I've tried to watch my diet closer and take it easy. I don't want to stress at all. That could be the thing that hurts us more. But easier said than done.
I really feel like I've been on a balance beam the past couple weeks and I'm going strong, but then all of a sudden a gust of wind is trying to throw me off. I don't know how to deal with it and keep going. Now I'm having doubts if we need to do IVF. I know so many people know about it and are praying for us, but I feel like if I have doubts that it will work, then why put ourselves through the emotions and pain of the process. I'm so confused. But regardless, we know we have to move forward. We made the decision and we spent a buttload on drugs, so no turning back.
Last week we ordered the drugs. I have talked with the online pharmacy several times and it was scheduled to arrive on Wednesday. I was so stressed that day to know that they would be getting to us safely and on time. Yes, it was a lot of money that couldn't be refunded, but I felt like my baby was the package that Fedex was delivering. And in a lot of ways, the hope of a baby was. I had a freak out moment when they were telling me that it may be stuck in limbo and I couldn't get it until the following morning. Some of the drugs had to be refrigerated and I was worried they'd be ruined. I'm so blessed to have a husband that came to the rescue! We were able to track the package down that night and we got it home safely.
After a long talk with the husband and encouragement from my amazing support group, I feel a little more back to normal and ready to move forward. I need to realize I have a lot of people supporting me...more than I have infertility against me.
We did our first injection last night. I think we were both nervous. It's been a few months since we've had to do shots and this was a big fancy one. Mike did struggle a bit and cut me a little and bent the needle back. The medicine went in, which is all I care about. We'll have to do it twice tonight, so hopefully his jitters are gone. If not, we need more band-aids!
I did wake up in the middle of the night a couple times feeling really weird, but I was able to go back to sleep. And I did feel like someone blasted the heat into my office at work, but it wasn't a full-blown hot flash, because 10 minutes later I started freezing. Hopefully the side effects starting out won't be too bad. Fingers crossed, but I'm prepared for the reality.
I not supposed to be working out once it's time for the surgery, retrival, and transfer and the nurse said I likely won't feel like doing anything leading up to it either, so it gives me a lot of down time to try to destress and spend time with God.
I came across this Psalm that I've read several times, but it has a whole new meaning to me right now.
They will have no fear of bad news;
their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Psalm 112:7
My prayer is that Mike and I can fully trust God and that our fear of what that dreaded pregnancy test may say will go away. We're just waiting to see the amazing plan God has in store for us and we will trust that it will come someday.
