The Specifics: Veronica

After detailing the issues with Mike, it’s my turn.

Age
Yes, we’ve discussed my age, which does factor into infertility. I have had a couple breakdowns when doing research a few months ago. It’s so depressing to hear how pregnancy after 35 is such a risk. Such things as endometriosis, increase in birth defects, fewer number of eggs, increase in stillbirth, and higher risk of miscarriages are all part of TTC after 35. The chart below shows how getting pregnant goes down with age.

What a drastic change from early 20s to mid-30s! I could get more into all of this, but I won’t. I’m taking my prenatal vitamins, eating foods high in folic acids, and trying to remain as healthy as possible. I can whine as much as I can about being 35, but it isn’t going to change anything.

PCOS

As mentioned previously, I found out that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. Women develop PCOS when they have too many male hormones and not enough female hormones, making ovulation rare or irregular. As far as we know, I am ovulating, which is a very good sign. The doctor suspected I had this after checking out my egg cells and a blood test confirmed it. The normal level of testosterone for a woman is 45 and I tested at 49. I like to joke that this explains why I enjoy sports so much and love hanging with the guys at a poker table!

My doctor prescribed the insulin-sensitizing drug Metformin, which helps many PCOS women ovulate on their own or respond to drug treatment. Roughly 70 to 90 percent of women with PCOS who take fertility drugs ovulate, and of those, half go on to conceive within six to nine months. Unfortunately, one in five of those pregnancies miscarries. I have been on Metformin since the beginning of April. My doctor said it can cause severe nausea and diarrhea and some women can’t handle it. So far it’s only been mild to moderate nausea, something I’m kind of getting use to. It’s recommended to take twice a day, but I had trouble with that, so we’re only going with once a day for now. I plan to suck it up as we get closer to insemination and go with twice daily.

PCOS left untreated can lead to diabetes and heart disease at a later age. Although it sucks to have, I am thankful that I found it. If we hadn’t been going through infertility, it may never have been caught. So this baby has already blessed me.

About half of women who have PCOS are obese and have excessive hair growth on their face, chest, and lower abdomen. Other symptoms are nonexistent periods, acne, depression, and difficulty conceiving. I didn’t have any of the physical symptoms, but I clearly was having problems conceiving. I assumed our problem was related to bad sperm, but now we had another issue.

To sum it all up: It just really stinks. We have two big strikes against us. Both of us have issues that cause infertility. It would be so much easier to deal with just one of us. However, we still have God on our side and every day I pray that He takes charge of this. Regardless of all the planning, pill-popping, doctor visiting, and blogging, we are helpless without Him.

This is what the Lord says: “Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord.” – Jeremiah 17:5

The One

Some of you may know that another adventure Veronica and I are currently on is we are trying to sell our condo. We don't want to live in a condo anymore, and we hope to need a larger home soon anyway due to having kids.

While the condo has only been on the market for a few months, what we figured to be the case from the start is starting to set in; this is going to be a long process. When discussing our attempt to sell with others, the quote I hear most often is "all you need is the one!" As in, there is one person out there who is supposed to buy the condo and we just need them to find us. My sarcastic side usually wants to slap these people and say something to the effect of "Really??? Didn't know that!" But I just nod my head in agreement.

There is truth to this sentiment, and I can relate in the same way to out fertility issues. We just need "the one". With "the boys", I still have some good ones so we just need "the one" to make it. Or when we go from doctor to doctor, we just need to find "the one" who can properly diagnose and treat us. These doctors are trying all kinds of different drugs on us and they just need to find "the one" that works.

This makes for a perfect segway into how we are leaning on "the one" (Jesus) for patience and comfort, but that just seems too easy. As we've said we are fully trusting God with this and waiting for him to reveal more of his plan to us, until then we keep praying for "the one".

Hopefully along with that he'll provide the one buyer we need, but I'm putting that one on the back burner until this issue is straightened out.

Ezra 8:23 "So we fasted and petitioned our God about this, and he answered our prayer."

Deserves to be a Dad

Just an update to let everyone know I did have a wonderful birthday…the husband made sure to that. He’s an amazing guy and I’m so glad to have him every day. Leading up to the big day was a bit crazy. I had to make an emergency visit to the infertility specialist (that I keep on speed dial now) because I got an infection from one of the meds I’m on…so what did she do? She gave me more meds. Ugh! Oh, well…and we also talked about next steps which would include another visit in a couple weeks where they would be giving my husband a shot he will have to give me at home. I couldn’t tell if he was excited or nervous about this. Probably both!

I have appreciated all the calls, messages, emails, etc I have received from people that are concerned for us and are praying. It really means a lot. I also want to stress that yes, I am the one not getting pregnant and I would be the one carrying the child (hopefully). But this has been just as hard on Mike as it has me. It may show more on me because I am a crier and I am more likely to talk about it and share my feelings to a random stranger about it. I think most people tend to sympathize more for the potential mom. Although Mike has been so strong and supportive to me, I also realize he is hurting too. He very much wants to be a dad. I know he has that longing. As we make plans next month to go to New York and visit Yankee Stadium, I know he will dream of when he can bring our kids there someday. Just as much as I want a baby and to be a mom, I want Mike to be a dad. I think about it so much. I have no doubt he will make a great one and I can’t wait to give him one. I’ll never forget the first time I saw him with his nephews. I pray that my husband soon becomes a father. I know any kid would be so lucky to have him for a dad.

Romans 15:4b “And the scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled.”

Celebrating My Wife's Birthday

I wanted to add to what Veronica posted earlier, she will be turning 35 in just under an hour. She is currently asleep next to me on the couch, I asked her what she wanted to do tonight and she wanted to go to my kickball game, have a quick dinner, then rest. Seems simple, but I think simple is good for her right now.

She is pretty worn out from all the processes, appointments, medications, etc. Some of the side effects of her medications are pretty rough, I don't think she's gone a day without a headache and nausea in a month. No doubt this has been a difficult process but I am thankful for the attitude we're maintaining throughout. Some of this has been very difficult, not just emotionally but physically. However, we are both ready to do whatever it takes until we are successful. We also continue to constantly pray and trust God. We believe His will is for us to have kids, but are also open to a new direction if He has one for us. Her strength throughout this process has really made me reflect over this past year, it has been a great year but definitely a roller coaster at times as well.

We have been married for almost year now, our 1 year anniversary is on Memorial Day, May 28th.  The first year of marriage has been incredible, we've done holidays with families, made new friends and taken trips to see old friends, and we have traveled to Hawaii, Paris, Rome, Chicago, St. Louis, and San Antonio.

Aside from the normal issues couples go through in their first year of marriage, we have begun to endure the struggle of infertility. On top of that Veronica has to devote a lot of time helping take care of her family. Her Dad is in the late stages of Alzheimer's and it is a struggle to watch someone so close go through that. Her Mom has had to quit her job because taking care of him is a full time job in itself, therefore they are on a very tight budget. Her Mom also needs breaks, and whenever she does Veronica is ready to make the 90 mile drive at a minute's notice to help. She is going out there next week while her Mom has some doctor appointments. Sometimes her Dad will become upset with her Mom and she is always right there on the phone to calm him down. I can't imagine having my Dad not even know who I am, and having to help with the simplest tasks. But she does it and is always looking to help more. It's a trait I admire in her, I know it's something she'll be rewarded in heaven for one day.

I know there is nothing she wants more than a baby, we both are very happy together and our relationship continues to get stronger, but I wish I could give her this one thing she wants so bad. I know I can only do so much, so I hope she at least likes the gift I did get her. I can't help but be proud of her, and I am every day. And I love her so much I am professing it to the entire internet.

Another Number

If anyone knows me, they know that I love birthdays. I love celebrating them and making someone feel important and loved on their special day. I do love birthdays…that is, except my own. I hate my birthday! It always nice to be recognized and getting to go out to a fabulous dinner, but that’s about it. To me, when I think of my birthday, it’s about turning yet another year older and not accomplishing everything I’ve wanted. I guess for probably the last 6-7 years it’s been a dreadful day. First it was leading up to the dreaded 30th birthday and then it was just adding another year. For this birthday I will be turning 35. Yes, that’s right: 35. (I can’t believe I was able to type it.)

When reading anything regarding TTC (trying to conceive), they always say that once you hit 35, then you are considered a high risk pregnancy. I have yet to ever be pregnant and I’m already considered high risk! On top of all of our issues, this just adds one more to the pot. What is it about that number?? Even if I had found Mr. Right, I never really wanted kids in my 20s. I wanted to experience a lot, travel, and move up in my career. However, after 35 apparently your body starts going downhill, even though you’re financially, emotionally, and mentally ready for a kid.

The good thing about turning 35, you don’t have to wait as long to get checked out for infertility. You can start testing after a year of unsuccessful attempts at any age, but after 35 you only have to wait 6 months. Since I was close to that mark and a bit pushy, they let us test early.

I definitely plan on having lots and lots of more birthdays. I try to stay as healthy as possible. I exercise 5-6 times a week, visit my doctors regularly, eat my fruits and veggies, and try to stay as organic as possible. I never leave the house without sunscreen on my face and if I’ll be in the sun for more than 10 minutes, I’ll be covered in SPF 40 or higher. I have now cut out caffeine completely…none since March 25. It hasn’t been too difficult since I only had a Starbuck treat or Diet Coke about once a week.  I don’t count the caffeine in chocolate that I still must consume once in a while. Trying to stay stress free is a bit harder, so I try to get in a yoga class a couple times a month.

This birthday will be frustrating, but I hope to have a good time with my husband. It seems we rarely have time to do fun stuff just the 2 of us. So that’s the best present I could  get. He’s taking me to my favorite restaurant in Louisville, Lilly’s. I’m definitely a Foodie and I so enjoy the eclectic dishes that are made there.

Now I’ll just add 35 to list of "bad numbers" that are in our charts with all the doctors around town...

Where We've Been, Where We Are, & Where We Are Going

One thing we want out of this blog is to keep everyone informed as to what is going on with this process. Partially because we know you want to be informed and partially so instead of giving the same news over and over again in person, we can just tell everyone that all of the details are on the blog.

That being said, while we have briefly covered a lot of this process, I want to write one post that would serve as a catch up for the entire ordeal.

In early December, Veronica went in for a pap smear that returned abnormal results. This was actually scary because a lot of times an abnormal pap smear can mean some serious health issues. Thankfully after a biopsy and a stressful Christmas waiting for the results, everything checked out normal. With all of these doctor visits she was able to go ahead and ask some questions about our unsuccessful attempts at getting pregnant. The doctors went ahead and told us to get some tests done.

We started with getting the boys tested, and I covered those results in a previous post. After the results for both of those tests came back we were sent to a urologist who I like to refer to as Captain Negativity. I could've handed that guy a million bucks and he would've complained about the taxes. He was checking for any health reason for the bad 'boys'...but everything seemed to be fine, which means not fixable. He gave us lots of bad news and prescribed Fertile One for me to start taking.

I had to do some blood tests, which we got a call the following week saying my testosterone was a bit low. This would mean I'd have to start taking another medicine for that...but they wanted to retest in the morning, where they can get a more accurate test. After many attempted pokes, they finally got more blood and the test came back fine! So glad to get positive results.

The good news was so far Veronica was checking out fine. Her OB/GYN did some blood work to test her thyroid and ovarian reserve, which both gave normal results.
Now the next step was to see a fertility specialist. After some recommendations from our doctors and doing some online research, we scheduled an appointment. She was a little more positive on my end and we both felt comfortable with her and her staff...plus she has worked with Veronica's cousin in Lexington.

After going through our entire medical history, family details, diet, activities, and sex lives for the hundredth time it felt like, she did an ultrasound on Veronica. She showed us and explained every detail of her female anatomy. She also pointed out that she had a lot of egg cells in her ovaries. At first, we were excited. The more there are, the better, right? Well, most women have 4-6, Veronica had more like 40! The doctor explained this could be due to PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), so she asked more questions and order some more blood work.

The following week we got the call that yes, she did have PCOS and she needed to begin taking Metformin immediately. This is a very strong drug and can cause severe nausea and diarrhea, but left untreated would cause infertility. There's so much to say about PCOS, so more on that in another blog.

The next appointment with the fertility specialist determined that Veronica need to start progesterone. Another med with lots of side effects. This medicine is not very fun to take, let's just say you don't take it by mouth and I'll leave it at that.


So now we take all of our drugs and hope for the best, we are hoping that at some point soon they will let us try IUI (artificial insemination). Doing it naturally just doesn't seem to be working for us, but we are continuously praying for God to keep revealing his plan for us. As He does, we are committed to remaining patient and trusting Him.


Proverbs 16:1 "We can make our own plans, but the LORD gives the right answer."

What It's All About

Time to talk about what this is all about…babies! I love babies and kids. I always have. I started babysitting in middle school and kept on through college. I loved being around kids.

I knew I wanted to be a mom and I’m pretty sure I will make a good one…especially since I was raised by the best there is. Even in my mid-twenties I would get a longing feeling when I’d see a Pampers commercial. I couldn’t wait to have an adorable baby like that. As I continued to get older and kept dating all the wrong guys, I was worried that my clock would keep ticking and I wouldn’t get the chance to get married and have babies. Now that I have met the man of my dreams and he has become my husband, the longing for a child is TONS stronger. I want he and I to share the role of parents and to extend the love we have for one another to a baby. I can see what a great father he would be when he interacts with his nephews and when he has to be the first one to grab our friends’ baby when he wakes up from a nap. I love seeing his baby pictures and I dream of having a Little Michael someday. He was so stinking adorable and I want to have a little one just like him…(except maybe have a smaller head).

God has definitely put the desire in our hearts for a baby and we will continue to pray that he will grant us that special gift. I definitely feel an emptiness for not being a mom and not knowing how great that gift will be. Month after month I would break down into sobs when I would get my period. It just hurts so badly to want something so badly and not have any control over it. I’m so blessed to have such a wonderful husband that is so supportive and holds me and lets me cry when I’m upset about this. I couldn’t be in this journey without him.

Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I want to wish all the moms out there a happy Mother’s Day. I hope you all realize what a special gift God has given you and to cherish your children every day and let them know how much you love them.

The Specifics: Mike

This is the one part of the blog I did not look forward to, so I figured I might as well get it out of the way early. Here are some details on what is causing the fertility issues within me.

The Facts: The first, most important, and largest factor to me is my weight. While plenty of men heavier than me have had no fertility issues, my weight along with other factors has affected mine. While every doctor I have seen has told me that weight loss alone will not fix anything, it would definitely help.

By going public, I hope this helps hold me accountable. At times this year I have topped out just shy of 240 lbs. A month ago I was at 235 and I started Weight Watchers. As of last Friday I was down to 223 lbs already, this was very encouraging to me. But it has been a bit of a struggle. At Christmas I promised Veronica I would be down to 200 lbs by next Christmas. I think despite my late start I am on a pretty good track to get there. My current goal is to be below 210 by June 22. That is the day we leave for vacation in New York City, and I fully plan on adding 5 lbs while I am there. That would leave me at 215 with just under 6 months to go.

Aside from the promise though, this has become very important to me over the last few months. It make me feel terrible when I see something my wife wants so badly, and there is currently nothing I can do to give it to her and I am actually part of the reason why she can't have it. I find myself very guilt-ridden at times. I think the word inadequate would apply as well. I know this is not the attitude I am supposed to have regarding this issue. I am working on being thankful for the fact that I do have control over a lot of this, and praying for continues effort on my end to try and fix whatever I can.

So there is the weight loss part, like I said though, that is only part of the problem. The "boys" (I just don't like typing the other word) are the other part of the equation. I had to go in have my boys tested twice, and both times the results were less than good. There are three factors to consider when checking male fertility: Quantity, Quality, and Motility (movement).

The quantity is the concentration of the boys. A normal person has around 30 million quality boys, but really 20 million would suffice. During my first analysis, I only had 9 million; the good news is that on the second I was up to 19 million. Chalk the first test up to a ridiculous amount of nervousness about taking this type of test for the first time in my life.

Quality is really the shape of the boys and whether or not they are....quality. Normally, you would want at least 20% of them to be shaped normally, but again 15% will suffice. The first time I tested at just 1%. The good news is I doubled that the next time. The bad news was it left me at just 2%.

Motility, this is the most important one as it analyzes the ability of the boys to "swim" to the spot they need to go. They base it on a score, you need to be at 150 or higher. The first test I fell short, I tested at 100. Unlike the other two factors, my second test did not show improvement. Rather I dropped to 84 on this test.

The Cause: No one knows. The weigh is likely a small factor, but as the urologist told me I could drop 30 pounds and it wouldn't be enough to offset my numbers. With fertility, all they can really tell you is some guys have it and others don't.  I have cut some other things out, things that I normally love, such as hot tubs, saunas, really hot showers, and sitting on the couch with my computer on my lap for hours upon hours. I actually don't love any of those things all that much so they have been pretty easy to cut out, especially considering what I am working towards. The doctor also told me to do whatever I can to keep my stress level down so I have to avoid watching Yankee games started by Phil Hughes and I generally avoid all communication with UK fans.

I was put on a drug called Fertile One and told to start exercising as activity can help improve quality and movement. Avoiding red meats, bad drinks, and eating a lot of high antioxidant fruits and vegetables can help as well. Also, taking a daily multivitamin can help but it cannot have soy in it. The problem is these things can only help the situation, none of these are guaranteed to fix it. I look at it as the more I do to help it, the better our chances are. I am also taking Zinc and CoQ10 in the mornings. I currently am popping 5 pills in the morning and 2 more at night.

When I get annoyed with little things like having to put a pillow between my lap and computer, taking a bunch of pills, taking a cool shower, and not eating bacon; I just think of how awesome it will be when our prayers are eventually answered and we have a baby. Until then I will keep praying and trusting God, but this is on me too. I need to be a man and do whatever it takes to get this done. I still struggle and would appreciate prayers for this aspect of our journey as well.

An Instrument

I just want to let everyone know, I was very hesitant about doing this blog. I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to expose our lives and share all my feelings. This has definitely been a journey already and I couldn’t decide if I wanted so many people to know what’s really going on. I am a talker I know and I love getting to know people and I even at times tend to over share. However, in the case of our infertility, I just feel like it’s a weakness and it does get me emotional to talk about. Just like my dad’s Alzheimer’s, we didn’t talk about it the first few years of his diagnosis. It’s almost like if you don’t talk about, it isn’t real. Well, his disease is real and you need support and prayer. So similarly, we need support and prayers for our infertility.

My husband is definitely stronger as a spiritual leader and he was all for a blog. I kept pushing back and I was stalling. I just wanted more time to know what to do and how to feel about a blog. It was on my mind often for several days and all I could do was pray about it. I was doing my quiet time from a project that our pastor gave us back in January 2011 (sorry I’m behind, Bob Cherry, but I will get it done) and the verse that stuck out to me was Romans 6:13.

Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of weakness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness.

I saw this verse as telling me, yes, I need to do the blog. I need to be an “instrument of righteousness” and share my struggle in the hopes that it might help others. I’ve read a couple blogs from fertility challenged people and checked out some Facebook pages, but none that gave me a lot of substance. So if I couldn’t find something to give me advice and hope, then what are other infertility couples doing? My husband and I are not experts on infertility (we’re still early in the process), and we don’t have ministry degrees, but we do have a strong faith that God will be there throughout our lives and he will get us through whatever happens. So if our blog helps just one couple, then we have been the instrument that God has called us to be.

P.S. Thanks for all the outpouring of love everyone gave after our first post. You have no idea how wonderful your words and kindness have been. We feel truly blessed to have wonderful family and friends that support us.

Why Blog?

When I was a kid, I always wanted to play sports when I grew up. After all, I thought, how hard can it be to play baseball for a living? That dream came to a screeching halt in 1999 when I spent my freshman year of high school baseball riding the bench. I may have had a hunch before then but that made it official. The summer after my freshman year I went to a Christ-In-Youth conference and decided to dedicate my life to full-time ministry. At the time I was extremely excited about this, yet again that dream faded. After high school I began to drift, I had spent so much time dreaming about an ideal future that I never took the time to get realistic about it. I was learning that not everything works out the way I want it to, that God certainly has a plan for all of us and it is much bigger than anything we can dream of on our own.

That brings me to today. After spending a few years of my life just drifting I am finally starting to achieve the things in life that are most important. I fell in love and got married; I found a good job; and I am finishing my degree. Yet God is still reminding my wife and I that he has a plan for us and we need to trust him.  

Proverbs 16:9 "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."

I can relate to the first part of this verse, as I said above; I've always had one plan or another in my heart about my life. And while some things have changed since I was little, the idea of having a family was always very important to me. That's why I am so ecstatic to be in such a wonderful marriage. It is something I have always looked forward to and couldn't have asked God for a better wife. God certainly directed my steps when it came to finding the woman I would spend the rest of my life with, it may not have happened exactly the way I planned, but I can see now by trusting God it has worked for the best.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."

This is where it gets difficult for me. It's easy to trust God when he takes you on the exact path you wanted to go down. Right now that is not the case. Allow me to explain...

My wife and I were married on May 28, 2011 (almost a year ago now, wow!). My wife being a little older than me, we both were on board with trying to have kids fairly early on in our marriage. We waited three short months and began trying to pregnant, here we are 9 months later and still no success. Due to some factors, we were allowed to begin undergoing testing after 6 months; we immediately started getting some not-good news.

First, the problem was on my end; unlike George Costanza my boys could not swim. After several not-so-fun appointments I was told to lose some weight and start some medication. I was actually fairly relieved by this while still feeling guilty. Veronica was so concerned that she would be the problem and everything was checking out fine for her. As long as I was the one with the infertility I knew I could do whatever I needed to fix it for her. After a few more appointments, more bad news came. Veronica has a condition called PCOS.  More on that in future posts.  Basically, we both have some bodily issues that are creating fertility roadblocks for us.

At first our reaction was sadness, bitterness, and embarrassment. We didn't want to talk about it, I was embarrassed and felt guilty. It was easy to question God, why wasn't he taking us down the exact path we wanted to go down???? (Doesn't he always do that?)

I think it is normal to go through those emotions, we have worked through them and I have already seen our faith strengthened through this. We are very blessed with a super support system made up of family and friends. 

We have been trying to find God's purpose in all of this, both of us firmly believe that God has a plan for everything he does and something good will come from this.

Recently, Veronica's friend Michelle Merimee lost her 34 year old husband Craig to pancreatic cancer. It was such a sad story made even sadder by the fact that he had three daughters all under the age of 6. I didn't know this couple myself, but their faith blew me out of the water. They spent 18 months from his diagnosis to his death openly and honestly blogging about their entire journey. Through it they asked questions but remained faithful throughout. Here is a part of the last post Craig ever wrote before dying:

"Each night I go bed, I come to the reality that today was not better than yesterday.  My energy level is becoming more and more decreased.  I got my daily shower today at about 5 this evening.  It's good that I got a shower but I really struggled with getting motivated to do that.  I'm often catching myself each day watching how I walk.  My legs are giving me a fight sometimes now where they don't have the strength to carry me through the house.  I'll have to stop and grab a stool to sit on for a second or I'll find a ledge to hang myself on temporarily while I plan my next course of step.  I don't always feel like this but it's happening a few times each day.  It's become depressing to watch myself and I know it's becoming depressing for Michelle to watch.  She's noticed and we talk it about it.   I don't try and do too much around the girls just so I'm not put in a bad situation that will make me look bad.  They are now fully accustomed to having me rest in my room in the back of the house with the door closed.  They don't see me too often.  Just looking at myself in the mirror, I can tell my downward spiral has begun.  I'm at my all time low of about 118 pounds.  I have an awkward time shaving my face because it is pure bone and I feel like I'm having to shave to every bony conture my face has.  My yellow eyes constantly remind my jaundice is settling back in.  This pretty much means things are going to eventually start shutting down.


The truth is my desired outcome from this situation is so very awesome.  The encouragement I have that my eternal life will be in Heaven and that I will be cancer free soon puts a smile on my face.  This has always been there, I've just fought the perceived need that I need to see my family as much as possible and do as much as I can for them.  My family does not need to see me anymore in the shape I'm in.  They need to see me at peace.  I have a million things to say here now but am overwhelmed with what I want to say so I think I'm going to have to come back with you in bits maybe from here.  I am very motivated about that the future has to offer me that there is a lot of reason to be excited.


Thanks for all your support and I very much hope to share my thoughts going forward.  God is good!!!!!"


That's a level of faith I dream of having. I cannot imagine being on the cusp of losing my wife of 8 years and my three daughters yet still gushing about how great God is. At the funeral Michelle discussed the blog, about the stories they've heard of people who have come back to Jesus or come to him for the first time; people who have grown closer to their spouse; improved their prayer life; or given up on bad habits because they were inspired by the blog. Michelle went on to say that if Craig's illness is what God needed to change those lives for the better, than she is OK with that. It was all a part of God's plan. I want us to handle this MUCH easier situation with the same attitude.


With that in mind, Veronica and I decided this blog would be a good idea. It would be therapeutic for us to write out our thoughts and walk through this journey with other people. Our hope is also that it will encourage others who are or have gone through this. We hope others will read it and simply pray for us. We don't know how this journey will go, we could be pregnant next month or we could be in the same place 2 years from now. We just need to trust that God has a better plan than we do.


Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."