Well, Christmas is almost here. Our shopping has been done for some time. Our cards sent out. And we've had a few parties and ready for some time off work.
I think back to last year and how we were timing ovulation and we're just waiting to get a positive pregnancy test. We thought it could come so quickly. It's now a year later and our optimism is diminishing. I thought we would have a baby by now, so I just hope and pray that we'll have one next year. It's easy for me to get sad about it. I love being married and I truly think God couldn't have found a more perfect husband for me. I know we'll have our ups and downs, but overall I know we will be happily married forever. However, I just don't want it to be the two of us. In 40 years, who will we spend our Christmases with? Our parents will no longer be around and our other family will have their families to be with. Will it just be the two of us? That thought sounds depressing to me.
One of my favorite Christmas commercials is from Folgers. Mike makes fun of me about it, because it always seems to make me tear up. It's where the older couple wake up to coffee brewing and they go downstairs to see their son Jimmy home for the holidays. The actors are so great in it and you want to think that happens so much in homes at Christmas. I want to experience our kids traveling home from their fabulous lives to see us.
I've been doing a women's bible study on Wednesday nights and this week our chapter was about Hannah and her desire for a child. She has been my Biblical heroine for awhile now. She also couldn't get pregnant and it was something she really struggled with. However, she kept her faith and God blessed her with Samuel and then 5 more children. I know I need to model my prayer life after Hannah.
For Hannah's story: 1 Samuel 1-2.
We hope all our blog followers have a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Here's our Christmas card. Because of the crazy costs of printing and postage, we weren't able to send them to all our loved ones.
There are endless stories out there about the tragedy that took place in Connecticut last Friday. It has been on my mind a lot since I first heard about it. I'm not going to write about what I think caused this, gun control, or what can be done to fix it. That has been covered over and over again by just about everyone else.
As a Christian, I feel compelled to do one thing, pray for them. That's really all I can do because I can't imagine there are any words that make those parents feel better. There is nothing to ease their pain or bring their child back. I know that the only person that can give these families any sort of hope is Jesus, and I pray that they all know him or will get to know him through this tragedy. It is easy to only think about the kids, but adult lives were lost as well. We seem to accept adult death easier than we do the death of a child, and to a certain degree I understand that. Most adults still got to experience a lot, they were given the chance to reach their potential, and even though their life was cut short, they still lived a lot. When a 6 year old child is taken it feels like they were cheated, and they were. The families of the teachers, counselors, and principal are hurting just as badly. They can take pride that they died most likely saving the lives of dozens of other children, but that doesn't do enough to take away the pain. Just like everyone else, Veronica and I are in prayer for the victims and their families.
This does tie into the blog, and that goes back to the pain and suffering. It has been a tough year for us in some respects. 2012 is a year we'll look back on with a lot of great memories but also some heartache throughout the year as well. I first went in to get tested the second week of January this year, so we are almost a full year into this process now and that doesn't include the several months we tried before getting tested. It doesn't feel like things are much better than they were last January. We have made some progress but we took some hits along the way as well. It's easy to look at the future with fear and worry. Will 2013 be any better? We choose to believe it will because we have the hope of Jesus, there is still the hope of a child. A week from today we will celebrate the miraculous birth of the most important person to ever walk the Earth, our Savior. If we ever are reminded of the hope we have in Jesus, what God is capable of doing for us, and how much he loves us; this time of year serves as a reminder.
Our pain is nothing compared to what those families in Connecticut must be feeling right now. Next week all around the country entire families will gather together while those families will have a noticeable empty spot at the table or around the tree. I hope they are reminded of the hope they have in Jesus, I know for us we are reminded even more of how much pain there is in this world and how thankful we are to have hope.
Psalm 39:7: "And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you."
Sometimes it's hard to think of things to write about on here, especially when were in the holding period we are in right now. Our last doctor appointment was on Halloween, so about 6 weeks ago. That part has been nice, no waiting rooms and co-pays is definitely something I can deal with. We've been taking our pills, trying to exercise and eat better, and most importantly doing a lot of praying. Sometimes this blog serves as therapy for us, sometimes it serves as information for the readers, and lately I have found it as almost a form of my own devotional time. Some of my best conversations with God come from talking to him about our infertility. There is a real issue in our lives that we have absolutely no control over and that is a first; the only person we can rely on is God. While I wish there was another way he could grab our attention, I have no doubt he is using this experience to teach us. This weekend we finally put our Christmas tree up in the front living room of our house. It is a smaller room and we don't use it very often. Normally it's where she goes to watch her reality shows while I am watching the Yankees or the Hoosiers. The other night we just sat in that room for a while and talked about a lot of different things. As we usually do, we got on the subject of infertility and something came to my head that I told her. I told her that sometimes I think about the day we actually do have a baby, how amazing that day will be. The amount of happiness and relief will be indescribable. We have never wanted or worked for something so badly in our lives. My point was our kid is going to be spoiled rotten. This journey is going to make being a parent so special, and maybe that is part of God's plan. I'm certainly not saying that any parents that don't go through infertility will not appreciate their kids as much, or that we wouldn't have had we not gone through this. I just know that we will feel so much more blessed when it happens because of all the work and prayer that went into it. I can't wait, I honestly cannot put into words how badly I want a baby for us. This desire is concrete in our hearts and has not wavered at all since the first day we started trying. We are fully confident that God would not put this desire in our hearts if he did not want us to be parents. We are not doing Christmas gifts this year, the house was our gift to each other. But really, I don't really have a lot of wants anymore. Maybe that is because there is just one thing that I want so badly, nothing else will bring as much joy. We are waiting patiently for this to happen, and as I have said many times, it is hard sometimes and we have gotten upset and frustrated. But Veronica found a verse that may best sum up what I have tried to say through my rambling on here and what led to a great converstation with God. James 1:12 "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love me." It brings me great joy to know that this experience will not only make being a parent so special, but we are also building our reward in Heaven. I really hope we have a baby this year coming up, if so, 2013 will be the best year ever and nothing will be able to top it.
