This weekend had some ups and downs. One of my co-workers passed away from cancer on Friday night. I didn't know her well at all, but I have been praying so much for her. She will be leaving two young children behind. This will be the third funeral I have attended in the past 8 months that I will have to see young children lose a parent. There are no words for how much this breaks my heart. I want a baby so badly, and I pray so much for that. But I also need to pray that Mike and I will be around to raise that child.
Saturday was nice. I volunteered at an Alzheimer's event all afternoon and then went to a party with old Finelight friends. (Finelight was the agency I worked at prior to Power Creative). It was so great to see everyone. I probably stayed out too late, but it was worth it to hang out and laugh with everyone.
We had to get up Sunday morning at 6:30 for a doctor's appointment before church. Per usual, we got bad news and our doctor saying she was so sorry. The drugs we tried last week didn't work at all in getting me to ovulate. So we're going back to Clomid with another drug. The issue with Clomid before was that it took a while for me to ovulate and it can cause thinning of the lining in the uterus. This is probably more detailed than most want to hear, but basically we need 2 things to happen. 1) for me to ovulate...without that there will be no egg. And 2) we need a nice thick lining of the uterus for implementation. (When the sperm fertilizes the egg, then need a place to stick). After I take a weekly dose of fertility drugs, I go on a patch that is supposed to help that. Once we can figure out the right formula to get these to work, then maybe we can do IUI. That has been our plan since April when we first starting going to the fertility specialist. It has been a roller coaster of getting my body all figured out. But I really appreciate our doctor. She calls me and is available any time. I really feel like she and her staff are really giving us a lot of attention. I just hope we can get something figured out soon. This is not getting easier.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
From When to If
Sorry it's been a while since I have posted on here. Buying a house is a lot more stressful than I ever imagined. We are both so excited though that it is totally worth it. There has been a lot of uncertainty to go along with this stress though. We have had our condo on the market since January and anyone that has ever sold a home knows the uncertainty that comes with that. Once we decided to just rent the condo there is the uncertainty of finding the right renter. We are fortunate that we have had plenty of people apply and will have no problem finding a renter, but it is stressful trying to find the right one. Exchanging offers brought uncertainty, the inspection, applying for the loan, refinancing our condo. It's a lot of waiting, wondering, and hoping. Which sounds really familiar to something else going on with our lives right now.
I've talked before about the waiting game we are in, it's all we can do anymore. We've become almost numb to all of the appointments. We haven't lost hope in all of this but I think that hope we get with each doctor visit is gone. We are now officially in full-blown "wait it out" mode. Every week one of us has our body do something really weird as a result of our medication, usually it's Veronica, it's never fun but we're just used to it. Our lives have started to revolve around this process. Before making plans anymore we have to make sure we don't have a doctor appointment. In a sense, we had entered into this monotony of life, probably something everyone with infertility goes through. As awkward as it is for me to say this, even our sex life now has to revolve around fertility. Everything goes according to the calendar. There is no room for "the element of surprise" (I want to apologize to all of my friends and family that didn't really want to read that). We do our best to avoid getting into this rut, but it is almost necessary.
Having said everything I said up there, I have to say this house is good for us. It gives us a distraction for a while. New York was a distraction but as soon as we got back we are told that Veronica has cysts and it is going to set us back. That was a slap in the face that got us right back into the reality of infertility, vacation was over. Buying a house is something that can occupy both of our minds. Every day Veronica can think about paint colors, packing, and new funiture. Every day I can yell at my mortgage broker to get my paperwork finalized so I can have peace of mind. I spend every day vetting all the rental applications I receive trying to make sure I pick the perfect tenant so our condo becomes an investment not a money pit. Moving will definitely occupy our minds, after that we'll be fixing the house up to our exact specifications.
The distraction is nice, but in a few months we'll be all moved in and loving our new house. However, there will now be three empty bedrooms instead of one. There will be tons more space to fill yet still just the two of us to fill it. There will be a huge backyard with no need for a swing set. There will be a space reserved in the front room for toys with no toys to put there. Sorry to be a downer but that is the reality we know we are still facing, and it is not ideal.
I'll remember Wednesday, July 11 for a long time. The previous weekend we went to look at houses on Saturday and made an offer on a house Sunday. The next three days were stressful and long, with us exchanging offers 3 separate times. The sellers reached a point where they would not longer budge and we had a decision to make. Upon making our first offer we had a ceiling in mind of what we though the house was worth, they were stopping just above that ceiling. While that was the ceiling for this house the amount was still well within what we could afford so we had a decision to make. Was such a small amount of money worth walking away from the house? I went into Veronica's office once I received their final offer and we spend 3 hours in there discussing it. It was long, but we had a good conversation. A major factor in all of this was fertility. We needed to make sure we were still financially flexible should we need to do IVF or adopt down the road. There were some moments of frustrations, and more often moments of tears as an issue we never thought would affect our lives so much was very possibly about to keep us from buying a home we loved very much. Then I said, not intentionally at all, it just came out; during the talks I said "if we have kids". Oops. That one stung, but I wasn't wrong. Something we were both so sure of our entire life is no longer a certainty. It was time to accept the fact that while we are still very hopeful and confident in what will come of this struggle, we need to start accepting the fact that it may not happen, and if it does it might take a really long time. With that coming out of the conversation, we felt that we should do something we do have control over instead of worry about something we don't have control over. We accepted the offer and we close on August 17.
We hope that down the road all 4 bedrooms will be filled with members of our family, but honestly we would just take one. We do know this is what God wanted us to do. The house didn't fit into our exact specifications but we both loved it the minute we saw it. The house isn't too big for just the two of us or too small for a family of four. We love it, but in a time of uncertainty for us, we are learning that all we can do is lean on God every day. Honestly, I covet as many prayers as I can get. There are days when this hurts, the thing that hurts me the most is seeing how sad this makes Veronica. I have to fight myself to maintain hope while also fighting back feelings of anger. Some days I fail and I get so mad at myself. Other days I just try to avoid it all together and that isn't right either. There is a giant uncertainty staring us in the face, bigger than buying a house or a car, or starting a new job. An uncertainty that was such a sure thing to us for so much of our life. How many times when we were dating and first married did we use the phrase "when we have kids", that's not easy to say anymore. I would do anything to make having a baby possible for us, but as a Christian I know all I need to do is trust God and pray to him daily, and ask everyone else to pray too. I look forward to the day God answers this prayer, because I know he will provide us with the best answer for; not just with the answer we want.
Psalm 94:19: "When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."
I've talked before about the waiting game we are in, it's all we can do anymore. We've become almost numb to all of the appointments. We haven't lost hope in all of this but I think that hope we get with each doctor visit is gone. We are now officially in full-blown "wait it out" mode. Every week one of us has our body do something really weird as a result of our medication, usually it's Veronica, it's never fun but we're just used to it. Our lives have started to revolve around this process. Before making plans anymore we have to make sure we don't have a doctor appointment. In a sense, we had entered into this monotony of life, probably something everyone with infertility goes through. As awkward as it is for me to say this, even our sex life now has to revolve around fertility. Everything goes according to the calendar. There is no room for "the element of surprise" (I want to apologize to all of my friends and family that didn't really want to read that). We do our best to avoid getting into this rut, but it is almost necessary.
Having said everything I said up there, I have to say this house is good for us. It gives us a distraction for a while. New York was a distraction but as soon as we got back we are told that Veronica has cysts and it is going to set us back. That was a slap in the face that got us right back into the reality of infertility, vacation was over. Buying a house is something that can occupy both of our minds. Every day Veronica can think about paint colors, packing, and new funiture. Every day I can yell at my mortgage broker to get my paperwork finalized so I can have peace of mind. I spend every day vetting all the rental applications I receive trying to make sure I pick the perfect tenant so our condo becomes an investment not a money pit. Moving will definitely occupy our minds, after that we'll be fixing the house up to our exact specifications.
The distraction is nice, but in a few months we'll be all moved in and loving our new house. However, there will now be three empty bedrooms instead of one. There will be tons more space to fill yet still just the two of us to fill it. There will be a huge backyard with no need for a swing set. There will be a space reserved in the front room for toys with no toys to put there. Sorry to be a downer but that is the reality we know we are still facing, and it is not ideal.
I'll remember Wednesday, July 11 for a long time. The previous weekend we went to look at houses on Saturday and made an offer on a house Sunday. The next three days were stressful and long, with us exchanging offers 3 separate times. The sellers reached a point where they would not longer budge and we had a decision to make. Upon making our first offer we had a ceiling in mind of what we though the house was worth, they were stopping just above that ceiling. While that was the ceiling for this house the amount was still well within what we could afford so we had a decision to make. Was such a small amount of money worth walking away from the house? I went into Veronica's office once I received their final offer and we spend 3 hours in there discussing it. It was long, but we had a good conversation. A major factor in all of this was fertility. We needed to make sure we were still financially flexible should we need to do IVF or adopt down the road. There were some moments of frustrations, and more often moments of tears as an issue we never thought would affect our lives so much was very possibly about to keep us from buying a home we loved very much. Then I said, not intentionally at all, it just came out; during the talks I said "if we have kids". Oops. That one stung, but I wasn't wrong. Something we were both so sure of our entire life is no longer a certainty. It was time to accept the fact that while we are still very hopeful and confident in what will come of this struggle, we need to start accepting the fact that it may not happen, and if it does it might take a really long time. With that coming out of the conversation, we felt that we should do something we do have control over instead of worry about something we don't have control over. We accepted the offer and we close on August 17.
We hope that down the road all 4 bedrooms will be filled with members of our family, but honestly we would just take one. We do know this is what God wanted us to do. The house didn't fit into our exact specifications but we both loved it the minute we saw it. The house isn't too big for just the two of us or too small for a family of four. We love it, but in a time of uncertainty for us, we are learning that all we can do is lean on God every day. Honestly, I covet as many prayers as I can get. There are days when this hurts, the thing that hurts me the most is seeing how sad this makes Veronica. I have to fight myself to maintain hope while also fighting back feelings of anger. Some days I fail and I get so mad at myself. Other days I just try to avoid it all together and that isn't right either. There is a giant uncertainty staring us in the face, bigger than buying a house or a car, or starting a new job. An uncertainty that was such a sure thing to us for so much of our life. How many times when we were dating and first married did we use the phrase "when we have kids", that's not easy to say anymore. I would do anything to make having a baby possible for us, but as a Christian I know all I need to do is trust God and pray to him daily, and ask everyone else to pray too. I look forward to the day God answers this prayer, because I know he will provide us with the best answer for; not just with the answer we want.
Psalm 94:19: "When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."
Saturday, July 21, 2012
That Emptiness
I just finished reading an amazing book The Kite Runner. It was sooo good, I could barely put it down. I had seen the movie years ago and never got the book until recently. Such an amazing story and great characters. It was so well written and mid way through the book I find that the main character and his new wife can't get pregnant and with testing and treatment are diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It makes me sad for our current infertility and every couple struggling with this. The author Khaled Hosseini writes an ending to Chapter 13 that is so powerful I wanted to share on the blog...
Sometimes, Soraya sleeping next to me, I lay in bed and listened to the screen door swinging open an shut with the breeze, to the crickets chirping in the yard. And I could almost feel the emptiness in Soraya's womb, like it was a living, breathing thing. It had seeped into our marriage, that emptiness, into our laughs, and our lovemaking. And late at night, in the darkness of our room, I'd feel it rising from Soraya and settling between us. Sleeping between us. Like a newborn child.
I sense that the author knows what infertility feels like to write this. There is much, much more to the book, but those words really stood out to me. I know there is hope for us and I pray that our infertility is something we can look back on some day as a distant struggle and know that it made us stronger people and more faithful Christians.
Sometimes, Soraya sleeping next to me, I lay in bed and listened to the screen door swinging open an shut with the breeze, to the crickets chirping in the yard. And I could almost feel the emptiness in Soraya's womb, like it was a living, breathing thing. It had seeped into our marriage, that emptiness, into our laughs, and our lovemaking. And late at night, in the darkness of our room, I'd feel it rising from Soraya and settling between us. Sleeping between us. Like a newborn child.
I sense that the author knows what infertility feels like to write this. There is much, much more to the book, but those words really stood out to me. I know there is hope for us and I pray that our infertility is something we can look back on some day as a distant struggle and know that it made us stronger people and more faithful Christians.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
We Bought a House!
Sorry we haven't written on here in awhile. Life has been extremely crazy. We bought a house!! We've been constantly on the prowl for a house and we fell in love with one on Saturday and put a bid on it Sunday after seeing it again. After many counter offers, stress, little sleep, constant number crunching, praying, and feeling like vomiting a dozen times, we reached a decision. We really feel like this is the house for us. We got it at a good price that won't stretch our budget too much. The only thing that caused hesitation for us was wondering what role infertility will continue to play in our lives. What if we have to keep spending our money on this and what if we have to do IVF or adoption?? I'm always telling my mom to stop the 'what ifs' with my dad's disease, so she told me to stop saying 'what if' on this. We can control the house we get and how we save our money, only God can control when we get pregnant.
We had a visit today and I totally suspected I had a cyst, which the doctor confirmed I had two. They have been causing some discomfort. Because fertility drugs produce so many eggs, cysts are likely to form. They usually go away on their own, but we need action. So I'm going on birth control pills for a week to get rid of them and then we start fertility drugs again. We decided after leaving the doctor's office that we weren't going to be upset about this. Yes, it's another stumbling block, but the doctor didn't seem concerned. We'll just take care of it. Besides we have moving stress to keep our minds busy.
I'm very excited about getting a house. I just hope the room we have planned as a nursery doesn't stay empty too long.
Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.
Ephesians 3:17
We had a visit today and I totally suspected I had a cyst, which the doctor confirmed I had two. They have been causing some discomfort. Because fertility drugs produce so many eggs, cysts are likely to form. They usually go away on their own, but we need action. So I'm going on birth control pills for a week to get rid of them and then we start fertility drugs again. We decided after leaving the doctor's office that we weren't going to be upset about this. Yes, it's another stumbling block, but the doctor didn't seem concerned. We'll just take care of it. Besides we have moving stress to keep our minds busy.
I'm very excited about getting a house. I just hope the room we have planned as a nursery doesn't stay empty too long.
Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.
Ephesians 3:17
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Good News
We
finally got some good news. My mom will be receiving money for being a
caregiver! And it’s way more than we expected. She was in shock with happiness
as was I. Since my dad’s disease was diagnosed, things have changed and
finances have become tight. My mom was told she could get money as a caregiver,
but wouldn’t until she didn’t have an income. She quit her day care last
September and it took 10 months to get any financial help! She was denied twice
before yesterday’s good news. She has been extremely diligent on working on it
and it seems like God has really answered a major prayer. My dad was getting a
small retirement, but without penny pinching, selling a lot of her stuff, and
help from her church friends, she couldn’t have survived. I know the stress of
finances has kept her up at night. We have let her borrow money…she refuses to
let us give her anything. Sometimes Mike and I would sneak money to my dad. She
has such a generous heart and still wants to buy us dinner when we go out and
buy us gifts. She was able to sell my dad’s corvette and she sent us a big check
from it. She wanted to help with our infertility expenses. I am in such awe at
her love for her family. It makes me pray harder that she can become a
grandmother very soon.
This
call really relieved some major stress for me. I am very protective of our
savings account. I know we’re in the house hunting stages, but I just get so
hesitant and I feel so far from pulling the trigger. I do want a house and I
know we need one, but I just worry that we need to keep the money. What if my
parents need it? What if I lose my job? What if we have to do IVF and adoption?
All of this is so expensive, and we’ll be taking that savings for a down
payment and improvements for a new house. I know I stress my husband out with
all my hesitations and I know it’s hard to know how to deal with the ‘what
ifs’, but they’re always in the back of my head.
Regardless,
I’m very happy as a write this post. Getting good news isn’t something I
receive often. Since my dad’s diagnosis, there hasn’t been any good news there.
It’s never going to get better and so far, nothing positive on the infertility.
But the best news of my life is that I have a loving Savior that is listening
to my prayers.
Sing
to the Lord; praise his name. Each day proclaim the good news that he saves.
Psalm 96:2
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