Sorry it's been a while since I have posted on here. Buying a house is a lot more stressful than I ever imagined. We are both so excited though that it is totally worth it. There has been a lot of uncertainty to go along with this stress though. We have had our condo on the market since January and anyone that has ever sold a home knows the uncertainty that comes with that. Once we decided to just rent the condo there is the uncertainty of finding the right renter. We are fortunate that we have had plenty of people apply and will have no problem finding a renter, but it is stressful trying to find the right one. Exchanging offers brought uncertainty, the inspection, applying for the loan, refinancing our condo. It's a lot of waiting, wondering, and hoping. Which sounds really familiar to something else going on with our lives right now.
I've talked before about the waiting game we are in, it's all we can do anymore. We've become almost numb to all of the appointments. We haven't lost hope in all of this but I think that hope we get with each doctor visit is gone. We are now officially in full-blown "wait it out" mode. Every week one of us has our body do something really weird as a result of our medication, usually it's Veronica, it's never fun but we're just used to it. Our lives have started to revolve around this process. Before making plans anymore we have to make sure we don't have a doctor appointment. In a sense, we had entered into this monotony of life, probably something everyone with infertility goes through. As awkward as it is for me to say this, even our sex life now has to revolve around fertility. Everything goes according to the calendar. There is no room for "the element of surprise" (I want to apologize to all of my friends and family that didn't really want to read that). We do our best to avoid getting into this rut, but it is almost necessary.
Having said everything I said up there, I have to say this house is good for us. It gives us a distraction for a while. New York was a distraction but as soon as we got back we are told that Veronica has cysts and it is going to set us back. That was a slap in the face that got us right back into the reality of infertility, vacation was over. Buying a house is something that can occupy both of our minds. Every day Veronica can think about paint colors, packing, and new funiture. Every day I can yell at my mortgage broker to get my paperwork finalized so I can have peace of mind. I spend every day vetting all the rental applications I receive trying to make sure I pick the perfect tenant so our condo becomes an investment not a money pit. Moving will definitely occupy our minds, after that we'll be fixing the house up to our exact specifications.
The distraction is nice, but in a few months we'll be all moved in and loving our new house. However, there will now be three empty bedrooms instead of one. There will be tons more space to fill yet still just the two of us to fill it. There will be a huge backyard with no need for a swing set. There will be a space reserved in the front room for toys with no toys to put there. Sorry to be a downer but that is the reality we know we are still facing, and it is not ideal.
I'll remember Wednesday, July 11 for a long time. The previous weekend we went to look at houses on Saturday and made an offer on a house Sunday. The next three days were stressful and long, with us exchanging offers 3 separate times. The sellers reached a point where they would not longer budge and we had a decision to make. Upon making our first offer we had a ceiling in mind of what we though the house was worth, they were stopping just above that ceiling. While that was the ceiling for this house the amount was still well within what we could afford so we had a decision to make. Was such a small amount of money worth walking away from the house? I went into Veronica's office once I received their final offer and we spend 3 hours in there discussing it. It was long, but we had a good conversation. A major factor in all of this was fertility. We needed to make sure we were still financially flexible should we need to do IVF or adopt down the road. There were some moments of frustrations, and more often moments of tears as an issue we never thought would affect our lives so much was very possibly about to keep us from buying a home we loved very much. Then I said, not intentionally at all, it just came out; during the talks I said "if we have kids". Oops. That one stung, but I wasn't wrong. Something we were both so sure of our entire life is no longer a certainty. It was time to accept the fact that while we are still very hopeful and confident in what will come of this struggle, we need to start accepting the fact that it may not happen, and if it does it might take a really long time. With that coming out of the conversation, we felt that we should do something we do have control over instead of worry about something we don't have control over. We accepted the offer and we close on August 17.
We hope that down the road all 4 bedrooms will be filled with members of our family, but honestly we would just take one. We do know this is what God wanted us to do. The house didn't fit into our exact specifications but we both loved it the minute we saw it. The house isn't too big for just the two of us or too small for a family of four. We love it, but in a time of uncertainty for us, we are learning that all we can do is lean on God every day. Honestly, I covet as many prayers as I can get. There are days when this hurts, the thing that hurts me the most is seeing how sad this makes Veronica. I have to fight myself to maintain hope while also fighting back feelings of anger. Some days I fail and I get so mad at myself. Other days I just try to avoid it all together and that isn't right either. There is a giant uncertainty staring us in the face, bigger than buying a house or a car, or starting a new job. An uncertainty that was such a sure thing to us for so much of our life. How many times when we were dating and first married did we use the phrase "when we have kids", that's not easy to say anymore. I would do anything to make having a baby possible for us, but as a Christian I know all I need to do is trust God and pray to him daily, and ask everyone else to pray too. I look forward to the day God answers this prayer, because I know he will provide us with the best answer for; not just with the answer we want.
Psalm 94:19: "When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."
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