I know it's only Tuesday, but it's been a rough week. I have felt miserable and I wonder if I'll always experience pains from PCOS or bad periods. I'm just feeling a lot of discouragement. Hopefully I'll bounce out it, but I feel like I stay busy and that keeps my mind off of the pain of my body and my heart. I'm also a bit nervous about a doctor's appointment in the morning. We go back to the urologist. I think the reason I'm nervous is because I just don't feel too positive about it and I expect to hear the worst.
We also heard from another infertile friend and she finally got a positive pregnancy test...however, ended up having a miscarriage. My heart goes out to her and I was able to give her encouraging words. I just have a hard time encouraging myself. I don't even know this woman very well, but we have bonded because we are going through the same things. She hasn't been able to talk to a lot of people about her situation and I'm very thankful that she trusts us and can share, so we can pray for her and her husband. It's also nice to have her prayers and to do all we can to encourage each other.
I made several friends on the jury a couple weeks ago and in chatting with one lady, she somehow told me that she was trying to get pregnant without success. So I started to share my story too. It got to a point in our conversation where she said, "Well, I know all about your ovulation, but I don't even know your name!" This cracked me up. I do tend to share too much, as this blog can witness. But I know how much it helps to talk about it with someone that understands. I wanted to share with her my pain and I wanted to help her too.
I really hate to hear when there are other people facing this struggle, but it gives me a little strength to know that God hasn't singled me out with this. I just need to slow down and spend some time with Him and pray that I can get some understanding out of this.
Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.
1 Peter 5:9
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Deliberations
It's been a crazy couple weeks. I'm glad the stress of jury duty is over, but I wasn't happy with the outcome. I was on a trial for 9 days and since I was in my brother-in-law's wedding on Friday, the judge made me the alternate so I could be a part of the day's festivities. It basically felt like reading a really amazing book and then it's taken away from you when you're on the last chapter. I made friends with the other jurors and one emailed me the verdict. I read it after the wedding and I just wanted to cry. It wasn't at all what I wanted. And now that I'm able to google more details, I still think I would not have mixed well with the other jurors' decision. It's been a few days and I still can't stop thinking about it.
The past few days have also taught me that I need to be more strict with my diet. As mentioned in a prior post, I'm trying to limit my 'white food'. Basically complex carbs like potatoes, white pasta, and white bread are very bad for me. I might let one per day slide and it doesn't really bother me, but the past several days, I haven't been able to avoid the white food so much and I've had a constant tummy ache practically. I'm glad I know it's because of my diagnosis of PCOS; however, it doesn't make the pains go away.
It just makes me wonder if my body can get completely right to carry a baby. We've learned that we can get my body to ovulate, but can we get an embryo to stick and can I carry a baby full term? We still have so many uncertainties.
On Saturday we attended an adoption workshop at our church. Besides talking to friends and doing a limited amount of online research, adoption hasn't been an option we've talked about much. I was worried about it causing me to get emotional and I felt awkward as we walked in. I wondered if everyone could see the look of infertility on our faces and I wondered if there were other people around like us. There were speakers and then a workshop afterwards. It was mainly about foster kids and adopting older kids. That's really not what we're thinking right now. Our hearts are still set on a baby. We left with more confusion than what we walked in with.
I'm definitely not opposed to having an adopted child. I would love to have one, but the whole adoption process still really scares me. Infertility has been heart wrenching enough that the waiting and possibility of minds being changed at the last hour worries me tremendously.
It's just so much to keep on our minds. I may not have gotten to deliberate in jury duty, but I feel like my life is a deliberation right now. Even talks of donor sperm have come up and that also scares me. Right now that is the cheapest option, but my least favorite. I can already foresee the arguments. I'll want a donor that's just like Mike and he'll want one that's just like Derek Jeter.
We're still going with the plan and we just pray that God tells us what we're supposed to do. We wonder if it's wrong for us to spend loads of money attempting to get pregnant when there are so many kids out there that need a home. But then my heart gets a vision of little Michael Patrick and I would so love to have a little boy just like him. God, what are you telling us to do?!! These deliberations really require a lot of faith and patience!
Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.
1 Corinthians 16:13
The past few days have also taught me that I need to be more strict with my diet. As mentioned in a prior post, I'm trying to limit my 'white food'. Basically complex carbs like potatoes, white pasta, and white bread are very bad for me. I might let one per day slide and it doesn't really bother me, but the past several days, I haven't been able to avoid the white food so much and I've had a constant tummy ache practically. I'm glad I know it's because of my diagnosis of PCOS; however, it doesn't make the pains go away.
It just makes me wonder if my body can get completely right to carry a baby. We've learned that we can get my body to ovulate, but can we get an embryo to stick and can I carry a baby full term? We still have so many uncertainties.
On Saturday we attended an adoption workshop at our church. Besides talking to friends and doing a limited amount of online research, adoption hasn't been an option we've talked about much. I was worried about it causing me to get emotional and I felt awkward as we walked in. I wondered if everyone could see the look of infertility on our faces and I wondered if there were other people around like us. There were speakers and then a workshop afterwards. It was mainly about foster kids and adopting older kids. That's really not what we're thinking right now. Our hearts are still set on a baby. We left with more confusion than what we walked in with.
I'm definitely not opposed to having an adopted child. I would love to have one, but the whole adoption process still really scares me. Infertility has been heart wrenching enough that the waiting and possibility of minds being changed at the last hour worries me tremendously.
It's just so much to keep on our minds. I may not have gotten to deliberate in jury duty, but I feel like my life is a deliberation right now. Even talks of donor sperm have come up and that also scares me. Right now that is the cheapest option, but my least favorite. I can already foresee the arguments. I'll want a donor that's just like Mike and he'll want one that's just like Derek Jeter.
We're still going with the plan and we just pray that God tells us what we're supposed to do. We wonder if it's wrong for us to spend loads of money attempting to get pregnant when there are so many kids out there that need a home. But then my heart gets a vision of little Michael Patrick and I would so love to have a little boy just like him. God, what are you telling us to do?!! These deliberations really require a lot of faith and patience!
Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.
1 Corinthians 16:13
Friday, October 12, 2012
Fertility World
Not much is going on in fertility world right now, we are just taking our meds and doing our best to get our bodies right. The baseball playoffs are keeping me from being overly active and encouraging me to eat pizza.
Apparently there is a male form of Clomid as well and of course, I need it. So now I get to wake up at 3am for no reason like Veronica did a few months back. At least Home Improvement comes on TV Land around that time. I also managed to pass out on the front porch while doing yard work, which terrified Veronica and probably thoroughly impressed our new neighbors.
Fertility world can be a consuming place. It tends to occupy our marriage and I am sure we aren’t the only ones it has done that to. We have talked about how we just need a night or a weekend away from infertility or Alzheimer’s, a night away from any type of stress where we can just go on a date. Pretend like it is two years ago, but that seems impossible. I can’t even go to bed without thinking about fertility world because I have to take my pills. I just got a new order of pills and they taste like death. I take them at night and still have a bad taste in my mouth when I wake up in the morning. This, of course, is when I have to take them again. This makes me think that maybe the last order of pills were bad because they didn’t have the bad taste. If the drugs work I am totally cool dealing with the bad taste, it’s no different than when Veronica makes vegetables with dinner.
It’s amazing to me how much this can consume your life. Having kids was always an afterthought before, we just knew it would happen. Now there are no guarantees, we don’t know what is happening. The word adoption is being spoken a lot more frequently right now. We try to distract ourselves with other things but the topic always comes back to fertility. I sense we are ready for some finality to this issue. I don’t know if that is us trying to rush God’s timing or God trying to tell us to take a different route. We are praying for clarity and direction on that issue. That’s all we are doing right now is praying and hoping things get better. I get to be the best man in my brother’s wedding next weekend. I am really looking forward to that. We get to go see Veronica’s parents this weekend and I know she is looking forward to that.
Please pray for God to give us some clarity and hopefully some answers. After over a year of this, we are ready for another answer besides no.
1 Corinthians 13:12: "Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Not Alone
Very sorry we haven't posted. It's been really hard to put my thoughts into a post right now. I'm honestly been avoiding thinking about what's to come. I know we likely will have some big decisions to make soon and I just don't know what to do or think. I'm currently serving on jury duty. And of course, I get picked for a big trial. So the next couple weeks are going to be exhausting. I've got to digest all the information in the courtroom and try to take notes and remember every detail that I can and then I come home and catch up on the work I missed at the office. Tonight I went to the gym. I've been too slammed to go the past couple nights. I debated going, but a kickboxing class got me pumped up and I needed a good workout.
I've learned that what helps me get through this infertility life is knowing that I'm not alone. I'm also learning that it's hard for people to truly understand what we're going through. It makes you feel less of a person because you can't do what almost everyone else can do...procreate. I know that it takes couples multiple months before they might get pregnant and they experience that disappointment. But when doctors tell you that your chances of having your own biological child are low, it's a sadness and disappointment that I can't even discribe.
Monday on my lunch break away from the court house, I ate lunch next to a couple of ladies. I couldn't help overhear their conversation where one lady shared with her friend that she was pregnant. I can't escape the fact that people are getting to share that news everywhere. I wonder why I had to pick that table to sit at and why I had to hear that. I know that to some it isn't a big deal, but God knows that it always hurts me to know that I have little hope that I'll be sharing that news with a friend over lunch.
Now a new season of Guiliana and Bill has begun and I've been so excited to watch. They have really been my inspiration through their infertility. I'm so happy that they are getting the answer to their prayers and have become parents. However, my interest in their show has gone down a bit because now they are in the next step that I can't relate to. I'm now watching them plan for making room in a new house for a nursery and having a baby shower. I am happy for them and I just hope we have a light at the end of the tunnel like they do. I know an episode about the birth is coming up soon and I know it will be sad to watch a baby placed in their arms when my arms remain empty.
For our other infertility friends, here are some blogs and websites that I visit often that have helped me.
www.noneintheoven.com
www.pregnancywonders.com/blog
www.theinfertilityvoice.com
http://www.sixmillionminusone.blogspot.com/ - Friends of mine, who recently adopted from Ethopia
http://mommieslittlemiracle.blogspot.com/
...and my favorite www.999reasonstolaugh.com
I've learned that what helps me get through this infertility life is knowing that I'm not alone. I'm also learning that it's hard for people to truly understand what we're going through. It makes you feel less of a person because you can't do what almost everyone else can do...procreate. I know that it takes couples multiple months before they might get pregnant and they experience that disappointment. But when doctors tell you that your chances of having your own biological child are low, it's a sadness and disappointment that I can't even discribe.
Monday on my lunch break away from the court house, I ate lunch next to a couple of ladies. I couldn't help overhear their conversation where one lady shared with her friend that she was pregnant. I can't escape the fact that people are getting to share that news everywhere. I wonder why I had to pick that table to sit at and why I had to hear that. I know that to some it isn't a big deal, but God knows that it always hurts me to know that I have little hope that I'll be sharing that news with a friend over lunch.
Now a new season of Guiliana and Bill has begun and I've been so excited to watch. They have really been my inspiration through their infertility. I'm so happy that they are getting the answer to their prayers and have become parents. However, my interest in their show has gone down a bit because now they are in the next step that I can't relate to. I'm now watching them plan for making room in a new house for a nursery and having a baby shower. I am happy for them and I just hope we have a light at the end of the tunnel like they do. I know an episode about the birth is coming up soon and I know it will be sad to watch a baby placed in their arms when my arms remain empty.
For our other infertility friends, here are some blogs and websites that I visit often that have helped me.
www.noneintheoven.com
www.pregnancywonders.com/blog
www.theinfertilityvoice.com
http://www.sixmillionminusone.blogspot.com/ - Friends of mine, who recently adopted from Ethopia
http://mommieslittlemiracle.blogspot.com/
...and my favorite www.999reasonstolaugh.com
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