Deliberations

It's been a crazy couple weeks. I'm glad the stress of jury duty is over, but I wasn't happy with the outcome. I was on a trial for 9 days and since I was in my brother-in-law's wedding on Friday, the judge made me the alternate so I could be a part of the day's festivities. It basically felt like reading a really amazing book and then it's taken away from you when you're on the last chapter. I made friends with the other jurors and one emailed me the verdict. I read it after the wedding and I just wanted to cry. It wasn't at all what I wanted. And now that I'm able to google more details, I still think I would not have mixed well with the other jurors' decision. It's been a few days and I still can't stop thinking about it.

The past few days have also taught me that I need to be more strict with my diet. As mentioned in a prior post, I'm trying to limit my 'white food'. Basically complex carbs like potatoes, white pasta, and white bread are very bad for me. I might let one per day slide and it doesn't really bother me, but the past several days, I haven't been able to avoid the white food so much and I've had a constant tummy ache practically. I'm glad I know it's because of my diagnosis of PCOS; however, it doesn't make the pains go away.

It just makes me wonder if my body can get completely right to carry a baby. We've learned that we can get my body to ovulate, but can we get an embryo to stick and can I carry a baby full term? We still have so many uncertainties.

On Saturday we attended an adoption workshop at our church. Besides talking to friends and doing a limited amount of online research, adoption hasn't been an option we've talked about much. I was worried about it causing me to get emotional and I felt awkward as we walked in. I wondered if everyone could see the look of infertility on our faces and I wondered if there were other people around like us. There were speakers and then a workshop afterwards. It was mainly about foster kids and adopting older kids. That's really not what we're thinking right now. Our hearts are still set on a baby. We left with more confusion than what we walked in with.

I'm definitely not opposed to having an adopted child. I would love to have one, but the whole adoption process still really scares me. Infertility has been heart wrenching enough that the waiting and possibility of minds being changed at the last hour worries me tremendously.

It's just so much to keep on our minds. I may not have gotten to deliberate in jury duty, but I feel like my life is a deliberation right now. Even talks of donor sperm have come up and that also scares me. Right now that is the cheapest option, but my least favorite. I can already foresee the arguments. I'll want a donor that's just like Mike and he'll want one that's just like Derek Jeter.

We're still going with the plan and we just pray that God tells us what we're supposed to do. We wonder if it's wrong for us to spend loads of money attempting to get pregnant when there are so many kids out there that need a home. But then my heart gets a vision of little Michael Patrick and I would so love to have a little boy just like him. God, what are you telling us to do?!! These deliberations really require a lot of faith and patience!

Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.
 1 Corinthians 16:13