Taking A Break (Sort of)

As you can tell from the tone of the past few posts, things haven't been great lately. We are back to a wall again in this struggle. We thought we had made some progress but it almost seems like it was just a tease. It actually feels like we are moving backwards at this point.

To be honest I haven't felt like writing on this blog much anymore. It's just not therapeutic for me like it used to be. I don't feel like talking to God about this anymore. I'm tired of not getting an answer back. I'm tired of not feeling comforted by him or confident that he will give us a solution. We have begged God to give us something. If we aren't meant to have kids then take the desire away. If we are, just not yet, then tell us. If you want us to go this route of procedures, doctor appointments, drugs, tests, schedules, stress, and serious financial burden; then at least try to make things easier around us. I know I have listened for God to talk to me, I just don't hear anything.

There was another "not great" appointment today, one that I couldn't be at and I am overridden with guilt about that right now. It sounds like even our doctor is losing hope.

We made two decisions that hopefully will help us through this time: first, we got a puppy. This is Jeter.



He doesn't replace our desire for a baby or even lessen it at all, but we just really wanted a puppy and he does at least give us a distraction from this crappy infetility junk. It seems like we don't ever get to have a normal evening or a normal conversation because right now everything just leads back to infertility; and inevitably we either end up debating some serious decisions or just crying.

That leads me to our next decision. We are taking a month off from this. We'll keep taking our drugs and going to the doctor, the only thing we really aren't going to do is any procedure intended to get Veronica pregnant.

Instead we are going to do a devotional we found for infertile couples. I say I don't hear God, but maybe we just aren't listening the right way. We really hope he will use this month to speak to us.

This months should bring some happiness as well. There is a family birthday this month (mine), we both always enjoy March Madness (especially when the Hoosiers are looking at a 1 seed, well that's just me), and now we have a puppy to play with as it gets warm outside.

Please pray for my wife, she is so strong yet so passionate. It kills me to see her want this so badly and get told no every single month. I feel helpless, I want a baby too, but I want it more for her.

Thank you all for your prayers and support.

Job 33:14- "For God speaks again and again, though people do not recognize it."

A Down Right Awful Day

I can't begin to describe what a terribly, yucky day yesterday was for us. So much that it's awfulness is creeping into today and it threatens to ruin our weekend.

It started with getting a text from Mike saying that he was in a car wreck with work. He was in one of the vans from work and he wasn't hurt, but still it made a not-so-fun morning for him...especially in the cold, nasty weather.

Secondly, I got a call from my ob/gyn telling me that again my pap smear came back negative. I had done a coloscopy a little over a year ago and she's been monitoring my cervix in 6 month visits. If everything came back ok this time, then she said we could go back to yearly check-ups and assume all is good. Well, all is not good, but because of my body undergoing all of this infertility fun, she didn't want to do anything now and just wait and check again in 6 months. In my head, I wonder if something bigger is going on in my body preventing me from getting pregnant.

Next I get an email finding out that one of my former co-workers has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. The outlet looks good, but I hate that she's in pain and is going through this.

And the final big doozy of the day, I got home from the gym and knew I need to take a pregnancy test. We did our 4th IUI two weeks ago. All the numbers looked good again. Leading into ovulation I had four large follicles and our doctor was a bit concerned it was too many. After taking an injection, one of the follicles dropped down, so she felt relief that we only were working with 3. I just like the fact that our odds were better. I told her I wasn't worried about triplets, I just wanted to see one work.

I was suppose to take a pregnancy test in the morning, but just didn't want the news. I knew that I wasn't pregnant. I took the test in our bathroom and went downstairs before I could see the results. I waited for Mike to come home and he confirmed that the news was bad and didn't even let me see it. I completely lost it...again. I can't even describe the despair I feel. I wish God would just take this desire out of my heart, because I can't take this pain anymore. We decided to sit down and talk for a bit and try to figure things out between tears. There's just so much uncertainty.

We considered taking a break. Our bodies are so drugged up right now and it's really been difficult living from one drug to the next and waiting for ovulation and then waiting for the bad results. Plus the cost is adding up. We still haven't finished paying for our 3rd IUI and we're about to get the bill for the 4th one. I also got a letter yesterday that the cost of one of my drugs is going up...and it's the one that costs the most! I really don't see taking a break as an option for me though. In 2 months, I'll be turning 36 and my clock is really ticking. Plus I know that my dad's memory is running out too.

So what do we do? Seriously, if you are reading this, tell me what we should do?!! I have no clue. We need answers. I really feel like I'm not going to get pregnant any time soon. Even if we jump back in and do a 5th IUI, I just don't think it will work. So we mentioned going for IVF, the success rate is much higher. Logically that makes sense, but again, I just don't think God is planning on me getting pregnant soon, so why go through that and go into debt for it?!

And then there's adoption. That's really a lot more money and there's so much uncertainty and stress in that process. We would be going through many more months, possibly years before we could get a baby.

And then there's the scarest option of all, one that we did talk about, which is remaining childless. This is one that has been coming up more often. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am with my husband and how much fun we have together, but I will always long for something more in our relationship and that's for us to experience parenthood together.

When I hear women complain about only getting 2 hours of sleep last night because of a sick kid or a sweater getting ruined by baby puke or not getting to stay out late because you have to get home to relieve the babysitter, you have no idea how jealous I am of them. I would love to make any of those statements. As much as I love my sleep, I would give anything for a crying baby to wake me up in the middle of the night. I even woke up several times last night and the silence was so deafening. I longed to hear a baby crying from down the hall.

I'm praying and trying to figure out what God is telling me, but I'm not hearing anything and I feel like I've got to decide quickly. I suspect our next cycle will be delayed a week or two. I can feel at least one, maybe two of the follicles didn't decrease, so we'll have to treat those before they become cysts.

For awhile, I thought God was telling me something. I'm currently in the middle of training for my next half-marathon. My mileage and intensity is increasing. Well, the day after the IUI I caught a terrible stomach bug and didn't run that night. And on the nights of two more of my long runs, I started feeling bad when it was time to go to the gym. I wondered if God was telling me to take it easy because something was forming inside. So I listened to Him and started taking it easier. I still wanted to exercise and I continued to train, but my running was at a very slow jog and I even did a couple of the miles walking...just in case I might be pregnant. I guess it wasn't Him at all and I'm just being silly. I'm just hoping for any sign or communication from Him.

God, I love you and trust you, but please talk to us...We're ready to listen.

Another Season

Last week I went to my first Resolve Support Group meeting. There is a relatively new chapter started in Louisville for women facing infertility. I met 5 amazing women also fighting this battle. For the first time in a long time, I felt comfortable sharing in a group and I could use slang medical terms and they would know what I was talking about.

I often feel like the freak in the group of any of my friends. I'm the elephant in the room when people are talking about kids and babies and I'm the one with the disability. These ladies made me feel normal for once in a long time. I didn't have the saddest story of the group. I was amazed by what the other ladies have been through. I love that even after our first meeting we were sharing so much and we were all pulling for each other. I look forward to the next time with these ladies and I hope to see a happy ending for all of them soon.

As much as I am excited to find this group, I wish it didn't exist. I wish there wasn't a need for a support group for women struggling with something that comes so easy to others.

There are so many half thoughts coming in my head right now to write about, but I'm just in a really weird place. I feel bitter and just numb. I can also tell my husband isn't 100%. He's been wanting a puppy and he's been researching constantly. As much as I resist because of the extra cost that we don't need, I do think he deserves one and it's what our family needs. I think it's a way to fill the void and a way to share all the love he has.

I'm hoping that getting some warm weather soon will help both of us. I need a change and a new beginning. But it also reminds me that another season has gone by and more time has passed and our dreams are left unfulfilled.

We'll continue to pray and put our trust in God's plan...