A Down Right Awful Day

I can't begin to describe what a terribly, yucky day yesterday was for us. So much that it's awfulness is creeping into today and it threatens to ruin our weekend.

It started with getting a text from Mike saying that he was in a car wreck with work. He was in one of the vans from work and he wasn't hurt, but still it made a not-so-fun morning for him...especially in the cold, nasty weather.

Secondly, I got a call from my ob/gyn telling me that again my pap smear came back negative. I had done a coloscopy a little over a year ago and she's been monitoring my cervix in 6 month visits. If everything came back ok this time, then she said we could go back to yearly check-ups and assume all is good. Well, all is not good, but because of my body undergoing all of this infertility fun, she didn't want to do anything now and just wait and check again in 6 months. In my head, I wonder if something bigger is going on in my body preventing me from getting pregnant.

Next I get an email finding out that one of my former co-workers has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. The outlet looks good, but I hate that she's in pain and is going through this.

And the final big doozy of the day, I got home from the gym and knew I need to take a pregnancy test. We did our 4th IUI two weeks ago. All the numbers looked good again. Leading into ovulation I had four large follicles and our doctor was a bit concerned it was too many. After taking an injection, one of the follicles dropped down, so she felt relief that we only were working with 3. I just like the fact that our odds were better. I told her I wasn't worried about triplets, I just wanted to see one work.

I was suppose to take a pregnancy test in the morning, but just didn't want the news. I knew that I wasn't pregnant. I took the test in our bathroom and went downstairs before I could see the results. I waited for Mike to come home and he confirmed that the news was bad and didn't even let me see it. I completely lost it...again. I can't even describe the despair I feel. I wish God would just take this desire out of my heart, because I can't take this pain anymore. We decided to sit down and talk for a bit and try to figure things out between tears. There's just so much uncertainty.

We considered taking a break. Our bodies are so drugged up right now and it's really been difficult living from one drug to the next and waiting for ovulation and then waiting for the bad results. Plus the cost is adding up. We still haven't finished paying for our 3rd IUI and we're about to get the bill for the 4th one. I also got a letter yesterday that the cost of one of my drugs is going up...and it's the one that costs the most! I really don't see taking a break as an option for me though. In 2 months, I'll be turning 36 and my clock is really ticking. Plus I know that my dad's memory is running out too.

So what do we do? Seriously, if you are reading this, tell me what we should do?!! I have no clue. We need answers. I really feel like I'm not going to get pregnant any time soon. Even if we jump back in and do a 5th IUI, I just don't think it will work. So we mentioned going for IVF, the success rate is much higher. Logically that makes sense, but again, I just don't think God is planning on me getting pregnant soon, so why go through that and go into debt for it?!

And then there's adoption. That's really a lot more money and there's so much uncertainty and stress in that process. We would be going through many more months, possibly years before we could get a baby.

And then there's the scarest option of all, one that we did talk about, which is remaining childless. This is one that has been coming up more often. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am with my husband and how much fun we have together, but I will always long for something more in our relationship and that's for us to experience parenthood together.

When I hear women complain about only getting 2 hours of sleep last night because of a sick kid or a sweater getting ruined by baby puke or not getting to stay out late because you have to get home to relieve the babysitter, you have no idea how jealous I am of them. I would love to make any of those statements. As much as I love my sleep, I would give anything for a crying baby to wake me up in the middle of the night. I even woke up several times last night and the silence was so deafening. I longed to hear a baby crying from down the hall.

I'm praying and trying to figure out what God is telling me, but I'm not hearing anything and I feel like I've got to decide quickly. I suspect our next cycle will be delayed a week or two. I can feel at least one, maybe two of the follicles didn't decrease, so we'll have to treat those before they become cysts.

For awhile, I thought God was telling me something. I'm currently in the middle of training for my next half-marathon. My mileage and intensity is increasing. Well, the day after the IUI I caught a terrible stomach bug and didn't run that night. And on the nights of two more of my long runs, I started feeling bad when it was time to go to the gym. I wondered if God was telling me to take it easy because something was forming inside. So I listened to Him and started taking it easier. I still wanted to exercise and I continued to train, but my running was at a very slow jog and I even did a couple of the miles walking...just in case I might be pregnant. I guess it wasn't Him at all and I'm just being silly. I'm just hoping for any sign or communication from Him.

God, I love you and trust you, but please talk to us...We're ready to listen.