We had a pretty good day yesterday. After work we went to my softball game where Veronica got to hang out with some of her friends who also have husbands on the team and I got to help dominate the Beargrass Christian Church men's team. We then immediately took off for the Yum Center for a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. It was a fun show despite the fact that I am pretty sure we were the only two there with full-time jobs.
Looming over all of that was yet another doctor appointment this morning. So far these appoinments always begin with hope and end with despair. We have seriously gone in there every time thinking this will the appointment when they get us heading in the right direction, and every time we leave with nothing but more bad news.
To keep it short and simple, still, nothing is working. Her body isn't doing things right and the drugs aren't working to fix it. So the solution of course is more drugs.
It seems like so long ago when we thought I was the problem, and back then it seemed so simple to fix. The complexity of this whole situation just seems to keep getting larger.
I hear stories of people who went through this for 3-4 years with no resolution. If you are one of them you have my utmost respect. I don't know how you handle this feeling for so long. It's depressing to have so much hope then just 20 minutes later all the hope is gone until your next appointment. Anymore I have to constantly fight the worry and doubt that is creeping up inside of me. Everything within my faith tells me that our desire to have kids is something that God placed in our hearts because it is something that he wants for us too. But then I can't help but wonder what the purpose is of all of this; is it just this blog? Is it to help our faith? Does he want us to slow things down? Or is there no reason for this? Maybe it's just happening.
It's frustrating to read stories about a young girl who got high and left her baby on top of a car and drove off. Or to read about the guy who found an abandoned infant in an alley. Or about the guy in Tennessee that has 30 different kids with 11 different women and makes minimum wage so he gets out of paying child support. I read that story and the writer tries to get me to feel sorry for him. Sometimes I think it's OK to question God so long as we don't doubt God. I hope so because I can't help but question why fertility comes so easy to people like that when we go through this.
I know we'll be great parents that will raise our kids in the church and mold them into Godly people. We just need the chance to be able to do that.
Isaiah 41:10 "Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
I am not down playing your grief. I've been there, but a few words that helped me..
ReplyDelete-when struggling with the kind of news stories you referenced, it always helped me to think that their issue was their cross to bear just like infertility was mine
-I once heard that worry is thinking God will get it wrong and bitterness is thinking He did
I continue to pray for His will in your lives. He loves you and has a plan for you.
My heart breaks for you guys. This is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. You guys are an awesome couple and will be great parents. Adam and I can relate to what you guys are feeling. We ended up just taking a break with all the appointments because we kind o couldn't handle it anymore. I just needed a mental break. We tried Clomid but only for one cycle. I got a second prescription for it but didn't fill it because my doctor was kind of rude and not helpful and I was just frustrated. So we never turned back after that. I wouldn't want to go through that again but I am so thankful for what God did in us through all that pain so in a way I'm in a place now where I'm thankful for that time. I think what you guys are feeling is ok and normal. It's ok to be sad. Things like this are hard. I still couldn't te you the reason that I could'nt get pregnant but I do know that that pain did not go to waste. God is defintely our Redeemer...."in this world you will have trouble but take heart, I have overcome the world." John 16:33. Hang in there you two. God has a plan and he hears every prayer and holds every tear, but he will NOT let it go to waste and He has a hope and a future for you guys. Adam and I are here for you guys if you need anything! Jess
ReplyDeleteI love Mindy's comment about worry. I know I have said it a million times but the book "Living with Thorns" is a great one. Even if you got a copy and didn't read it cover to cover. It turns the "whys" into "who is my redeemer?" You already know that answer and it keeps the focus on Him rather than the struggles. God has a great plan for your guys better than you can even image.
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