Clock's ticking...

I know we need to get better about posting more often. At least once a week. There really isn't any good news to report. Just doing a lot of thinking and praying. We've gotten settled into our house and I need to start another big project. I feel like the past few nights I have just felt down and I guess it's not good to have too much time to think.

I know a lot of people have dealt with infertility longer than our 13 months. I feel bad when I'm down and I know so many other that have had harder struggles than we have. I have been desperate for a baby for many, many years. I really feel that God put a calling in me to be a mom. I remember back in early 2008 going to see Slumdog Millionaire. All I could think about that night and the next couple days was that maybe I should adopt a kid from India. The boys were so cute and I really couldn't stop thinking about them. I even looked up details online. I did hold off on the adoption, but I kept the hope of being a mom.

So when Mike and I decided to get married, I let him know that I would want kids soon. It was mainly because of my age. I did want time to enjoy being married and just the two of us, but I knew my clock was ticking. I felt guilty because Mike was so much younger, but he was just as excited about parenthood as I was. We thought we'd wait about 6 months, but we didn't wait that long. I have friends that had fertility problems, so I thought it would be best to start as soon as we could (How right was I?)

We were going to take a vacation to Paris and Rome 4 months after our wedding, so we decided we start then. But it was about a month before that though when we stopped using birth control. I really wanted to conceive in Paris and give our kid a French name like Pierre or Antoinette. Well, we didn't get pregnant before Paris or during or after.

I really hate that infertility is so much of our lives. I honestly probably don't go an hour of my day without thinking about it. Pathetic, I know. I want to scream sometimes how unfair all of this is. I don't even feel like turning on the TV. I don't want to hear about Snooki's baby or Honey BooBoo's teenage sister getting pregnant. With all we've learned and everything we're working on, I can't comprehend how someone can accidentally get pregnant. I would love to wake up one morning vomiting and it just dawn on me that I missed my period.

I'm really losing hope that it will happen. I already know it won't be easy. This week has been frustrating because I'm waiting for my period to start. We knew we didn't have much of a chance that the last IUI would work, but there was some hope. But three tests throughout the week told us "not pregnant". I really just want one time to see it say "pregnant" even if it's a false positive, just so I know those tests can give anything besides negative news. I hate when my period's late, because it gives us false hope and it just delays our next cycle. I can hear my clock ticking louder than ever now and it's not shutting up...