Since we're just on maintenance mode right now for our fertility, it seems like we don't think about it as much. I'm not experiencing my nightly crying. I'm really trying to focus on being strong. I am worried about January though. I'm really hopeful that our last attempt at IUI will be successful. Sometimes if I really think about it, I get freaked out. What if we don't ever get to have children?? That thought scares me to death and it seems like it's a reality we may have to face. I know that may sound super negative, but I just want to prepare myself for the worst.
My wonderful husband said something to me last night when I was feeling down about all of it. He said 2013 could have some great things for us. Honestly, 2012 sucks. It has not been a great year. Yeah, we've done some fun stuff...but it can be hard to focus on having fun when this is always in the back of my mind. I'm praying that 2013 will be much better.
2009 wasn't a great year for me either. I was dealing with a bad ex-boyfriend and was just bummed on being single. Lots of bad first dates. But like magic, 2010 became the best year I had ever had up to that point. In January, I started dating the adorable Mike Idle and I got a surprise trip to LA with two of my favorite gals. The year was off to a great start. By February I knew this is the guy I would marry and couldn't live without. The rest of the year including having tons of fun together, getting engaged, and planning our special wedding.
So basically I'm hoping that the complete change from 2009 to 2010 will be mirrored for 2012 to 2013. I know that God has great things in store for us.
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
Hebrews 10:36
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
One Thing Remains
Lately I have been trying to focus more on the things that God has blessed us with. As I have said in the past, we were starting to let infertility control our lives. All we would be doing is fighting or crying. I think that is Satan trying to do that, making us forget about all the blessings and narrowing our focus on a negative until we blame God. He wants us to think that God doesn’t care about us, that he has forgotten about us. We have tried to focus on the things God has blessed us with because of his love that bring joy to our lives: family, friends, our small group, our church, our house just to name a few. And I have found myself being more and more satisfied with the knowledge that God is still here and still has a plan. It has helped our relationship with God and helped our marriage.
I meant to write this a few weeks back but kind of put it off because it is kind of embarrassing. A few weeks ago at church we sang a song that is quickly becoming one of my favorites, it is called One Thing Remains. I wanted to write the song out (just, for your own good, don’t try to imagine my voice singing it)
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains
One thing remains
Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me
On and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me
In death and in life I’m confident and covered
by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there’s nothing that can separate my heart from your great love
by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there’s nothing that can separate my heart from your great love
Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me
When we sang this song I was in one of my funks. We hadn’t gotten any good news in a while and we were just throwing ourselves a pity party. When I heard this song it was almost like I had some sort of stark realization of how fortunate we still are. Sometimes it is easy to feel empty from infertility like when you get nothing but bad news, everyone you know is getting pregnant, you hear how expensive procedures are, you hear how expensive and risky adoption is. The future can look bleak and it can be easy to blur everything else out and focus on what has taken over your life.
In that moment we are supposed to focus on God’s love and how amazing it is. I’m embarrassed because this song brought me to tears just hearing the words because some of them hit home. This infertility battle feels like a tall mountain, and it feels like a powerful force. But His love is taller and stronger. Sometimes I feel like God isn’t there and it makes me feel empty, but His love goes on and on. And if you allow it to, it will overwhelm and satisfy your soul. I get afraid a lot, afraid of what the future holds for us, but with God’s love I don’t have to. I can be confident in the future and have no worry and no fear. Because when there is nothing else I know that one thing remains, and it is His unfailing, unending love. I know God’s love has always been there, I just have let Satan distract me from it. I feel guilty for the times I have questioned God, gotten angry at him, or doubted him.
The last few weeks have been really annoying on Facebook mostly because of the political posts but also because everyone does their thankful posts every day. I’m not judging anyone for doing them, but when everyone does them it clogs my timeline up. Plus after the first few days when everyone says family, friends, pets, etc they run out of creative ideas and end up being thankful for peanut butter or something like that. However, in the spirit of being thankful; I am thankful that when we are down, sad, and feeling empty we have support to fall back on. We have our family and friends, our church and small group. We have those of you who read this blog and leave us notes of support. But most importantly we have the amazing, unfailing, never ending love of an awesome and amazing God, Savior, and Creator.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Pity Party
It's been a busy week at work. Yesterday was Ad Day at the Downs, so I spent the afternoon at the track and got to see some of my favorite people in the ad business. With life always staying crazy, it's my only chance to see some of those people. I get into work today and my to-do list is long. However, it starts out with hearing that one of my co-workers is pregnant. Now all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and I don't feel like working at all. I decided to write on the blog.
I'm sorry if it comes off a little angry. It's not angry, it's sadness. I know I should be happy for my co-worker, but it just stinks because her assistant is currently on maternity leave for having a baby and the client that the 3 of us work with is also pregnant. I can't wait to have the meetings when all 3 of them are discussing their cute babies and complain about sleepless nights. I would give anything to get up in the middle of the night to comfort my crying baby. And if anyone knows how much I love to sleep, they know that's huge for me to say.
I know this probably sounds extremely selfish, but as infertile people know, it's so hard to be around this when that's all you think about. It's all I have thought about for 14 months. I feel I've worked so hard at something that I see everyone else getting, but not me.
I know we haven't updated since our last doctor appointment last week. It did go pretty well, if you don't count the hour we had to wait before seeing the doctor. He told us that Mike's testosterone has doubled since the drugs he's on. It was already on a normal level, so he is extra 'manly' now. The thinking was that if we get this really high, then maybe it'll improve the sperm count. We can't know that for sure unless we do a test. However, we can do that at the same time as an IUI and only pay for it once. The doctor does want us to continue doing this as well as get Mike to lose weight for a couple months. So our plan is to try another insemination in January. To me that is the bad news, it seems like so far away and I hate not having something to do each day working toward having a baby.
I'm really praying that this third insemination is successful. If we still don't have a high enough sperm count, then there isn't really a good reason to waste our money on doing it again. And then that's when the hard decisions and big bucks are needed. Now that I have avoided work all day, I better get back to it. Hopefully I can get through the day without crying at my desk.
I'm sorry if it comes off a little angry. It's not angry, it's sadness. I know I should be happy for my co-worker, but it just stinks because her assistant is currently on maternity leave for having a baby and the client that the 3 of us work with is also pregnant. I can't wait to have the meetings when all 3 of them are discussing their cute babies and complain about sleepless nights. I would give anything to get up in the middle of the night to comfort my crying baby. And if anyone knows how much I love to sleep, they know that's huge for me to say.
I know this probably sounds extremely selfish, but as infertile people know, it's so hard to be around this when that's all you think about. It's all I have thought about for 14 months. I feel I've worked so hard at something that I see everyone else getting, but not me.
I know we haven't updated since our last doctor appointment last week. It did go pretty well, if you don't count the hour we had to wait before seeing the doctor. He told us that Mike's testosterone has doubled since the drugs he's on. It was already on a normal level, so he is extra 'manly' now. The thinking was that if we get this really high, then maybe it'll improve the sperm count. We can't know that for sure unless we do a test. However, we can do that at the same time as an IUI and only pay for it once. The doctor does want us to continue doing this as well as get Mike to lose weight for a couple months. So our plan is to try another insemination in January. To me that is the bad news, it seems like so far away and I hate not having something to do each day working toward having a baby.
I'm really praying that this third insemination is successful. If we still don't have a high enough sperm count, then there isn't really a good reason to waste our money on doing it again. And then that's when the hard decisions and big bucks are needed. Now that I have avoided work all day, I better get back to it. Hopefully I can get through the day without crying at my desk.
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