Pity Party

It's been a busy week at work. Yesterday was Ad Day at the Downs, so I spent the afternoon at the track and got to see some of my favorite people in the ad business. With life always staying crazy, it's my only chance to see some of those people. I get into work today and my to-do list is long. However, it starts out with hearing that one of my co-workers is pregnant. Now all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and I don't feel like working at all. I decided to write on the blog.

I'm sorry if it comes off a little angry. It's not angry, it's sadness. I know I should be happy for my co-worker, but it just stinks because her assistant is currently on maternity leave for having a baby and the client that the 3 of us work with is also pregnant. I can't wait to have the meetings when all 3 of them are discussing their cute babies and complain about sleepless nights. I would give anything to get up in the middle of the night to comfort my crying baby. And if anyone knows how much I love to sleep, they know that's huge for me to say.

I know this probably sounds extremely selfish, but as infertile people know, it's so hard to be around this when that's all you think about. It's all I have thought about for 14 months. I feel I've worked so hard at something that I see everyone else getting, but not me.

I know we haven't updated since our last doctor appointment last week. It did go pretty well, if you don't count the hour we had to wait before seeing the doctor. He told us that Mike's testosterone has doubled since the drugs he's on. It was already on a normal level, so he is extra 'manly' now. The thinking was that if we get this really high, then maybe it'll improve the sperm count. We can't know that for sure unless we do a test. However, we can do that at the same time as an IUI and only pay for it once. The doctor does want us to continue doing this as well as get Mike to lose weight for a couple months. So our plan is to try another insemination in January. To me that is the bad news, it seems like so far away and I hate not having something to do each day working toward having a baby.

I'm really praying that this third insemination is successful. If we still don't have a high enough sperm count, then there isn't really a good reason to waste our money on doing it again. And then that's when the hard decisions and big bucks are needed. Now that I have avoided work all day, I better get back to it. Hopefully I can get through the day without crying at my desk.