We are now in a pretty weird place with our infertility. One that we feared would come up. And that's facing a tough decision. We've talked about them before, but we're soon going to have to make one. And it's one with no right answer or guarantee.
I called our doctor to chat about our recent failure and what's next. She talked for awhile about our past numbers and the science of it all and I asked her thoughts on IVF. She explained a little and said that the first step was having a discussion in her office. So we made an appointment for that.
After talking to her and thinking about it more throughout that day, I felt excited about it and ready for something new to try. But then the next day, I did more research on it and I got discouraged. First the odds of its success aren't as high as I thought and those odds start to go down after age 35. So then I'm thinking why attempt something with such a big price tag?
I stopped in one of my favorite places today. I went to Shane Co. to get our rings cleaned. Of course, I looked around while they were being cleaned and had the sales associate get out some diamond earrings to look at. They were so pretty! I'm not a big expensive jewelry person. I wanted a nice engagement ring and I'd like some nice earrings, but I'm good after that. Yes, the earrings were thousands of dollars, but they were cheaper than IVF. I even joked with Mike that the earrings were a guarantee. If I bought them, I would definitely get them. With IVF, we can't say for sure that we'd take a baby home in 9 months.
I'm currently reading Life of Pi by Yann Martel and here's an excerpt from it that relates to my feelings on this...
Some of us give up on life with only a resigned sigh. Others fight a little, then lose hope. Still others - and I am one of those - never give up. We fight and fight and fight. We fight no matter the cost of the battle, the losses we take, the improbability of success. We fight to the very end. It's not a question of courage. It's something constiutional, an inability to let go. it may be nothing more than life-hungry stupidity.
As long as I have this longing in my heart to have a baby and be a mom, I'm going to keep fighting. As much as the emotions and rejection knock me down, I'm never giving up.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Crushed Spirit
I really think my blog post last week was too negative and missing an important element. Our faith. Without a doubt, our faith has been challenged and I need to stay positive and know that my God is with me. I keep thinking about Job and all that he went through and his faith never waivered. I really need the strength of Job right now.
A couple weeks ago, we stayed in Mt. Sterling with my parents on a Friday night to get up the next day and drive on to Ashland, KY for my cousin's high school graduation party. Since Jeter had a 'sleep over' with his friend Bruno, we were puppy free and I was excited at getting to sleep in. Unfortunately that didn't happen. At 7:30, I woke up to hearing my dad screaming. I jumped up and ran to check on him. I saw his body going crazy and I screamed to Mike that he was having a seizure. I went to his side and he quickly stopped and I was able to calm him down. It really scared me.
I knew this was a side effect of late term Alzheimer's, but I'm tired of the new obstacle and I know it really upset my mom. He had another one a few days after that, so now we're going through testing about it. I'm not sure what the tests can tell us or what can be done to help. My main concern is that whatever we encounter we find the solution that makes things as easy as possible for my mom.
For some reason, this latest challenge has really made me wonder how much time is really left with my dad. I'm mentally prepared for it, but I just want so many more great moments together. I really feel the urgency even more to give him a grandchild. That thought made my tears flow so much last week and what continues to break my heart. I so want him to meet his grandchild. I want to see his face light up when he gets to hold our baby.
I don't know what plan God has for us. I am so anxious to know what it is. Instead of feeling an end to our infertility journey, I feel like we are walking backwards.
My mother-in-law passed on this verse and it really gives me comfort right now:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18
A couple weeks ago, we stayed in Mt. Sterling with my parents on a Friday night to get up the next day and drive on to Ashland, KY for my cousin's high school graduation party. Since Jeter had a 'sleep over' with his friend Bruno, we were puppy free and I was excited at getting to sleep in. Unfortunately that didn't happen. At 7:30, I woke up to hearing my dad screaming. I jumped up and ran to check on him. I saw his body going crazy and I screamed to Mike that he was having a seizure. I went to his side and he quickly stopped and I was able to calm him down. It really scared me.
I knew this was a side effect of late term Alzheimer's, but I'm tired of the new obstacle and I know it really upset my mom. He had another one a few days after that, so now we're going through testing about it. I'm not sure what the tests can tell us or what can be done to help. My main concern is that whatever we encounter we find the solution that makes things as easy as possible for my mom.
For some reason, this latest challenge has really made me wonder how much time is really left with my dad. I'm mentally prepared for it, but I just want so many more great moments together. I really feel the urgency even more to give him a grandchild. That thought made my tears flow so much last week and what continues to break my heart. I so want him to meet his grandchild. I want to see his face light up when he gets to hold our baby.
I don't know what plan God has for us. I am so anxious to know what it is. Instead of feeling an end to our infertility journey, I feel like we are walking backwards.
My mother-in-law passed on this verse and it really gives me comfort right now:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18
Monday, June 10, 2013
#FAIL
Hours after my last post, we went to the doctor for the dreaded test. I was nervous about it, but ready for it. Well, they did an ultrasound to make sure I wasn't close to ovulated, but actually I was very, very close. We had one huge follicle. The drugs worked really quick this time. So the test was canceled, I took a trigger shot, and we scheduled an IUI for the next day!
I was very relieved not to do that test, but I had a few doubts. The reason we were doing the test was to make sure my tubes weren't blocked. Would it be worth our time and money to do the IUI if we didn't know for sure? And especially for only one follicle? Every time we've done and IUI before we had at least 3. I'm a numbers person and I liked those odds better. But I thought that God was really trying to tell me something and I really had a good feeling about this special follicle.
Luckily the IUI was scheduled late in the afternoon the next day, so I could go home and recover. This was by far the worst one yet. I was in a lot of pain for the next several hours, but all good by the next day.
Fast forward to this weekend...testing time. The doctor told us to test Friday, but we voted for Saturday. We didn't want bad news before going to work. We even debated on not testing. We both get so nervous and were afraid of the same results. We were both awake at 5:30 Saturday morning. The anticipation kept us both from sleeping. So at 6:00, we decided to go ahead and test.
I don't really remember all the details from there...at least I don't want to. I don't want to remember the sobs, yelling, and tears that flowed. I had several plans for that day, but instead I couldn't focus on much more than lying in bed with my tissue box. I'm now angry with myself for not being more productive, but the errands will get taken care of and the house will get cleaned eventually. I had to mourn the loss of another failed pregnancy. Another failed cycle. And failed faith that our prayers will ever be answered.
I had so many fights in my head. The faith I've been living by all my life versus the hurt and disappointment that we keep facing. Words like "unfair" and "why?" stay in our vocabulary.
I had to snap myself out of my funk. So by 6:00, I got out of pajamas and ate a small dinner and we got out of the house a bit. I know I can't feel sorry for myself too long and I still have a husband, puppy, and family that depend on me. I know Mike is hurting just as much as me. He expresses it differently and has the added stress of trying to be strong and supportive for me.
We were both thinking about what to do next, but we haven't made any decisions. Honestly, I don't know how to make the right decision. It seems pointless to do a sixth IUI. One of us has been hesitant about adoption and the other is feeling against IVF. I had a feeling we'd get to this spot, but I was just praying that this decision would be avoided.
I'm sorry to my friends and family that I may not be 100% right now. This infertile life has changed me. I'm just trying to go through the motions. I'm tired of crying and being sad. I know I'll be ok and I'll get through this and I'll get through the next heartbreak, but bitterness and pessimism have taken over my outlook.
I was very relieved not to do that test, but I had a few doubts. The reason we were doing the test was to make sure my tubes weren't blocked. Would it be worth our time and money to do the IUI if we didn't know for sure? And especially for only one follicle? Every time we've done and IUI before we had at least 3. I'm a numbers person and I liked those odds better. But I thought that God was really trying to tell me something and I really had a good feeling about this special follicle.
Luckily the IUI was scheduled late in the afternoon the next day, so I could go home and recover. This was by far the worst one yet. I was in a lot of pain for the next several hours, but all good by the next day.
Fast forward to this weekend...testing time. The doctor told us to test Friday, but we voted for Saturday. We didn't want bad news before going to work. We even debated on not testing. We both get so nervous and were afraid of the same results. We were both awake at 5:30 Saturday morning. The anticipation kept us both from sleeping. So at 6:00, we decided to go ahead and test.
I don't really remember all the details from there...at least I don't want to. I don't want to remember the sobs, yelling, and tears that flowed. I had several plans for that day, but instead I couldn't focus on much more than lying in bed with my tissue box. I'm now angry with myself for not being more productive, but the errands will get taken care of and the house will get cleaned eventually. I had to mourn the loss of another failed pregnancy. Another failed cycle. And failed faith that our prayers will ever be answered.
I had so many fights in my head. The faith I've been living by all my life versus the hurt and disappointment that we keep facing. Words like "unfair" and "why?" stay in our vocabulary.
I had to snap myself out of my funk. So by 6:00, I got out of pajamas and ate a small dinner and we got out of the house a bit. I know I can't feel sorry for myself too long and I still have a husband, puppy, and family that depend on me. I know Mike is hurting just as much as me. He expresses it differently and has the added stress of trying to be strong and supportive for me.
We were both thinking about what to do next, but we haven't made any decisions. Honestly, I don't know how to make the right decision. It seems pointless to do a sixth IUI. One of us has been hesitant about adoption and the other is feeling against IVF. I had a feeling we'd get to this spot, but I was just praying that this decision would be avoided.
I'm sorry to my friends and family that I may not be 100% right now. This infertile life has changed me. I'm just trying to go through the motions. I'm tired of crying and being sad. I know I'll be ok and I'll get through this and I'll get through the next heartbreak, but bitterness and pessimism have taken over my outlook.
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