#FAIL

Hours after my last post, we went to the doctor for the dreaded test. I was nervous about it, but ready for it. Well, they did an ultrasound to make sure I wasn't close to ovulated, but actually I was very, very close. We had one huge follicle. The drugs worked really quick this time. So the test was canceled, I took a trigger shot, and we scheduled an IUI for the next day!

I was very relieved not to do that test, but I had a few doubts. The reason we were doing the test was to make sure my tubes weren't blocked. Would it be worth our time and money to do the IUI if we didn't know for sure? And especially for only one follicle? Every time we've done and IUI before we had at least 3. I'm a numbers person and I liked those odds better. But I thought that God was really trying to tell me something and I really had a good feeling about this special follicle.

Luckily the IUI was scheduled late in the afternoon the next day, so I could go home and recover. This was by far the worst one yet. I was in a lot of pain for the next several hours, but all good by the next day.

Fast forward to this weekend...testing time. The doctor told us to test Friday, but we voted for Saturday. We didn't want bad news before going to work. We even debated on not testing. We both get so nervous and were afraid of the same results. We were both awake at 5:30 Saturday morning. The anticipation kept us both from sleeping. So at 6:00, we decided to go ahead and test.

I don't really remember all the details from there...at least I don't want to. I don't want to remember the sobs, yelling, and tears that flowed. I had several plans for that day, but instead I couldn't focus on much more than lying in bed with my tissue box. I'm now angry with myself for not being more productive, but the errands will get taken care of and the house will get cleaned eventually. I had to mourn the loss of another failed pregnancy. Another failed cycle. And failed faith that our prayers will ever be answered.

I had so many fights in my head. The faith I've been living by all my life versus the hurt and disappointment that we keep facing. Words like "unfair" and "why?" stay in our vocabulary.

I had to snap myself out of my funk. So by 6:00, I got out of pajamas and ate a small dinner and we got out of the house a bit. I know I can't feel sorry for myself too long and I still have a husband, puppy, and family that depend on me. I know Mike is hurting just as much as me. He expresses it differently and has the added stress of trying to be strong and supportive for me.

We were both thinking about what to do next, but we haven't made any decisions. Honestly, I don't know how to make the right decision. It seems pointless to do a sixth IUI. One of us has been hesitant about adoption and the other is feeling against IVF. I had a feeling we'd get to this spot, but I was just praying that this decision would be avoided.

I'm sorry to my friends and family that I may not be 100% right now. This infertile life has changed me. I'm just trying to go through the motions. I'm tired of crying and being sad. I know I'll be ok and I'll get through this and I'll get through the next heartbreak, but bitterness and pessimism have taken over my outlook.