Decision Time

We are now in a pretty weird place with our infertility. One that we feared would come up. And that's facing a tough decision. We've talked about them before, but we're soon going to have to make one. And it's one with no right answer or guarantee.

I called our doctor to chat about our recent failure and what's next. She talked for awhile about our past numbers and the science of it all and I asked her thoughts on IVF. She explained a little and said that the first step was having a discussion in her office. So we made an appointment for that.

After talking to her and thinking about it more throughout that day, I felt excited about it and ready for something new to try. But then the next day, I did more research on it and I got discouraged. First the odds of its success aren't as high as I thought and those odds start to go down after age 35. So then I'm thinking why attempt something with such a big price tag?

I stopped in one of my favorite places today. I went to Shane Co. to get our rings cleaned. Of course, I looked around while they were being cleaned and had the sales associate get out some diamond earrings to look at. They were so pretty! I'm not a big expensive jewelry person. I wanted a nice engagement ring and I'd like some nice earrings, but I'm good after that. Yes, the earrings were thousands of dollars, but they were cheaper than IVF. I even joked with Mike that the earrings were a guarantee. If I bought them, I would definitely get them. With IVF, we can't say for sure that we'd take a baby home in 9 months.

I'm currently reading Life of Pi by Yann Martel and here's an excerpt from it that relates to my feelings on this...

Some of us give up on life with only a resigned sigh. Others fight a little, then lose hope. Still others - and I am one of those - never give up. We fight and fight and fight. We fight no matter the cost of the battle, the losses we take, the improbability of success. We fight to the very end. It's not a question of courage. It's something constiutional, an inability to let go. it may be nothing more than life-hungry stupidity.

As long as I have this longing in my heart to have a baby and be a mom, I'm going to keep fighting. As much as the emotions and rejection knock me down, I'm never giving up.