A Fertility Seminar

On Monday, we went to a fertility seminar. One of my other friends heard about it, so we joined her and her husband. When we got there, we found out it was taught by our doctor. We passed her in the hallway and she was surprised to see us. She told us we already knew everything. But there was a nurse practitioner there that had some advice on coping with the emotional aspects of infertility, and our doctor thought that would be beneficial for us.

As expected our doctor did a great job presenting and I was impressed in how well she explain things in lay terms. Usually she talks so fast to us in these crazy medical terms, I have to make her repeat things or write it down for me. It's funny that when you're going through this stuff talking about things like sex, hot testicles, vaginal suppositories, etc in a public forum, it doesn't seem weird at all.

The NP also did a great job and encouraged the females to find strong support systems and talk about the stress of infertility. She stressed that aspect was much more difficult for the women. And it would often be helpful for us to talk to another woman going through it, more than even our male partners.

I definitely have a handful of ladies that have been on speed dial as I wait for pregnancy test results and know the date I'm testing. I'm very thankful for their support and I know that they really feel the pain I'm going through.

Mike is always so strong during our sad times. I'll ask him how he's feeling and if he's struggling. He always tells me that he feels obligated to be the strong one. I do feel bad about this, because I know I couldn't be the strong one. I feel guilty getting upset often, so sometimes I'll sneak to the bathroom or cry in the shower, so he doesn't have to see me hurting.

After the seminar, we chatted with a few people there. I talked to one chick that has been in the fertility battle for 3 years. She told me about a local support group and invited me to join. I'll definitely be doing that. Not only do I look forward to having women that share this pain, but I also want to share my story and my faith and how it's helping us survive.

We have so much going on in our heads right now. So much we want to say on the blog and so much we don't want to even say or think. We're both in a really weird place right now and just taking things one day at a time. Prayers are definitely needed and requested. Be patient with us as we decide how and when to share our feelings.

Patience

I found a verse that goes along perfectly with my journey right now...

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

2 Peter 3:9

I'm really struggling with patience and wanting a baby in my timing. We have been trying for 18 months now and it feels like such a long time. It has been stressful and disappointing. After reading this I understand that what I consider a long time may not be a long time for God. I should never assume that He isn't keeping His promise. I just have to exercise patience. He has been so patient from me over the years and He had every right to be frustrated with me, but I know He is overjoyed that I made a commitment to Him no matter when it was.

Mike and I have had some frustrating days lately. Our home improvement projects aren't quite going the way we wanted and then in the middle of it, our refrigerator and garage door opener decide to break and we had to get them replaced. So our bathroom remodeling is going to have to pause for the moment. So frustrating, but at least these are things we can get through.

I'm so blessed I have such a great partner to share life with. He amazes me every day, although there may be days I'd like to strangle him. But then I'd eventually stop because he's so stinking cute.

He went to an IU game yesterday and he told me about an older man he saw wondering around looking confused around the concession area. Mike sensed he knew the issue. So he went up to him and asked for his ticket and helped him back to his seat with his wife. This man had Alzheimer's. I know it upset Mike and it upsets me too. I hate to know what that man and his wife have to endure and I hate that anyone else has to go through it.

I know there's a way for us to get a baby whether we get our own or adopt. But there is no cure or no stopping Alzheimer's. Both of these issues are my life now and I'll pray for patience and God's timing in a happy ending.

Relating to a Celebrity

I had recently seen that Hugh Jackman and his wife are in the infertility world. And just a few minutes ago, I also read that his dad has Alzheimer's. Besides being a chick, having smaller muscles and being slightly less famous, he and I have tons in common. I got weirdly excited about this. I wanted to be able to call him up and talk to him and share our struggles together. I watched an interview and read a couple articles about him and I wanted to point out some meaningful quotes from him.

On his dad, http://www.parade.com/celebrity/celebrity-parade/2012/12/wishing-hugh-a-merry-christmas.html

My dad is fairly well into Alzheimer’s now. His short-term memory is pretty much gone. He still recognizes me and can talk about the past, and weirdly, he’s as happy as I’ve ever known him, which is wonderful.

On infertility, http://www.newsday.com/entertainment/celebrities/hugh-jackman-opens-up-about-infertility-struggle-1.4350126

http://www.katiecouric.com/features/hugh-jackman-on-fatherhood-and-fertility-challenges/

"Until you go through it," Jackman told Katie Couric on her syndicated talk show, "you realize [infertility is] not talked about a lot. And, by the way, to be clear, Deb and I always wanted to adopt, so that was always in our plan. We didn't know where in the process that would happen but biologically, obviously, we tried and it was not happening for us. And it is a difficult time."

I know that celebrities shouldn't be role models just because they are put in very public positons; however, I'm very inspired by Mr. Hugh Jackman. (Especially after seeing his great performance in Les Miserables over the weekend). Sometimes we see celebrities as having it all and being perfect, so it's nice to have one to relate to and know that we're going through the same life struggles.

I'm very happy that Hugh and his wife have been able to adopt two children and my prayers go out to his dad that he talks so fondly about.

New Year, New Drugs

Here we go again...back to our fertility specialist yesterday. I almost wanted to hug her because it had been a few months since I've seen her. I know she sees tons of patients all for the same thing, but regardless, she is a big part of our lives right now. She wants to try a different treatment this time. Last time we did the clomid/dexamethasone combination and it thinned my uterus lining too much, so we are trying 4 doses of letrozole daily. It's suppose to work better on the lining and per usual, I'll be wearing an estrogen patch to keep the lining thick.

I know this is a lot of technical talk for some of our readers and it shouldn't mean a lot to you, but I just feel weird right now. I knew how the drug combo of the past worked and I'm just worried that this drug won't work and we'll have to try something else. It seems like all we've been doing is experimenting with drugs and trying new things. I just want some consistency. But I guess we've got to mix things up because nothing has worked so far. Bottom line: I just want to be pregnant. I am willing to do whatever it takes, but it is definitely getting exhausting.

I realize I shouldn't complain. The pills my husband has been taking are extremely dreadful. I hate to even be in the room when he takes them because they smell so bad. I can't imagine what he goes through every morning and night having to down them. I could never doubt his desire for baby or his dedication for our fertility.

When we were at the doctor yesterday, there were several people in the waiting room. There was a couple ladies talking to a very attractive guy that Mike called Armani. From his designer suit and shoes, you could tell the cost of infertility weren't a big deal to him. When his wife comes from the doctor office, he's there to escort her out. We could hear the two ladies talking about him and how nice it was that he brings his wife to the doctor. I was actually shocked that he was in the waiting room. My husband is by my side throughout the entire appointment. He goes back with me to the exam room and then to the doctor's office to discuss our plan. This is a team effort and we're in this together. I don't need a ride to the doctor, I need a partner that wants this as much as I do. And I definitely have that.

I understand that work and other obligations may prevent husbands to make all the appointments and I'm by no means knocking that. However, if a husband is going to be there at the office, go back with your wife and be there with her. There has only been one appointment that Mike couldn't make with me. He was busy at work and it was in the middle of the day. I told him not to worry about it because I had to be there awhile. I had to go to the lab and get blood work done and then visit with the doctor. It was totally fine and I know I could do some of the visits on my own, but it's so wonderful to have a husband so dedicated to being there with me. There are times that the appointments don't go well and I walk out super bummed. If I didn't have Mike there, I'm sure I'd be a sobbing mess.

I hope I never take him for granted. I thank God for him every day. It's a new year and although I feel a little anxious, I'm trying my best to remain hopeful for new beginnings. Next week will mark 3 years since our official first date. My life quickly changed after January 10, 2010 and it's been an amazing journey. I know God has big plans for our future and I can't wait to see what they are...

A Christmas for Two

Well, Christmas is almost here. Our shopping has been done for some time. Our cards sent out. And we've had a few parties and ready for some time off work.

I think back to last year and how we were timing ovulation and we're just waiting to get a positive pregnancy test. We thought it could come so quickly. It's now a year later and our optimism is diminishing. I thought we would have a baby by now, so I just hope and pray that we'll have one next year. It's easy for me to get sad about it. I love being married and I truly think God couldn't have found a more perfect husband for me. I know we'll have our ups and downs, but overall I know we will be happily married forever. However, I just don't want it to be the two of us. In 40 years, who will we spend our Christmases with? Our parents will no longer be around and our other family will have their families to be with. Will it just be the two of us? That thought sounds depressing to me.

One of my favorite Christmas commercials is from Folgers. Mike makes fun of me about it, because it always seems to make me tear up. It's where the older couple wake up to coffee brewing and they go downstairs to see their son Jimmy home for the holidays. The actors are so great in it and you want to think that happens so much in homes at Christmas. I want to experience our kids traveling home from their fabulous lives to see us.

I've been doing a women's bible study on Wednesday nights and this week our chapter was about Hannah and her desire for a child. She has been my Biblical heroine for awhile now. She also couldn't get pregnant and it was something she really struggled with. However, she kept her faith and God blessed her with Samuel and then 5 more children. I know I need to model my prayer life after Hannah.

For Hannah's story: 1 Samuel 1-2.

We hope all our blog followers have a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Here's our Christmas card. Because of the crazy costs of printing and postage, we weren't able to send them to all our loved ones.

Perspective

There are endless stories out there about the tragedy that took place in Connecticut last Friday. It has been on my mind a lot since I first heard about it. I'm not going to write about what I think caused this, gun control, or what can be done to fix it. That has been covered over and over again by just about everyone else.

As a Christian, I feel compelled to do one thing, pray for them. That's really all I can do because I can't imagine there are any words that make those parents feel better. There is nothing to ease their pain or bring their child back. I know that the only person that can give these families any sort of hope is Jesus, and I pray that they all know him or will get to know him through this tragedy. It is easy to only think about the kids, but adult lives were lost as well. We seem to accept adult death easier than we do the death of a child, and to a certain degree I understand that. Most adults still got to experience a lot, they were given the chance to reach their potential, and even though their life was cut short, they still lived a lot. When a 6 year old child is taken it feels like they were cheated, and they were. The families of the teachers, counselors, and principal are hurting just as badly. They can take pride that they died most likely saving the lives of dozens of other children, but that doesn't do enough to take away the pain. Just like everyone else, Veronica and I are in prayer for the victims and their families.

This does tie into the blog, and that goes back to the pain and suffering. It has been a tough year for us in some respects. 2012 is a year we'll look back on with a lot of great memories but also some heartache throughout the year as well. I first went in to get tested the second week of January this year, so we are almost a full year into this process now and that doesn't include the several months we tried before getting tested. It doesn't feel like things are much better than they were last January. We have made some progress but we took some hits along the way as well. It's easy to look at the future with fear and worry. Will 2013 be any better? We choose to believe it will because we have the hope of Jesus, there is still the hope of a child. A week from today we will celebrate the miraculous birth of the most important person to ever walk the Earth, our Savior. If we ever are reminded of the hope we have in Jesus, what God is capable of doing for us, and how much he loves us; this time of year serves as a reminder.

Our pain is nothing compared to what those families in Connecticut must be feeling right now. Next week all around the country entire families will gather together while those families will have a noticeable empty spot at the table or around the tree. I hope they are reminded of the hope they have in Jesus, I know for us we are reminded even more of how much pain there is in this world and how thankful we are to have hope.

Psalm 39:7: "And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you."

James 1:12

Sometimes it's hard to think of things to write about on here, especially when were in the holding period we are in right now. Our last doctor appointment was on Halloween, so about 6 weeks ago. That part has been nice, no waiting rooms and co-pays is definitely something I can deal with.  We've been taking our pills, trying to exercise and eat better, and most importantly doing a lot of praying.

Sometimes this blog serves as therapy for us, sometimes it serves as information for the readers, and lately I have found it as almost a form of my own devotional time. Some of my best conversations with God come from talking to him about our infertility. There is a real issue in our lives that we have absolutely no control over and that is a first; the only person we can rely on is God. While I wish there was another way he could grab our attention, I have no doubt he is using this experience to teach us.

This weekend we finally put our Christmas tree up in the front living room of our house. It is a smaller room and we don't use it very often. Normally it's where she goes to watch her reality shows while I am watching the Yankees or the Hoosiers. The other night we just sat in that room for a while and talked about a lot of different things.

As we usually do, we got on the subject of infertility and something came to my head that I told her. I told her that sometimes I think about the day we actually do have a baby, how amazing that day will be. The amount of happiness and relief will be indescribable. We have never wanted or worked for something so badly in our lives.

My point was our kid is going to be spoiled rotten. This journey is going to make being a parent so special, and maybe that is part of God's plan. I'm certainly not saying that any parents that don't go through infertility will not appreciate their kids as much, or that we wouldn't have had we not gone through this. I just know that we will feel so much more blessed when it happens because of all the work and prayer that went into it. I can't wait, I honestly cannot put into words how badly I want a baby for us. This desire is concrete in our hearts and has not wavered at all since the first day we started trying. We are fully confident that God would not put this desire in our hearts if he did not want us to be parents.

We are not doing Christmas gifts this year, the house was our gift to each other. But really, I don't really have a lot of wants anymore. Maybe that is because there is just one thing that I want so badly, nothing else will bring as much joy. We are waiting patiently for this to happen, and as I have said many times, it is hard sometimes and we have gotten upset and frustrated. But Veronica found a verse that may best sum up what I have tried to say through my rambling on here and what led to a great converstation with God.

James 1:12 "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love me."

It brings me great joy to know that this experience will not only make being a parent so special, but we are also building our reward in Heaven. I really hope we have a baby this year coming up, if so, 2013 will be the best year ever and nothing will be able to top it.