Well, we couldn't avoid it any longer. It was time for the tube test. We both knew it had to be done before we were going to move forward. I was definitely a little nervous. I didn't think Mike was until he followed me into the bathroom without thinking at the doctor's office.
The test was definitely painful and I was embarrassed that I had to scream out a bit. We were both very worried that we would find that the tubes were closed and we'd have to make a decision. If they are closed, it could mean that surgery is needed or we just skip on to IVF. But then sometimes the tubes can spasm during the test and close up, giving a false positive. So do we still go with those options or do IUI in case they are really normally open? Well, we don't have to worry about it, because both tubes showed to be open! We were both very relieved to see this. I know it might not seem like that big of a deal, but for a couple that only gets bad news, this is HUGE for us.
Mike took me home after the test to recover. The doctor gave me a pain killer to take, but I had to wait an hour to make sure I didn't get sick. It left me pretty wiped for the day, so I decided to just work from home. I had no meetings that day and I just wanted to be in my jammies.
One of my favorite things to do on a weekday when I'm home is to watch The Price is Right. If there's ever a chance, I'm off work, I try to plan my day around the 11:00 hour. Well, guess what? Ironically, on this day they were doing a special for pregnant women on the show! Are you freaking kidding me?! The audience was all preggos! I was very annoyed. I immediately sent a text to the husband, who made me laugh by saying, "You would think a show that is always trying to prevent pet pregnancies wouldn't openly promote them amongst humans!" Oh, well, such is my luck.
Life is just ironic sometimes...like I went to a baby shower on Sunday. It was for a very good friend that is pregnant with a miracle baby. I couldn't be happier for her and her husband. It's been awhile since I've had to go to a baby shower and I got through it great. However, after I got home my period started. I think just to remind me that I shouldn't get excited about baby stuff yet.
I just have to keep remember that God has a plan for us. It's hard to accept, that we have to continue waiting like Mike talked about in his last post. But we're trying to exercise patience and complete surrender to God.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Hope
I can't lie, infertility is rough and for the most part, the way I have reacted to it and handled it has made things even rougher. It is one of those things that you cannot be prepared for, nothing in life leading up to it can make it easier or have you better prepped to deal with it. You have to decide on your own how to react and adapt to it. The first decision we made was that we wanted to glorify God through this struggle, and that is one of the best decisions we have ever made. However, our initial goal was to show others struggling with infertility how much easier it is when you go through it with God, yet I read back on this blog and realize that I have stuggled through this process and have doubted God. I've lost faith and I have begun to hate the hope that is still in my heart.
Hope has been a buzzword for me, I can't decide how I feel about it. Every time we go to the doctor and get some good news or we do an IUI, my hope spikes for a few days or a few weeks, only to be dashed by another negative pregnancy test. I was really starting to hate hope so much that I tried to stifle it when I would feel it coming on. After I was able to resist my own hope, I began to hate my wife's hope. Doubts overwhelmed me along with frustration and exhaustion. I just didn't want to do this anymore. My heart grew cold towards everything about our infertility, I was fine with just stopping everything. My wife wasn't anywhere near that point and I could not figure out why she didn't see things the way I did. Why was I so sure about something while she was so far on the opposite end? Being a big movie fan, I am going to utilize one of my favorites in order to make my point:
I was siding with Red (Morgan Freeman for the 3 people left who haven't seen this movie). I found hope to be dangerous, misleading, disappointing, and depressing. All hope was doing was setting me up for failure, making me want something (that I thought) I could never have. I was choosing failure over hope, I was ready to setttle for a life of just the two of us because hope was wearing me down so much.
I've been a Christian my whole life, so I knew this wasn't right. But I also knew that so far, right wasn't working. I was presenting such a shallow and empty faith, two years of a struggle and I'm ready to abandon all hope, destroy my desires, and settle for less than I believe God has planned for me. The reason I have been so absent from this blog lately is because I did not want to reflect that to other people. I can't help how I am reacting to all of this, but I can control who sees it in hopes that no one else does. I could go on and on about this stage of my "hope-hating" for several more paragraphs but I am assuming you get the idea. It wasn't fun and it wasn't good for our marriage. Then we came to church last week and the sermon series was each preacher teaching on their "Life Verse". This week was Phillip Holland teaching, I posted the entire sermon below and it is definitely worth a watch; but I think you will see just how much we felt like we were being spoken to by the opening video in the message:
Life Verse - Psalm 27:14 - Philip Holland from Northeast Christian Church on Vimeo.
Hold on, I am supposed to be patient and wait?!?! Of course I already knew that, I just have never liked it. I hate waiting for things, I am all about instant gratification. I am always settling for something less now instead of waiting for something better later. If I really want the 160 GB iPod but only have enough money for the 80 GB iPod, then there is no chance I am waiting 2 extra weeks to have enough money for the one I want, I am settling for the 80 GB. I hate that about myself, I don't think it makes me a bad person, but I would love to have more patience. It really hit me when Phillip talked about settling, because I had never really thought about it but I settle all of the time.
Settling destroys my hope, hope requires patience. There would be no hope if we got everything we wanted immediately. Hope is not what gets you what you want, it is what keeps you going until you get what you want. I used to think I was wrong for thinking about having a baby, that would just get my hopes up. But then I realized why my attitude had shifted so drastically over the past few months and was now polar opposite of how Veronica felt. I had abandoned hope. And that is how a person without hope lives, they become cold and negative. They become pessimistic, doubtful, and their life gets mundane. I can relate because I was there, but I am happy to say my hope has been renewed and I think for the first time I am getting hope right. I am not going to let bad doctor appointments or failed pregnancy tests ruin my hope. They will still be very awful, and I am pretty sure we will still have more of them. But I will continue to hope for what I want. The only person who should take away your hope is God, and he is the one who provides us with hope, and I still want to be hopeful. I always have been, I chose on my own to bury my hope so I could avoid the anguish of the letdown. A negative pregnancy test is a lot easier to handle when you are expecting it all along. But I don't want a negative pregnancy test to be easy, I want it to crush me. Then, I will be that much more hopeful for the next one.
As I think about my life verse I can't help but think about hope, and my life is full of hope right now. I hope my grandpa gets positive results back tomorrow from his operation last week for skin cancer. I hope my mother in law and father in law can adapt as best as possible to dealing with my father in law living in the advanced stages of alzheimers. I hope the void Veronica and I feel is fulfilled soon. Hope is a great thing because all of these things seem possible. I went through a lot of verses that I love, but if I had to settle on a life verse at least for right now, it would be Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble and keep on praying."
In closing, I have to play another Shawshank clip to show how Red realizes he was wrong about hope. They found their hope in that movie, and I cannot wait to find mine!
Hope has been a buzzword for me, I can't decide how I feel about it. Every time we go to the doctor and get some good news or we do an IUI, my hope spikes for a few days or a few weeks, only to be dashed by another negative pregnancy test. I was really starting to hate hope so much that I tried to stifle it when I would feel it coming on. After I was able to resist my own hope, I began to hate my wife's hope. Doubts overwhelmed me along with frustration and exhaustion. I just didn't want to do this anymore. My heart grew cold towards everything about our infertility, I was fine with just stopping everything. My wife wasn't anywhere near that point and I could not figure out why she didn't see things the way I did. Why was I so sure about something while she was so far on the opposite end? Being a big movie fan, I am going to utilize one of my favorites in order to make my point:
I've been a Christian my whole life, so I knew this wasn't right. But I also knew that so far, right wasn't working. I was presenting such a shallow and empty faith, two years of a struggle and I'm ready to abandon all hope, destroy my desires, and settle for less than I believe God has planned for me. The reason I have been so absent from this blog lately is because I did not want to reflect that to other people. I can't help how I am reacting to all of this, but I can control who sees it in hopes that no one else does. I could go on and on about this stage of my "hope-hating" for several more paragraphs but I am assuming you get the idea. It wasn't fun and it wasn't good for our marriage. Then we came to church last week and the sermon series was each preacher teaching on their "Life Verse". This week was Phillip Holland teaching, I posted the entire sermon below and it is definitely worth a watch; but I think you will see just how much we felt like we were being spoken to by the opening video in the message:
Life Verse - Psalm 27:14 - Philip Holland from Northeast Christian Church on Vimeo.
Hold on, I am supposed to be patient and wait?!?! Of course I already knew that, I just have never liked it. I hate waiting for things, I am all about instant gratification. I am always settling for something less now instead of waiting for something better later. If I really want the 160 GB iPod but only have enough money for the 80 GB iPod, then there is no chance I am waiting 2 extra weeks to have enough money for the one I want, I am settling for the 80 GB. I hate that about myself, I don't think it makes me a bad person, but I would love to have more patience. It really hit me when Phillip talked about settling, because I had never really thought about it but I settle all of the time.
Settling destroys my hope, hope requires patience. There would be no hope if we got everything we wanted immediately. Hope is not what gets you what you want, it is what keeps you going until you get what you want. I used to think I was wrong for thinking about having a baby, that would just get my hopes up. But then I realized why my attitude had shifted so drastically over the past few months and was now polar opposite of how Veronica felt. I had abandoned hope. And that is how a person without hope lives, they become cold and negative. They become pessimistic, doubtful, and their life gets mundane. I can relate because I was there, but I am happy to say my hope has been renewed and I think for the first time I am getting hope right. I am not going to let bad doctor appointments or failed pregnancy tests ruin my hope. They will still be very awful, and I am pretty sure we will still have more of them. But I will continue to hope for what I want. The only person who should take away your hope is God, and he is the one who provides us with hope, and I still want to be hopeful. I always have been, I chose on my own to bury my hope so I could avoid the anguish of the letdown. A negative pregnancy test is a lot easier to handle when you are expecting it all along. But I don't want a negative pregnancy test to be easy, I want it to crush me. Then, I will be that much more hopeful for the next one.
As I think about my life verse I can't help but think about hope, and my life is full of hope right now. I hope my grandpa gets positive results back tomorrow from his operation last week for skin cancer. I hope my mother in law and father in law can adapt as best as possible to dealing with my father in law living in the advanced stages of alzheimers. I hope the void Veronica and I feel is fulfilled soon. Hope is a great thing because all of these things seem possible. I went through a lot of verses that I love, but if I had to settle on a life verse at least for right now, it would be Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble and keep on praying."
In closing, I have to play another Shawshank clip to show how Red realizes he was wrong about hope. They found their hope in that movie, and I cannot wait to find mine!
Friday, June 21, 2013
Decision Time
We are now in a pretty weird place with our infertility. One that we feared would come up. And that's facing a tough decision. We've talked about them before, but we're soon going to have to make one. And it's one with no right answer or guarantee.
I called our doctor to chat about our recent failure and what's next. She talked for awhile about our past numbers and the science of it all and I asked her thoughts on IVF. She explained a little and said that the first step was having a discussion in her office. So we made an appointment for that.
After talking to her and thinking about it more throughout that day, I felt excited about it and ready for something new to try. But then the next day, I did more research on it and I got discouraged. First the odds of its success aren't as high as I thought and those odds start to go down after age 35. So then I'm thinking why attempt something with such a big price tag?
I stopped in one of my favorite places today. I went to Shane Co. to get our rings cleaned. Of course, I looked around while they were being cleaned and had the sales associate get out some diamond earrings to look at. They were so pretty! I'm not a big expensive jewelry person. I wanted a nice engagement ring and I'd like some nice earrings, but I'm good after that. Yes, the earrings were thousands of dollars, but they were cheaper than IVF. I even joked with Mike that the earrings were a guarantee. If I bought them, I would definitely get them. With IVF, we can't say for sure that we'd take a baby home in 9 months.
I'm currently reading Life of Pi by Yann Martel and here's an excerpt from it that relates to my feelings on this...
Some of us give up on life with only a resigned sigh. Others fight a little, then lose hope. Still others - and I am one of those - never give up. We fight and fight and fight. We fight no matter the cost of the battle, the losses we take, the improbability of success. We fight to the very end. It's not a question of courage. It's something constiutional, an inability to let go. it may be nothing more than life-hungry stupidity.
As long as I have this longing in my heart to have a baby and be a mom, I'm going to keep fighting. As much as the emotions and rejection knock me down, I'm never giving up.
I called our doctor to chat about our recent failure and what's next. She talked for awhile about our past numbers and the science of it all and I asked her thoughts on IVF. She explained a little and said that the first step was having a discussion in her office. So we made an appointment for that.
After talking to her and thinking about it more throughout that day, I felt excited about it and ready for something new to try. But then the next day, I did more research on it and I got discouraged. First the odds of its success aren't as high as I thought and those odds start to go down after age 35. So then I'm thinking why attempt something with such a big price tag?
I stopped in one of my favorite places today. I went to Shane Co. to get our rings cleaned. Of course, I looked around while they were being cleaned and had the sales associate get out some diamond earrings to look at. They were so pretty! I'm not a big expensive jewelry person. I wanted a nice engagement ring and I'd like some nice earrings, but I'm good after that. Yes, the earrings were thousands of dollars, but they were cheaper than IVF. I even joked with Mike that the earrings were a guarantee. If I bought them, I would definitely get them. With IVF, we can't say for sure that we'd take a baby home in 9 months.
I'm currently reading Life of Pi by Yann Martel and here's an excerpt from it that relates to my feelings on this...
Some of us give up on life with only a resigned sigh. Others fight a little, then lose hope. Still others - and I am one of those - never give up. We fight and fight and fight. We fight no matter the cost of the battle, the losses we take, the improbability of success. We fight to the very end. It's not a question of courage. It's something constiutional, an inability to let go. it may be nothing more than life-hungry stupidity.
As long as I have this longing in my heart to have a baby and be a mom, I'm going to keep fighting. As much as the emotions and rejection knock me down, I'm never giving up.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Crushed Spirit
I really think my blog post last week was too negative and missing an important element. Our faith. Without a doubt, our faith has been challenged and I need to stay positive and know that my God is with me. I keep thinking about Job and all that he went through and his faith never waivered. I really need the strength of Job right now.
A couple weeks ago, we stayed in Mt. Sterling with my parents on a Friday night to get up the next day and drive on to Ashland, KY for my cousin's high school graduation party. Since Jeter had a 'sleep over' with his friend Bruno, we were puppy free and I was excited at getting to sleep in. Unfortunately that didn't happen. At 7:30, I woke up to hearing my dad screaming. I jumped up and ran to check on him. I saw his body going crazy and I screamed to Mike that he was having a seizure. I went to his side and he quickly stopped and I was able to calm him down. It really scared me.
I knew this was a side effect of late term Alzheimer's, but I'm tired of the new obstacle and I know it really upset my mom. He had another one a few days after that, so now we're going through testing about it. I'm not sure what the tests can tell us or what can be done to help. My main concern is that whatever we encounter we find the solution that makes things as easy as possible for my mom.
For some reason, this latest challenge has really made me wonder how much time is really left with my dad. I'm mentally prepared for it, but I just want so many more great moments together. I really feel the urgency even more to give him a grandchild. That thought made my tears flow so much last week and what continues to break my heart. I so want him to meet his grandchild. I want to see his face light up when he gets to hold our baby.
I don't know what plan God has for us. I am so anxious to know what it is. Instead of feeling an end to our infertility journey, I feel like we are walking backwards.
My mother-in-law passed on this verse and it really gives me comfort right now:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18
A couple weeks ago, we stayed in Mt. Sterling with my parents on a Friday night to get up the next day and drive on to Ashland, KY for my cousin's high school graduation party. Since Jeter had a 'sleep over' with his friend Bruno, we were puppy free and I was excited at getting to sleep in. Unfortunately that didn't happen. At 7:30, I woke up to hearing my dad screaming. I jumped up and ran to check on him. I saw his body going crazy and I screamed to Mike that he was having a seizure. I went to his side and he quickly stopped and I was able to calm him down. It really scared me.
I knew this was a side effect of late term Alzheimer's, but I'm tired of the new obstacle and I know it really upset my mom. He had another one a few days after that, so now we're going through testing about it. I'm not sure what the tests can tell us or what can be done to help. My main concern is that whatever we encounter we find the solution that makes things as easy as possible for my mom.
For some reason, this latest challenge has really made me wonder how much time is really left with my dad. I'm mentally prepared for it, but I just want so many more great moments together. I really feel the urgency even more to give him a grandchild. That thought made my tears flow so much last week and what continues to break my heart. I so want him to meet his grandchild. I want to see his face light up when he gets to hold our baby.
I don't know what plan God has for us. I am so anxious to know what it is. Instead of feeling an end to our infertility journey, I feel like we are walking backwards.
My mother-in-law passed on this verse and it really gives me comfort right now:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18
Monday, June 10, 2013
#FAIL
Hours after my last post, we went to the doctor for the dreaded test. I was nervous about it, but ready for it. Well, they did an ultrasound to make sure I wasn't close to ovulated, but actually I was very, very close. We had one huge follicle. The drugs worked really quick this time. So the test was canceled, I took a trigger shot, and we scheduled an IUI for the next day!
I was very relieved not to do that test, but I had a few doubts. The reason we were doing the test was to make sure my tubes weren't blocked. Would it be worth our time and money to do the IUI if we didn't know for sure? And especially for only one follicle? Every time we've done and IUI before we had at least 3. I'm a numbers person and I liked those odds better. But I thought that God was really trying to tell me something and I really had a good feeling about this special follicle.
Luckily the IUI was scheduled late in the afternoon the next day, so I could go home and recover. This was by far the worst one yet. I was in a lot of pain for the next several hours, but all good by the next day.
Fast forward to this weekend...testing time. The doctor told us to test Friday, but we voted for Saturday. We didn't want bad news before going to work. We even debated on not testing. We both get so nervous and were afraid of the same results. We were both awake at 5:30 Saturday morning. The anticipation kept us both from sleeping. So at 6:00, we decided to go ahead and test.
I don't really remember all the details from there...at least I don't want to. I don't want to remember the sobs, yelling, and tears that flowed. I had several plans for that day, but instead I couldn't focus on much more than lying in bed with my tissue box. I'm now angry with myself for not being more productive, but the errands will get taken care of and the house will get cleaned eventually. I had to mourn the loss of another failed pregnancy. Another failed cycle. And failed faith that our prayers will ever be answered.
I had so many fights in my head. The faith I've been living by all my life versus the hurt and disappointment that we keep facing. Words like "unfair" and "why?" stay in our vocabulary.
I had to snap myself out of my funk. So by 6:00, I got out of pajamas and ate a small dinner and we got out of the house a bit. I know I can't feel sorry for myself too long and I still have a husband, puppy, and family that depend on me. I know Mike is hurting just as much as me. He expresses it differently and has the added stress of trying to be strong and supportive for me.
We were both thinking about what to do next, but we haven't made any decisions. Honestly, I don't know how to make the right decision. It seems pointless to do a sixth IUI. One of us has been hesitant about adoption and the other is feeling against IVF. I had a feeling we'd get to this spot, but I was just praying that this decision would be avoided.
I'm sorry to my friends and family that I may not be 100% right now. This infertile life has changed me. I'm just trying to go through the motions. I'm tired of crying and being sad. I know I'll be ok and I'll get through this and I'll get through the next heartbreak, but bitterness and pessimism have taken over my outlook.
I was very relieved not to do that test, but I had a few doubts. The reason we were doing the test was to make sure my tubes weren't blocked. Would it be worth our time and money to do the IUI if we didn't know for sure? And especially for only one follicle? Every time we've done and IUI before we had at least 3. I'm a numbers person and I liked those odds better. But I thought that God was really trying to tell me something and I really had a good feeling about this special follicle.
Luckily the IUI was scheduled late in the afternoon the next day, so I could go home and recover. This was by far the worst one yet. I was in a lot of pain for the next several hours, but all good by the next day.
Fast forward to this weekend...testing time. The doctor told us to test Friday, but we voted for Saturday. We didn't want bad news before going to work. We even debated on not testing. We both get so nervous and were afraid of the same results. We were both awake at 5:30 Saturday morning. The anticipation kept us both from sleeping. So at 6:00, we decided to go ahead and test.
I don't really remember all the details from there...at least I don't want to. I don't want to remember the sobs, yelling, and tears that flowed. I had several plans for that day, but instead I couldn't focus on much more than lying in bed with my tissue box. I'm now angry with myself for not being more productive, but the errands will get taken care of and the house will get cleaned eventually. I had to mourn the loss of another failed pregnancy. Another failed cycle. And failed faith that our prayers will ever be answered.
I had so many fights in my head. The faith I've been living by all my life versus the hurt and disappointment that we keep facing. Words like "unfair" and "why?" stay in our vocabulary.
I had to snap myself out of my funk. So by 6:00, I got out of pajamas and ate a small dinner and we got out of the house a bit. I know I can't feel sorry for myself too long and I still have a husband, puppy, and family that depend on me. I know Mike is hurting just as much as me. He expresses it differently and has the added stress of trying to be strong and supportive for me.
We were both thinking about what to do next, but we haven't made any decisions. Honestly, I don't know how to make the right decision. It seems pointless to do a sixth IUI. One of us has been hesitant about adoption and the other is feeling against IVF. I had a feeling we'd get to this spot, but I was just praying that this decision would be avoided.
I'm sorry to my friends and family that I may not be 100% right now. This infertile life has changed me. I'm just trying to go through the motions. I'm tired of crying and being sad. I know I'll be ok and I'll get through this and I'll get through the next heartbreak, but bitterness and pessimism have taken over my outlook.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Quick update
We really have lots to blog about, but I think we're both afraid to put it down into words. Today we have a doctor appointment and she is checking my fallopian tubes for blockage. I haven't heard good things about the test, so I'm a little nervous about the pain in that. Honestly though, I'm mostly afraid of the results. I just don't want any more bad news. I have walked out of that office with physical pain, but that goes away. I don't want to walk away anymore in emotional pain. That's been tougher to cure.
I've got lots of work to do today in the office. On top of the craziness, we are planning our own Alzheimer's fundraiser. The past few years, we've just been asking for donations for our Walk, but this year, we want more money for a cure. My husband plays softball and usually every year there's an all-day tournament and it's sponsored by a charity. He hasn't heard of one this year, so he came up with the idea of us doing it for our fundraiser. It's June 29, so we have lots of work to do. We've gotten lucky on a church that donated their field for a day and an umpire helping us out. I've made some progress on getting some raffle prizes, so now we're working on sponsors and food donations.
This has been exciting to do. I love event planning...it's not as exciting as a wedding, but it is fun and keeps my mind busy and focused on a good cause.
Just wanted to reach out to our blog followers quickly...now back to work.
Have a good day!
I've got lots of work to do today in the office. On top of the craziness, we are planning our own Alzheimer's fundraiser. The past few years, we've just been asking for donations for our Walk, but this year, we want more money for a cure. My husband plays softball and usually every year there's an all-day tournament and it's sponsored by a charity. He hasn't heard of one this year, so he came up with the idea of us doing it for our fundraiser. It's June 29, so we have lots of work to do. We've gotten lucky on a church that donated their field for a day and an umpire helping us out. I've made some progress on getting some raffle prizes, so now we're working on sponsors and food donations.
This has been exciting to do. I love event planning...it's not as exciting as a wedding, but it is fun and keeps my mind busy and focused on a good cause.
Just wanted to reach out to our blog followers quickly...now back to work.
Have a good day!
Monday, May 6, 2013
Post-Derby
So many times, I've come to the blog to write a new post and I just stare at the screen and have no clue what to write. Today isn't much different. I no longer know what to say. I feel like the tears are drying up, but the sadness isn't gone. I don't get emotional as often as I have. I guess that's a good thing. I know there are so many things to be thankful for and so much that others are dealing with that are so much greater than our infertility.
I know what's coming up this weekend, but I hope I don't let my heart fully know what's going on. Both my husband and I are thankful for our moms and we plan to celebrate them and all they've done for us.
I had a pretty good derby week. It seemed to fly by and I didn't get a chance to do everything I had wanted. I missed the chow wagon, but I did get to the track, got to wear my new fascinator, place some bets, eat a few pieces of derby pie, and attend a couple super fun parties.
I like having the freedom to go to parties and do fun things, but honestly I've had that time in my life for so many years. I do love the parties, but I'm ready to be stuck at home for a new baby. I always felt bad for my friends that had to leave early because they had to put a baby to bed, but now I'm jealous of them.
I can't express how much Jeter has changed our lives though. He really has been a special addition to our family. I don't know if I'm pouring more love into him because I have so much to give for a baby, but he is definitely our baby right now. I am so obsessed with that 4-legged animal. I'm now planning our social life around him. I don't like being away from him very long and we always try to plan things where he's included.
More than anything I'm trying to trust God and just keep my heart filled with thankfulness to Him that it can't hold anything else. I'm truly very blessed. I have a wonderful husband, amazing parents, fabulous friends, a great job, an awesome church, and I live in a pretty cool city. God has been taking care of me and I'll continue to let Him do great things in my life.
I know what's coming up this weekend, but I hope I don't let my heart fully know what's going on. Both my husband and I are thankful for our moms and we plan to celebrate them and all they've done for us.
I had a pretty good derby week. It seemed to fly by and I didn't get a chance to do everything I had wanted. I missed the chow wagon, but I did get to the track, got to wear my new fascinator, place some bets, eat a few pieces of derby pie, and attend a couple super fun parties.
I like having the freedom to go to parties and do fun things, but honestly I've had that time in my life for so many years. I do love the parties, but I'm ready to be stuck at home for a new baby. I always felt bad for my friends that had to leave early because they had to put a baby to bed, but now I'm jealous of them.
I can't express how much Jeter has changed our lives though. He really has been a special addition to our family. I don't know if I'm pouring more love into him because I have so much to give for a baby, but he is definitely our baby right now. I am so obsessed with that 4-legged animal. I'm now planning our social life around him. I don't like being away from him very long and we always try to plan things where he's included.
More than anything I'm trying to trust God and just keep my heart filled with thankfulness to Him that it can't hold anything else. I'm truly very blessed. I have a wonderful husband, amazing parents, fabulous friends, a great job, an awesome church, and I live in a pretty cool city. God has been taking care of me and I'll continue to let Him do great things in my life.
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