Taking A Break (Sort of)

As you can tell from the tone of the past few posts, things haven't been great lately. We are back to a wall again in this struggle. We thought we had made some progress but it almost seems like it was just a tease. It actually feels like we are moving backwards at this point.

To be honest I haven't felt like writing on this blog much anymore. It's just not therapeutic for me like it used to be. I don't feel like talking to God about this anymore. I'm tired of not getting an answer back. I'm tired of not feeling comforted by him or confident that he will give us a solution. We have begged God to give us something. If we aren't meant to have kids then take the desire away. If we are, just not yet, then tell us. If you want us to go this route of procedures, doctor appointments, drugs, tests, schedules, stress, and serious financial burden; then at least try to make things easier around us. I know I have listened for God to talk to me, I just don't hear anything.

There was another "not great" appointment today, one that I couldn't be at and I am overridden with guilt about that right now. It sounds like even our doctor is losing hope.

We made two decisions that hopefully will help us through this time: first, we got a puppy. This is Jeter.



He doesn't replace our desire for a baby or even lessen it at all, but we just really wanted a puppy and he does at least give us a distraction from this crappy infetility junk. It seems like we don't ever get to have a normal evening or a normal conversation because right now everything just leads back to infertility; and inevitably we either end up debating some serious decisions or just crying.

That leads me to our next decision. We are taking a month off from this. We'll keep taking our drugs and going to the doctor, the only thing we really aren't going to do is any procedure intended to get Veronica pregnant.

Instead we are going to do a devotional we found for infertile couples. I say I don't hear God, but maybe we just aren't listening the right way. We really hope he will use this month to speak to us.

This months should bring some happiness as well. There is a family birthday this month (mine), we both always enjoy March Madness (especially when the Hoosiers are looking at a 1 seed, well that's just me), and now we have a puppy to play with as it gets warm outside.

Please pray for my wife, she is so strong yet so passionate. It kills me to see her want this so badly and get told no every single month. I feel helpless, I want a baby too, but I want it more for her.

Thank you all for your prayers and support.

Job 33:14- "For God speaks again and again, though people do not recognize it."

A Down Right Awful Day

I can't begin to describe what a terribly, yucky day yesterday was for us. So much that it's awfulness is creeping into today and it threatens to ruin our weekend.

It started with getting a text from Mike saying that he was in a car wreck with work. He was in one of the vans from work and he wasn't hurt, but still it made a not-so-fun morning for him...especially in the cold, nasty weather.

Secondly, I got a call from my ob/gyn telling me that again my pap smear came back negative. I had done a coloscopy a little over a year ago and she's been monitoring my cervix in 6 month visits. If everything came back ok this time, then she said we could go back to yearly check-ups and assume all is good. Well, all is not good, but because of my body undergoing all of this infertility fun, she didn't want to do anything now and just wait and check again in 6 months. In my head, I wonder if something bigger is going on in my body preventing me from getting pregnant.

Next I get an email finding out that one of my former co-workers has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. The outlet looks good, but I hate that she's in pain and is going through this.

And the final big doozy of the day, I got home from the gym and knew I need to take a pregnancy test. We did our 4th IUI two weeks ago. All the numbers looked good again. Leading into ovulation I had four large follicles and our doctor was a bit concerned it was too many. After taking an injection, one of the follicles dropped down, so she felt relief that we only were working with 3. I just like the fact that our odds were better. I told her I wasn't worried about triplets, I just wanted to see one work.

I was suppose to take a pregnancy test in the morning, but just didn't want the news. I knew that I wasn't pregnant. I took the test in our bathroom and went downstairs before I could see the results. I waited for Mike to come home and he confirmed that the news was bad and didn't even let me see it. I completely lost it...again. I can't even describe the despair I feel. I wish God would just take this desire out of my heart, because I can't take this pain anymore. We decided to sit down and talk for a bit and try to figure things out between tears. There's just so much uncertainty.

We considered taking a break. Our bodies are so drugged up right now and it's really been difficult living from one drug to the next and waiting for ovulation and then waiting for the bad results. Plus the cost is adding up. We still haven't finished paying for our 3rd IUI and we're about to get the bill for the 4th one. I also got a letter yesterday that the cost of one of my drugs is going up...and it's the one that costs the most! I really don't see taking a break as an option for me though. In 2 months, I'll be turning 36 and my clock is really ticking. Plus I know that my dad's memory is running out too.

So what do we do? Seriously, if you are reading this, tell me what we should do?!! I have no clue. We need answers. I really feel like I'm not going to get pregnant any time soon. Even if we jump back in and do a 5th IUI, I just don't think it will work. So we mentioned going for IVF, the success rate is much higher. Logically that makes sense, but again, I just don't think God is planning on me getting pregnant soon, so why go through that and go into debt for it?!

And then there's adoption. That's really a lot more money and there's so much uncertainty and stress in that process. We would be going through many more months, possibly years before we could get a baby.

And then there's the scarest option of all, one that we did talk about, which is remaining childless. This is one that has been coming up more often. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am with my husband and how much fun we have together, but I will always long for something more in our relationship and that's for us to experience parenthood together.

When I hear women complain about only getting 2 hours of sleep last night because of a sick kid or a sweater getting ruined by baby puke or not getting to stay out late because you have to get home to relieve the babysitter, you have no idea how jealous I am of them. I would love to make any of those statements. As much as I love my sleep, I would give anything for a crying baby to wake me up in the middle of the night. I even woke up several times last night and the silence was so deafening. I longed to hear a baby crying from down the hall.

I'm praying and trying to figure out what God is telling me, but I'm not hearing anything and I feel like I've got to decide quickly. I suspect our next cycle will be delayed a week or two. I can feel at least one, maybe two of the follicles didn't decrease, so we'll have to treat those before they become cysts.

For awhile, I thought God was telling me something. I'm currently in the middle of training for my next half-marathon. My mileage and intensity is increasing. Well, the day after the IUI I caught a terrible stomach bug and didn't run that night. And on the nights of two more of my long runs, I started feeling bad when it was time to go to the gym. I wondered if God was telling me to take it easy because something was forming inside. So I listened to Him and started taking it easier. I still wanted to exercise and I continued to train, but my running was at a very slow jog and I even did a couple of the miles walking...just in case I might be pregnant. I guess it wasn't Him at all and I'm just being silly. I'm just hoping for any sign or communication from Him.

God, I love you and trust you, but please talk to us...We're ready to listen.

Another Season

Last week I went to my first Resolve Support Group meeting. There is a relatively new chapter started in Louisville for women facing infertility. I met 5 amazing women also fighting this battle. For the first time in a long time, I felt comfortable sharing in a group and I could use slang medical terms and they would know what I was talking about.

I often feel like the freak in the group of any of my friends. I'm the elephant in the room when people are talking about kids and babies and I'm the one with the disability. These ladies made me feel normal for once in a long time. I didn't have the saddest story of the group. I was amazed by what the other ladies have been through. I love that even after our first meeting we were sharing so much and we were all pulling for each other. I look forward to the next time with these ladies and I hope to see a happy ending for all of them soon.

As much as I am excited to find this group, I wish it didn't exist. I wish there wasn't a need for a support group for women struggling with something that comes so easy to others.

There are so many half thoughts coming in my head right now to write about, but I'm just in a really weird place. I feel bitter and just numb. I can also tell my husband isn't 100%. He's been wanting a puppy and he's been researching constantly. As much as I resist because of the extra cost that we don't need, I do think he deserves one and it's what our family needs. I think it's a way to fill the void and a way to share all the love he has.

I'm hoping that getting some warm weather soon will help both of us. I need a change and a new beginning. But it also reminds me that another season has gone by and more time has passed and our dreams are left unfulfilled.

We'll continue to pray and put our trust in God's plan...

Got Hope?

I have a daily calendar that has inspirational quotes. Today's was from Dale Carnegie: "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."

I read this over a few times and I understand it's meaning and I'm sure it's so true, but it's really hard from me to apply it and have hope. We have tried something for 18 times. 18 times! After doing something over and over again for 18 times, most would say to give up. It isn't going to happen. If Mike asked me out 18 times and I said no every time, I bet he would have given up and we wouldn't be together. If I applied for my job 18 times and got rejected every time, I wouldn't have applied again. I doubt I'd go more that 2 or 3 times and I wouldn't have found the job I love and am challenged almost daily.

What keeps us going and trying to get pregnant is that our desire for a baby is so strong. I don't want to give up, but the rejection is so hard. I'm wondering if this is God telling us something. Is he saying to try something else or telling us to wait? I am praying, but not listening enough. Mike didn't get home until late the other night and I spent a long time in prayer. I know I need to really stop to hear what God is telling me. I know I need Him to get through this.

Since our last failed IUI attempt, we are going at it again. Back to the drugs, shots, etc. I honestly am not excited about it this time. I don't have the energy to be rejected again, so I'm not going to get my hopes up. I know this is all turning us very cynical. There's a new EPT commercial that we've seen a couple times and Mike always talks back to the TV rude comments about the couple that get positive results. Even watching movies we make jokes about the couple that easily get pregnant. This situation has made us a couple bitter people.

I know we need to be strong and hold onto our faith, but it's hard. We're looking forward to a fun weekend. We're going to Red River Gorge with our small group at church. It's now our annual thing where we rent a cabin and have a fun time away together. Maybe getting away and having lots of fun is what we need right now.

Not Pregnant

It's been a tough couple of weeks. We had been coming off a string of several doctor visits over several months that had our hopes really high. After two bad IUI attempts in August and September we were told to take some time off. I went on some medication and went to the urologist on October 31. The results of the medication were excellent and he told us to wait two more months and then start trying again......so that's what we did.

Flash forward to January and we get back into the swing of things with our fertility doctor. She had a new drug plan to help the uterus lining and we had to do a couple injectibles. We followed all instructions. Veronica even bravely let me give her a shot. And on January 15, we went in to try our third IUI. The procedure went so much better than either of the first two. Veronica had 3-4 good follicles and my sperm count had gone from 400,000 to 8 million! All of our numbers were well above where they needed to be for a succesful insemination for the first time during this whole process.

Hopes were very high for the next two weeks. We both felt good about the numbers. I just had this feeling that it had worked. I didn't even want to consider "what if it didn't". We were thankful, excited, and overall relieved. We even spent a dinner discussing baby names. We figured we had taken our meds, done what the doctors have asked of us, been persistent, and trusted God; and our reward was finally coming.

As it turns out, we got too far ahead of ourselves. For the 18th straight cycle Veronica took a pregenancy test, and for the 18th straight month it came back as Not Pregnant. Over the span of several days, we took 4 tests, and they all said the same thing.

We always had a reason before for the negative answer, my numbers were bad or hers were off. None of that applied here, we had done everything right, and still nothing.

I told Veronica that I didn't want to blog for awhile, because I had nothing but negative things to say. I didn't like the way I was feeling, and what bothers me the most is not that we cannot have a baby, it is seeing the pain that it causes my wife and that there is nothing I can do to fix it. For every failed test, every commercial about a baby, every person that announces they are pregnant on Facebook, everyone who talks to her about how they can't wait to have babies and assume that no one else will go through what we are going through, I know it hurts her. I feel like every man likes to know he can fix any problem he may encounter. I have two that I can do nothing about. I really want a baby as well, and I am out of ideas as far as what we can do next to make that happen. But I also want my wife to have the happiness she deserves, and to see these last 18 months wear on her the way they have has been really devastating. To go through the emotional stress of this on top of dealing with a terminally sick father and still carry on with the strength that she has is really a testament to her faith, and her love for her family and God.

I haven't lost all hope, but I'm not sure I will ever get my hopes up again. I am to the point now where I can no longer see that God is waiting on something, it's just not working. I feel if this was a test of faith, we've endured long enough. I know from the notes and compliments we have gotten that this blog has had a wonderful impact on others, so I don't think we are waiting for God to bring something good from this situation. I don't really know what this all means, but I don't want to try and guess what is in store for us next. I have been trying to predict God this entire time and I have never been right, maybe that's why, maybe God wants me to step back and just trust him, but I feel like I have done that.

For a few days I just gave up, I didn't really talk to God, or talk to anyone really. I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, and just really lacked a reason to do much. I didn't talk about it and covered it up as much as I could. On one of my sleepless nights I watched a video they showed at our church a week earlier that I had missed.


David Holdcraft Testimonial from Northeast Christian Church on Vimeo.


I've gotten really good at praying with God, both talking and listening to him. I feel like I am a witness to him through my service, leadership, and my life. But I have never spent the amount of time I should in the word. Our church has been doing a series called "Truth Revealed" and it has been challenging us to read our Bibles more. Our small group even started a challenge for reading our Bibles. I never thought of what impact reading the Bible could have on how we deal with infertility till I saw this video. The Bible has so much to say to me, just like it did for David (who lost his wife about 10 days after this video was made). David showed me it's OK to be angry with God, it's OK to struggle with his will and still accept it, and that it's going to be a journey full of obstacles and you need to have God's word in your heart in order to overcome them.

That night I jumped back into my Bible. I didn't want to just pick a place so I went to an old reading plan I had been following for a while and decided to pick up where I left off on it. It took me to Daniel Chapter 10. I knew immediately what it was because my dad had shared this verse with us a few months earlier. In Daniel 10, Daniel has had a vision and was waiting on God. He had fasted and prayed for three weeks; Daniel grows frustrated as he waits on God to answer him and he finally does in verse 11:

"He Said, 'Daniel, you who are highly esteemed, consider carefully the words I am about to speak to you, and stand up for I have now been sent to you.' And when he said this to me, I stood up trembling.  Then he continued, 'Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kindrom resisted me 21 days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help because I was detained there with the king of Persia. Now I have come to explain to you what will happen to your people in the future....'"

While Daniel was not exactly in the same situation, I can relate to the frustration. I had been feeling like God had abandoned us, maybe he wasn't even listening to us. What other reason does he have to make us wait this long? What I learned is that God is always with us and hears us, he just doesn't promise immediate results. If he did Beth Holdcraft wouldn't have lost her battle with cancer and we would already have a baby and probably be close to a second. I wish it did work that way, but it doesn't, and I know I have to accept that. It brings me great comfort though to know that God is always with me and always hears me. I have even more desire now to dig deeper into the Word knowing that it will serve as help and inspriration when I encounter troubles and doubt like I did after that failed test.

So that has been my range of emotions over the past few weeks. I don't feel great, I am by no means happy about any of this now, but I feel some peace. I can stop trying to "solve this problem" and stop trying to figure out what God's plan is. He'll reveal it in due time. I am just grateful for His Word, which I can use on a daily basis to help get through the bad days. My greatest prayer when I think of all of this is that no one has to go through death, or infertility, or any other hardship without God to get them through it, because I just can't imagine doing it. David Holdcraft says the same in his testimony. I would encourage anyone out there going through a similar struggle to depend on God, even if it is for the first time in your life. He can help you through it.

To my wife, it's Valentine's week and you made me promise not to spend too much money so this might be a part of your gift. I love you so much and am so sorry for what you have had to go through over the past 18 months. A lot of good people would react much worse when dealing with such heartbreaking things like Alzheimer's and infetility. You are the strongest and most amazing person I know, and you are going to be such an amazing mother one day. You are already an amazing wife!

A Fertility Seminar

On Monday, we went to a fertility seminar. One of my other friends heard about it, so we joined her and her husband. When we got there, we found out it was taught by our doctor. We passed her in the hallway and she was surprised to see us. She told us we already knew everything. But there was a nurse practitioner there that had some advice on coping with the emotional aspects of infertility, and our doctor thought that would be beneficial for us.

As expected our doctor did a great job presenting and I was impressed in how well she explain things in lay terms. Usually she talks so fast to us in these crazy medical terms, I have to make her repeat things or write it down for me. It's funny that when you're going through this stuff talking about things like sex, hot testicles, vaginal suppositories, etc in a public forum, it doesn't seem weird at all.

The NP also did a great job and encouraged the females to find strong support systems and talk about the stress of infertility. She stressed that aspect was much more difficult for the women. And it would often be helpful for us to talk to another woman going through it, more than even our male partners.

I definitely have a handful of ladies that have been on speed dial as I wait for pregnancy test results and know the date I'm testing. I'm very thankful for their support and I know that they really feel the pain I'm going through.

Mike is always so strong during our sad times. I'll ask him how he's feeling and if he's struggling. He always tells me that he feels obligated to be the strong one. I do feel bad about this, because I know I couldn't be the strong one. I feel guilty getting upset often, so sometimes I'll sneak to the bathroom or cry in the shower, so he doesn't have to see me hurting.

After the seminar, we chatted with a few people there. I talked to one chick that has been in the fertility battle for 3 years. She told me about a local support group and invited me to join. I'll definitely be doing that. Not only do I look forward to having women that share this pain, but I also want to share my story and my faith and how it's helping us survive.

We have so much going on in our heads right now. So much we want to say on the blog and so much we don't want to even say or think. We're both in a really weird place right now and just taking things one day at a time. Prayers are definitely needed and requested. Be patient with us as we decide how and when to share our feelings.

Patience

I found a verse that goes along perfectly with my journey right now...

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

2 Peter 3:9

I'm really struggling with patience and wanting a baby in my timing. We have been trying for 18 months now and it feels like such a long time. It has been stressful and disappointing. After reading this I understand that what I consider a long time may not be a long time for God. I should never assume that He isn't keeping His promise. I just have to exercise patience. He has been so patient from me over the years and He had every right to be frustrated with me, but I know He is overjoyed that I made a commitment to Him no matter when it was.

Mike and I have had some frustrating days lately. Our home improvement projects aren't quite going the way we wanted and then in the middle of it, our refrigerator and garage door opener decide to break and we had to get them replaced. So our bathroom remodeling is going to have to pause for the moment. So frustrating, but at least these are things we can get through.

I'm so blessed I have such a great partner to share life with. He amazes me every day, although there may be days I'd like to strangle him. But then I'd eventually stop because he's so stinking cute.

He went to an IU game yesterday and he told me about an older man he saw wondering around looking confused around the concession area. Mike sensed he knew the issue. So he went up to him and asked for his ticket and helped him back to his seat with his wife. This man had Alzheimer's. I know it upset Mike and it upsets me too. I hate to know what that man and his wife have to endure and I hate that anyone else has to go through it.

I know there's a way for us to get a baby whether we get our own or adopt. But there is no cure or no stopping Alzheimer's. Both of these issues are my life now and I'll pray for patience and God's timing in a happy ending.