Often times we include a verse that goes along with what we are talking about. I want to do a post differently today. I want to lead with a verse. 2 Timothy 4:5 really stuck out to me. Here it is:
But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you.
No doubt God is telling us a lot in this verse. For us, I think He's telling us that we shouldn't be afraid of the struggles with infertility we are facing. This is the ministry that God has given us and we need to use our suffering to share Him with others. I do feel like my faith has really grown throughout all of this. There is no way to really explain why this is happening to us unless God wants us to use it to do something good. Maybe it means we use this blog to minister to others with infertility or any other struggle. Or maybe it means it's for us to adopt a child that needs a home. We have to continue to pray and ask Him for guidance and understanding.
Often my prayers include asking Him to make me pregnant. As I lay with my hips propped up at the doctors office, I am pleading for God to make me pregnant at that moment. We all know God has big plans for all of us and sometimes it isn't what we think we want. I do think I want to be pregnant and carry our own child, but maybe God has something bigger and greater in mind. We don't know yet. I know patience is something I don't have a lot of, but I know God has great things for me. I just need to rely on Him and His timing. He definitely knows better than I do.
As I write this, my heart does still struggle to accept all of this. I know it's wrong for me to have the doubts in my head. But I'm working on it. My talks lately have changed from begging to be pregnant to thanking Him for everything great He's already given me and asking him to reveal His plan to me. It doesn't make me any less sad, but it really helps to know I have the big guy to talk to and help me through this. I can't imagine dealing with this without Him.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Prayers for a Friend
I want to ask for prayers for a friend of mine. She and I have been going through this fertility struggle together. We're daily texting each other about what drugs we're taking, our PCOS, what our doctors are saying, how expensive everything is, how we're feeling, etc. We even ended up ovulating at the same time a couple months ago and we did our first IUIs within hours of each other. We were both so hopeful that we'd get pregnant together. Hers was more successful than ours, but unfortunately yesterday she had a miscarriage. My heart is breaking for her and I feel like it happened to me too. She has had complications the past few weeks and I have prayed non-stop for her. Now she has to wait 3 more cycles and start infertility again. I really can't imagine how hard that is. I do know that miscarriages are common and it happens to most women, but it still doesn't make it emotionally easier to deal with. Please pray for my friend and her husband. Hopefully in a few months we can be pregnant together and our little ones become BFFs!
Clock's ticking...
I know we need to get better about posting more often. At least once a week. There really isn't any good news to report. Just doing a lot of thinking and praying. We've gotten settled into our house and I need to start another big project. I feel like the past few nights I have just felt down and I guess it's not good to have too much time to think.
I know a lot of people have dealt with infertility longer than our 13 months. I feel bad when I'm down and I know so many other that have had harder struggles than we have. I have been desperate for a baby for many, many years. I really feel that God put a calling in me to be a mom. I remember back in early 2008 going to see Slumdog Millionaire. All I could think about that night and the next couple days was that maybe I should adopt a kid from India. The boys were so cute and I really couldn't stop thinking about them. I even looked up details online. I did hold off on the adoption, but I kept the hope of being a mom.
So when Mike and I decided to get married, I let him know that I would want kids soon. It was mainly because of my age. I did want time to enjoy being married and just the two of us, but I knew my clock was ticking. I felt guilty because Mike was so much younger, but he was just as excited about parenthood as I was. We thought we'd wait about 6 months, but we didn't wait that long. I have friends that had fertility problems, so I thought it would be best to start as soon as we could (How right was I?)
We were going to take a vacation to Paris and Rome 4 months after our wedding, so we decided we start then. But it was about a month before that though when we stopped using birth control. I really wanted to conceive in Paris and give our kid a French name like Pierre or Antoinette. Well, we didn't get pregnant before Paris or during or after.
I really hate that infertility is so much of our lives. I honestly probably don't go an hour of my day without thinking about it. Pathetic, I know. I want to scream sometimes how unfair all of this is. I don't even feel like turning on the TV. I don't want to hear about Snooki's baby or Honey BooBoo's teenage sister getting pregnant. With all we've learned and everything we're working on, I can't comprehend how someone can accidentally get pregnant. I would love to wake up one morning vomiting and it just dawn on me that I missed my period.
I'm really losing hope that it will happen. I already know it won't be easy. This week has been frustrating because I'm waiting for my period to start. We knew we didn't have much of a chance that the last IUI would work, but there was some hope. But three tests throughout the week told us "not pregnant". I really just want one time to see it say "pregnant" even if it's a false positive, just so I know those tests can give anything besides negative news. I hate when my period's late, because it gives us false hope and it just delays our next cycle. I can hear my clock ticking louder than ever now and it's not shutting up...
I know a lot of people have dealt with infertility longer than our 13 months. I feel bad when I'm down and I know so many other that have had harder struggles than we have. I have been desperate for a baby for many, many years. I really feel that God put a calling in me to be a mom. I remember back in early 2008 going to see Slumdog Millionaire. All I could think about that night and the next couple days was that maybe I should adopt a kid from India. The boys were so cute and I really couldn't stop thinking about them. I even looked up details online. I did hold off on the adoption, but I kept the hope of being a mom.
So when Mike and I decided to get married, I let him know that I would want kids soon. It was mainly because of my age. I did want time to enjoy being married and just the two of us, but I knew my clock was ticking. I felt guilty because Mike was so much younger, but he was just as excited about parenthood as I was. We thought we'd wait about 6 months, but we didn't wait that long. I have friends that had fertility problems, so I thought it would be best to start as soon as we could (How right was I?)
We were going to take a vacation to Paris and Rome 4 months after our wedding, so we decided we start then. But it was about a month before that though when we stopped using birth control. I really wanted to conceive in Paris and give our kid a French name like Pierre or Antoinette. Well, we didn't get pregnant before Paris or during or after.
I really hate that infertility is so much of our lives. I honestly probably don't go an hour of my day without thinking about it. Pathetic, I know. I want to scream sometimes how unfair all of this is. I don't even feel like turning on the TV. I don't want to hear about Snooki's baby or Honey BooBoo's teenage sister getting pregnant. With all we've learned and everything we're working on, I can't comprehend how someone can accidentally get pregnant. I would love to wake up one morning vomiting and it just dawn on me that I missed my period.
I'm really losing hope that it will happen. I already know it won't be easy. This week has been frustrating because I'm waiting for my period to start. We knew we didn't have much of a chance that the last IUI would work, but there was some hope. But three tests throughout the week told us "not pregnant". I really just want one time to see it say "pregnant" even if it's a false positive, just so I know those tests can give anything besides negative news. I hate when my period's late, because it gives us false hope and it just delays our next cycle. I can hear my clock ticking louder than ever now and it's not shutting up...
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Conflicted
Life sure has been keeping us busy lately. We love our new house; perhaps we'll post some pictures here soon. The new house has been awesome. Veronica loves tackling projects in different rooms while I love being able to do yardwork. Sorry these projects have left us quite absent from the blog.
The news has not been getting any better. Now that they finally got Veronica all fixed up they found out there are still all sorts of problems with me - possibly worse than we thought. I'm on some new drugs, because that is the answer to every infertility problem, and I've been trying to stay active in an attempt to drop some weight. I dropped some back over the summer but hit a wall and gained most of it back. I need to get on it again and stick with it. They really aren't sure how much good that will do though. We are starting to discuss things such as adoption and IVF seriously for the first time, knowing we may have some decisions to make in a few months. I was really hoping we'd never have to think about those two things, it's been a rough few weeks for us.
There is a lot of good going for us right now. We got a new house, we welcomed a new niece to the world a few weeks back, two of our siblings are getting married shortly, Veronica gets to go to Cancun soon, and so on......
With that, it's fair to say say that my life is very conflicted right now. I'm having a hard time mixing the joy and sadness, and honestly I've let the sadness win out more often than not. It seems like every piece of good news comes with some bad news on the side. I'm struggling to figure out how to deal with each as I know that is just how life goes.
One day we're going to have kids, I am very confident of that and I accepted a long time ago that it is not going to be the normal route. But the future has been getting more and more blurry and that worries me. I wish there was some finality to all of this. I have tried to trust God and accept that he has a plan for us, but with each appointment it feels like we are getting further and further away from an answer, specificially the answer we want. Trying the IUI felt like one step forward but then hearing how bad my numbers were felt like 2 steps back.
I don't really know what to say to wrap all of this up, just felt like I needed to post something and get some of those feelings out there. I ask that you continue to pray for us, specifically that we remain strong throughout this. I hope everyone reading this and prays for us knows how much we appreciate your support and your prayers. I don't know where we would be without the support and encouragement.
The news has not been getting any better. Now that they finally got Veronica all fixed up they found out there are still all sorts of problems with me - possibly worse than we thought. I'm on some new drugs, because that is the answer to every infertility problem, and I've been trying to stay active in an attempt to drop some weight. I dropped some back over the summer but hit a wall and gained most of it back. I need to get on it again and stick with it. They really aren't sure how much good that will do though. We are starting to discuss things such as adoption and IVF seriously for the first time, knowing we may have some decisions to make in a few months. I was really hoping we'd never have to think about those two things, it's been a rough few weeks for us.
There is a lot of good going for us right now. We got a new house, we welcomed a new niece to the world a few weeks back, two of our siblings are getting married shortly, Veronica gets to go to Cancun soon, and so on......
With that, it's fair to say say that my life is very conflicted right now. I'm having a hard time mixing the joy and sadness, and honestly I've let the sadness win out more often than not. It seems like every piece of good news comes with some bad news on the side. I'm struggling to figure out how to deal with each as I know that is just how life goes.
One day we're going to have kids, I am very confident of that and I accepted a long time ago that it is not going to be the normal route. But the future has been getting more and more blurry and that worries me. I wish there was some finality to all of this. I have tried to trust God and accept that he has a plan for us, but with each appointment it feels like we are getting further and further away from an answer, specificially the answer we want. Trying the IUI felt like one step forward but then hearing how bad my numbers were felt like 2 steps back.
I don't really know what to say to wrap all of this up, just felt like I needed to post something and get some of those feelings out there. I ask that you continue to pray for us, specifically that we remain strong throughout this. I hope everyone reading this and prays for us knows how much we appreciate your support and your prayers. I don't know where we would be without the support and encouragement.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Rough Week
Last week was extremely rough for us, but we made it through it and are happy with our new home. We closed on a house on Monday and straight from the closing, we started working. Cleaning, painting, repairing, Home Depot runs, more painting, packing, moving, and now unpacking. Our wallets are empty and our bodies are exhausted. However, we love our new house and are excited for great experiences in making it our home.
We haven't posted in awhile on our infertility and that has been a big toll on us. I think we're just discouraged and haven't felt like sharing. Even with all the house stuff, we can't forget about our desire for a baby. As previously posted, I was on some hard core drugs to get me to ovulate. Well, it worked fantastically. We got 3 big follicles, so we were finally ready to do IUI (intrauterine insemination)! We've been working on this since April and it was finally going to happen! We were a bit caught of guard on how quickly I ovulated, so we had to go into the doctor at 6:45 one morning (with Mike's fresh contribution in a sterile cup). We went out to breakfast while the doctor cleaned and prepared the good sperm and then went back for the procedure. We were in and out in less than 30 minutes. It was a bit painful for me, but by the afternoon, I felt fine. I was mainly excited to be off the bad drugs!
So then the big wait began. We should know in about 10-14 days if it was successful. We waited until the 13th day to test. For the past year, I hate doing those and seeing "not pregnant". I feel like the stupid thing is mocking me. Well, it mocked me again and the next morning my period began. We were both devastated. We now have to start making payments on a procedure that didn't work. It really stinks and I hate this!! We're both really struggling to understand what all this means. And also we have to decide what we do next. I dread doing the drugs again and I dread the bill that comes and I dread the disappointment! This was the 12th attempt we've had at getting pregnant and each cycle ends in sadness.
We do know that we're very fortunate. We now have a great house and it will be a perfect home to raise a family. We really got to see how loved we are by some amazing people. It's never fun to help someone paint or move in 90 degree heat or come pick us up after we get locked out or do home repairs or help us unpack. But we had some great people there for us. My parents spent a few days in town helping and our church friends were there for us. After we got all moved in and there were boxes and sweaty people everywhere, we had greasy pizza and hung out. The Old Veronica would have kicked them out after about 30 minutes and started insanely unpacking everything, but I was mentally and physically exhausted and I just loved having our friends around. Everyone was laughing and having a great time. I took a moment just to look around and cherish that time. It made me realize why we wanted a house...to entertain and have friends over. I can't wait to start cooking in my new kitchen and hosting fun parties.
I hope God hears our prayers and continues to bless us. We pray that we will some day get to fill that empty room down the hall...
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. - Hebrews 11:1
We haven't posted in awhile on our infertility and that has been a big toll on us. I think we're just discouraged and haven't felt like sharing. Even with all the house stuff, we can't forget about our desire for a baby. As previously posted, I was on some hard core drugs to get me to ovulate. Well, it worked fantastically. We got 3 big follicles, so we were finally ready to do IUI (intrauterine insemination)! We've been working on this since April and it was finally going to happen! We were a bit caught of guard on how quickly I ovulated, so we had to go into the doctor at 6:45 one morning (with Mike's fresh contribution in a sterile cup). We went out to breakfast while the doctor cleaned and prepared the good sperm and then went back for the procedure. We were in and out in less than 30 minutes. It was a bit painful for me, but by the afternoon, I felt fine. I was mainly excited to be off the bad drugs!
So then the big wait began. We should know in about 10-14 days if it was successful. We waited until the 13th day to test. For the past year, I hate doing those and seeing "not pregnant". I feel like the stupid thing is mocking me. Well, it mocked me again and the next morning my period began. We were both devastated. We now have to start making payments on a procedure that didn't work. It really stinks and I hate this!! We're both really struggling to understand what all this means. And also we have to decide what we do next. I dread doing the drugs again and I dread the bill that comes and I dread the disappointment! This was the 12th attempt we've had at getting pregnant and each cycle ends in sadness.
We do know that we're very fortunate. We now have a great house and it will be a perfect home to raise a family. We really got to see how loved we are by some amazing people. It's never fun to help someone paint or move in 90 degree heat or come pick us up after we get locked out or do home repairs or help us unpack. But we had some great people there for us. My parents spent a few days in town helping and our church friends were there for us. After we got all moved in and there were boxes and sweaty people everywhere, we had greasy pizza and hung out. The Old Veronica would have kicked them out after about 30 minutes and started insanely unpacking everything, but I was mentally and physically exhausted and I just loved having our friends around. Everyone was laughing and having a great time. I took a moment just to look around and cherish that time. It made me realize why we wanted a house...to entertain and have friends over. I can't wait to start cooking in my new kitchen and hosting fun parties.
I hope God hears our prayers and continues to bless us. We pray that we will some day get to fill that empty room down the hall...
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. - Hebrews 11:1
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Making Grandparents
This is one post I've wanted to write, but have been dreading doing. One big reason that I want a baby so badly and quickly is so that I can make my dad a grandfather. Even as I type this I am holding back the tears that I know will come streaming down my face soon. I love my dad soooo much and I cherish every moment I have with him. Since he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease 8 years ago, it has been a huge life changer. First, my love for my parents has grown so much. I would do anything for them and every moment I spend with them seems so much more special to me. I've learned to not take them for granted. Secondly, my responsibilities have really increased. My mom relies on me for making the big decisions and if there are any struggles or problems, then I will be the one to take care of it. My mom still does so much and I rely on her for so much as well, but I know she needs a support system and dealing with this is way too much for one person to bear. And the third reason is that I feel like it has speed up my life. It has made me grow up quicker. All of a sudden I felt like I needed to be on the quick path to start a family. I wanted to get married and have kids just to make my dad a grandfather and allow my kids to see what an amazing and loving person he is.
I know that was not what he asked or expected of me, but I wanted that so badly. It caused me to stay in bad relationships because I didn't want to start over and find another guy or it caused me to scare guys away because I was in such a rush. When I finally relaxed and realized that my dad would just want me to be happy, I left my future in God's hands. And in 2010, He put the amazing Mike Idle in my life. God really answered my prayers above and beyond what I could have imagined. Even though my dad can't exactly express it, I know he loves and adores Mike. If I show up for a visit alone, my dad will stand by the door waiting for Mike. He got so excited when Mike would take him for rides in his corvette before we had to sell it.
My mom worried that Alzheimer's would scare a guy away from marrying me, but we had no idea what a great husband God had in store for me. He is wonderful with my dad and has done way more than what's expected of most sons-in-law. You have no idea what that means to me and one of the best things he does is hold me when I'm bawling at how this disease is changing our lives.
So as we continue on this fertility struggle, many times I want to give up and just have a big pity party, but I just think about how awesome it will be to see my baby in my dad's arms. He loves little ones and I just hope he understand that it's his grandchild. I also want to give my mom a grandchild to give her something happy to focus on besides the every day tradegy that she deals with. If we have a girl, we plan to give her his mom's name. He was such a momma's boy and he was crushed when she was taken away by Pancreatic Cancer before he met my mom. I wish I could have known her as a grandmother and I can't wait to met her in Heaven some day.
Also, I want to mention Mike's parents too. They are wonderful grandparents to our nephews and I want them to have that relationship with our kids too. They have been a great emotional support to us through our infertility and I don't know what we would do without them. His dad gave a powerful sermon on Mother's Day that I will never forget. He made me feel for the first time that this day could be about me too...(not just women with working uteruses).
We will continue to pray and work at having a baby. That is all I can do at making my dad a grandfather. For the past several years, I have become involved with the Alzheimer's Association. I want to do something about this disease and it's really the only way I could find. Here is a picture of my dad when he first saw me all ready for my wedding day.
I really appreciate all the prayers we're getting at becoming parents someday, but we would also like prayers for the future grandparents.
If anyone would like to make a donation to stopping this terrible disease, here is a link to my page:
http://act.alz.org/site/TR?px=6271123&pg=personal&fr_id=1718&et=bnYNOI-mTIejbjjJ2bThRw&s_tafId=11143
I know that was not what he asked or expected of me, but I wanted that so badly. It caused me to stay in bad relationships because I didn't want to start over and find another guy or it caused me to scare guys away because I was in such a rush. When I finally relaxed and realized that my dad would just want me to be happy, I left my future in God's hands. And in 2010, He put the amazing Mike Idle in my life. God really answered my prayers above and beyond what I could have imagined. Even though my dad can't exactly express it, I know he loves and adores Mike. If I show up for a visit alone, my dad will stand by the door waiting for Mike. He got so excited when Mike would take him for rides in his corvette before we had to sell it.
My mom worried that Alzheimer's would scare a guy away from marrying me, but we had no idea what a great husband God had in store for me. He is wonderful with my dad and has done way more than what's expected of most sons-in-law. You have no idea what that means to me and one of the best things he does is hold me when I'm bawling at how this disease is changing our lives.
So as we continue on this fertility struggle, many times I want to give up and just have a big pity party, but I just think about how awesome it will be to see my baby in my dad's arms. He loves little ones and I just hope he understand that it's his grandchild. I also want to give my mom a grandchild to give her something happy to focus on besides the every day tradegy that she deals with. If we have a girl, we plan to give her his mom's name. He was such a momma's boy and he was crushed when she was taken away by Pancreatic Cancer before he met my mom. I wish I could have known her as a grandmother and I can't wait to met her in Heaven some day.
Also, I want to mention Mike's parents too. They are wonderful grandparents to our nephews and I want them to have that relationship with our kids too. They have been a great emotional support to us through our infertility and I don't know what we would do without them. His dad gave a powerful sermon on Mother's Day that I will never forget. He made me feel for the first time that this day could be about me too...(not just women with working uteruses).
We will continue to pray and work at having a baby. That is all I can do at making my dad a grandfather. For the past several years, I have become involved with the Alzheimer's Association. I want to do something about this disease and it's really the only way I could find. Here is a picture of my dad when he first saw me all ready for my wedding day.
I really appreciate all the prayers we're getting at becoming parents someday, but we would also like prayers for the future grandparents.
If anyone would like to make a donation to stopping this terrible disease, here is a link to my page:
http://act.alz.org/site/TR?px=6271123&pg=personal&fr_id=1718&et=bnYNOI-mTIejbjjJ2bThRw&s_tafId=11143
Monday, August 6, 2012
Holy Infertility, Batman!!!
So I'm definitely starting to know what infertility women really go through. Wow, what a week my body has been through! I'm currently on a steroid and we paired it with Clomid. I also increased my dose of Metformin. Every morning and night I have to concentrate and make sure I'm taking the right meds. I'm experiencing lots of not-so-fun side effects. Basically every night almost like clock work around 3:15-3:30, I wake up with hot flashes. They usually would go away quickly, but it would take another hour or two to fall back asleep. I know I probably shouldn't share this, but this goes out to all those other infertile women who wonder what's going on with their bodies...I can't poop! It's so frustrating! I don't even feel like eating because I know it'll be with me for awhile. Once I'm off the meds, I'm hoping to drop about 5 extra pounds!
Speaking of extra pounds, I don't feel like working out even though exercise is proven to help fertility. It's a struggle just to get myself to the gym and I cannot do a normal workout. I'm also committing to limiting foods such as white rice/pasta, white bread, potatoes, and sugars. Not only are these foods bad for fertility, they also do not work well with PCOS.
Mike also said he noticed that my moods have been affected more this round. I did notice it over the weekend. I just feel very irritable and I want to snap at the smallest things and really have to hold myself back. I almost went off on a server yesterday that asked me if we wanted appetizers. The lack of sleep and digestive issues can't help.
I just hope this month is successful, because I'm already stressed about having to do this all again next month and on.
Besides feeling like blah, I did have a great weekend. I got to spend it with the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for. Some friends came in town to celebrate the birthday of our good friend who recently lost her husband. It was so great to just be able to chat and laugh and be together. It sucked because someone was missing from the party, but I felt so thankful that this experience has brought us so much closer. I never want to take those friends for granted. And I know we'll all be ok no matter what we're going through because we have each other and our faith.
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance.
Romans 5:3
Speaking of extra pounds, I don't feel like working out even though exercise is proven to help fertility. It's a struggle just to get myself to the gym and I cannot do a normal workout. I'm also committing to limiting foods such as white rice/pasta, white bread, potatoes, and sugars. Not only are these foods bad for fertility, they also do not work well with PCOS.
Mike also said he noticed that my moods have been affected more this round. I did notice it over the weekend. I just feel very irritable and I want to snap at the smallest things and really have to hold myself back. I almost went off on a server yesterday that asked me if we wanted appetizers. The lack of sleep and digestive issues can't help.
I just hope this month is successful, because I'm already stressed about having to do this all again next month and on.
Besides feeling like blah, I did have a great weekend. I got to spend it with the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for. Some friends came in town to celebrate the birthday of our good friend who recently lost her husband. It was so great to just be able to chat and laugh and be together. It sucked because someone was missing from the party, but I felt so thankful that this experience has brought us so much closer. I never want to take those friends for granted. And I know we'll all be ok no matter what we're going through because we have each other and our faith.
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance.
Romans 5:3
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