Here we go again...back to our fertility specialist yesterday. I almost wanted to hug her because it had been a few months since I've seen her. I know she sees tons of patients all for the same thing, but regardless, she is a big part of our lives right now. She wants to try a different treatment this time. Last time we did the clomid/dexamethasone combination and it thinned my uterus lining too much, so we are trying 4 doses of letrozole daily. It's suppose to work better on the lining and per usual, I'll be wearing an estrogen patch to keep the lining thick.
I know this is a lot of technical talk for some of our readers and it shouldn't mean a lot to you, but I just feel weird right now. I knew how the drug combo of the past worked and I'm just worried that this drug won't work and we'll have to try something else. It seems like all we've been doing is experimenting with drugs and trying new things. I just want some consistency. But I guess we've got to mix things up because nothing has worked so far. Bottom line: I just want to be pregnant. I am willing to do whatever it takes, but it is definitely getting exhausting.
I realize I shouldn't complain. The pills my husband has been taking are extremely dreadful. I hate to even be in the room when he takes them because they smell so bad. I can't imagine what he goes through every morning and night having to down them. I could never doubt his desire for baby or his dedication for our fertility.
When we were at the doctor yesterday, there were several people in the waiting room. There was a couple ladies talking to a very attractive guy that Mike called Armani. From his designer suit and shoes, you could tell the cost of infertility weren't a big deal to him. When his wife comes from the doctor office, he's there to escort her out. We could hear the two ladies talking about him and how nice it was that he brings his wife to the doctor. I was actually shocked that he was in the waiting room. My husband is by my side throughout the entire appointment. He goes back with me to the exam room and then to the doctor's office to discuss our plan. This is a team effort and we're in this together. I don't need a ride to the doctor, I need a partner that wants this as much as I do. And I definitely have that.
I understand that work and other obligations may prevent husbands to make all the appointments and I'm by no means knocking that. However, if a husband is going to be there at the office, go back with your wife and be there with her. There has only been one appointment that Mike couldn't make with me. He was busy at work and it was in the middle of the day. I told him not to worry about it because I had to be there awhile. I had to go to the lab and get blood work done and then visit with the doctor. It was totally fine and I know I could do some of the visits on my own, but it's so wonderful to have a husband so dedicated to being there with me. There are times that the appointments don't go well and I walk out super bummed. If I didn't have Mike there, I'm sure I'd be a sobbing mess.
I hope I never take him for granted. I thank God for him every day. It's a new year and although I feel a little anxious, I'm trying my best to remain hopeful for new beginnings. Next week will mark 3 years since our official first date. My life quickly changed after January 10, 2010 and it's been an amazing journey. I know God has big plans for our future and I can't wait to see what they are...
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Friday, December 21, 2012
A Christmas for Two
Well, Christmas is almost here. Our shopping has been done for some time. Our cards sent out. And we've had a few parties and ready for some time off work.
I think back to last year and how we were timing ovulation and we're just waiting to get a positive pregnancy test. We thought it could come so quickly. It's now a year later and our optimism is diminishing. I thought we would have a baby by now, so I just hope and pray that we'll have one next year. It's easy for me to get sad about it. I love being married and I truly think God couldn't have found a more perfect husband for me. I know we'll have our ups and downs, but overall I know we will be happily married forever. However, I just don't want it to be the two of us. In 40 years, who will we spend our Christmases with? Our parents will no longer be around and our other family will have their families to be with. Will it just be the two of us? That thought sounds depressing to me.
One of my favorite Christmas commercials is from Folgers. Mike makes fun of me about it, because it always seems to make me tear up. It's where the older couple wake up to coffee brewing and they go downstairs to see their son Jimmy home for the holidays. The actors are so great in it and you want to think that happens so much in homes at Christmas. I want to experience our kids traveling home from their fabulous lives to see us.
I've been doing a women's bible study on Wednesday nights and this week our chapter was about Hannah and her desire for a child. She has been my Biblical heroine for awhile now. She also couldn't get pregnant and it was something she really struggled with. However, she kept her faith and God blessed her with Samuel and then 5 more children. I know I need to model my prayer life after Hannah.
For Hannah's story: 1 Samuel 1-2.
We hope all our blog followers have a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Here's our Christmas card. Because of the crazy costs of printing and postage, we weren't able to send them to all our loved ones.
I think back to last year and how we were timing ovulation and we're just waiting to get a positive pregnancy test. We thought it could come so quickly. It's now a year later and our optimism is diminishing. I thought we would have a baby by now, so I just hope and pray that we'll have one next year. It's easy for me to get sad about it. I love being married and I truly think God couldn't have found a more perfect husband for me. I know we'll have our ups and downs, but overall I know we will be happily married forever. However, I just don't want it to be the two of us. In 40 years, who will we spend our Christmases with? Our parents will no longer be around and our other family will have their families to be with. Will it just be the two of us? That thought sounds depressing to me.
One of my favorite Christmas commercials is from Folgers. Mike makes fun of me about it, because it always seems to make me tear up. It's where the older couple wake up to coffee brewing and they go downstairs to see their son Jimmy home for the holidays. The actors are so great in it and you want to think that happens so much in homes at Christmas. I want to experience our kids traveling home from their fabulous lives to see us.
I've been doing a women's bible study on Wednesday nights and this week our chapter was about Hannah and her desire for a child. She has been my Biblical heroine for awhile now. She also couldn't get pregnant and it was something she really struggled with. However, she kept her faith and God blessed her with Samuel and then 5 more children. I know I need to model my prayer life after Hannah.
For Hannah's story: 1 Samuel 1-2.
We hope all our blog followers have a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Here's our Christmas card. Because of the crazy costs of printing and postage, we weren't able to send them to all our loved ones.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Perspective
There are endless stories out there about the tragedy that took place in Connecticut last Friday. It has been on my mind a lot since I first heard about it. I'm not going to write about what I think caused this, gun control, or what can be done to fix it. That has been covered over and over again by just about everyone else.
As a Christian, I feel compelled to do one thing, pray for them. That's really all I can do because I can't imagine there are any words that make those parents feel better. There is nothing to ease their pain or bring their child back. I know that the only person that can give these families any sort of hope is Jesus, and I pray that they all know him or will get to know him through this tragedy. It is easy to only think about the kids, but adult lives were lost as well. We seem to accept adult death easier than we do the death of a child, and to a certain degree I understand that. Most adults still got to experience a lot, they were given the chance to reach their potential, and even though their life was cut short, they still lived a lot. When a 6 year old child is taken it feels like they were cheated, and they were. The families of the teachers, counselors, and principal are hurting just as badly. They can take pride that they died most likely saving the lives of dozens of other children, but that doesn't do enough to take away the pain. Just like everyone else, Veronica and I are in prayer for the victims and their families.
This does tie into the blog, and that goes back to the pain and suffering. It has been a tough year for us in some respects. 2012 is a year we'll look back on with a lot of great memories but also some heartache throughout the year as well. I first went in to get tested the second week of January this year, so we are almost a full year into this process now and that doesn't include the several months we tried before getting tested. It doesn't feel like things are much better than they were last January. We have made some progress but we took some hits along the way as well. It's easy to look at the future with fear and worry. Will 2013 be any better? We choose to believe it will because we have the hope of Jesus, there is still the hope of a child. A week from today we will celebrate the miraculous birth of the most important person to ever walk the Earth, our Savior. If we ever are reminded of the hope we have in Jesus, what God is capable of doing for us, and how much he loves us; this time of year serves as a reminder.
Our pain is nothing compared to what those families in Connecticut must be feeling right now. Next week all around the country entire families will gather together while those families will have a noticeable empty spot at the table or around the tree. I hope they are reminded of the hope they have in Jesus, I know for us we are reminded even more of how much pain there is in this world and how thankful we are to have hope.
Psalm 39:7: "And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you."
As a Christian, I feel compelled to do one thing, pray for them. That's really all I can do because I can't imagine there are any words that make those parents feel better. There is nothing to ease their pain or bring their child back. I know that the only person that can give these families any sort of hope is Jesus, and I pray that they all know him or will get to know him through this tragedy. It is easy to only think about the kids, but adult lives were lost as well. We seem to accept adult death easier than we do the death of a child, and to a certain degree I understand that. Most adults still got to experience a lot, they were given the chance to reach their potential, and even though their life was cut short, they still lived a lot. When a 6 year old child is taken it feels like they were cheated, and they were. The families of the teachers, counselors, and principal are hurting just as badly. They can take pride that they died most likely saving the lives of dozens of other children, but that doesn't do enough to take away the pain. Just like everyone else, Veronica and I are in prayer for the victims and their families.
This does tie into the blog, and that goes back to the pain and suffering. It has been a tough year for us in some respects. 2012 is a year we'll look back on with a lot of great memories but also some heartache throughout the year as well. I first went in to get tested the second week of January this year, so we are almost a full year into this process now and that doesn't include the several months we tried before getting tested. It doesn't feel like things are much better than they were last January. We have made some progress but we took some hits along the way as well. It's easy to look at the future with fear and worry. Will 2013 be any better? We choose to believe it will because we have the hope of Jesus, there is still the hope of a child. A week from today we will celebrate the miraculous birth of the most important person to ever walk the Earth, our Savior. If we ever are reminded of the hope we have in Jesus, what God is capable of doing for us, and how much he loves us; this time of year serves as a reminder.
Our pain is nothing compared to what those families in Connecticut must be feeling right now. Next week all around the country entire families will gather together while those families will have a noticeable empty spot at the table or around the tree. I hope they are reminded of the hope they have in Jesus, I know for us we are reminded even more of how much pain there is in this world and how thankful we are to have hope.
Psalm 39:7: "And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you."
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
James 1:12
Sometimes it's hard to think of things to write about on here, especially when were in the holding period we are in right now. Our last doctor appointment was on Halloween, so about 6 weeks ago. That part has been nice, no waiting rooms and co-pays is definitely something I can deal with. We've been taking our pills, trying to exercise and eat better, and most importantly doing a lot of praying.
Sometimes this blog serves as therapy for us, sometimes it serves as information for the readers, and lately I have found it as almost a form of my own devotional time. Some of my best conversations with God come from talking to him about our infertility. There is a real issue in our lives that we have absolutely no control over and that is a first; the only person we can rely on is God. While I wish there was another way he could grab our attention, I have no doubt he is using this experience to teach us.
This weekend we finally put our Christmas tree up in the front living room of our house. It is a smaller room and we don't use it very often. Normally it's where she goes to watch her reality shows while I am watching the Yankees or the Hoosiers. The other night we just sat in that room for a while and talked about a lot of different things.
As we usually do, we got on the subject of infertility and something came to my head that I told her. I told her that sometimes I think about the day we actually do have a baby, how amazing that day will be. The amount of happiness and relief will be indescribable. We have never wanted or worked for something so badly in our lives.
My point was our kid is going to be spoiled rotten. This journey is going to make being a parent so special, and maybe that is part of God's plan. I'm certainly not saying that any parents that don't go through infertility will not appreciate their kids as much, or that we wouldn't have had we not gone through this. I just know that we will feel so much more blessed when it happens because of all the work and prayer that went into it. I can't wait, I honestly cannot put into words how badly I want a baby for us. This desire is concrete in our hearts and has not wavered at all since the first day we started trying. We are fully confident that God would not put this desire in our hearts if he did not want us to be parents.
We are not doing Christmas gifts this year, the house was our gift to each other. But really, I don't really have a lot of wants anymore. Maybe that is because there is just one thing that I want so badly, nothing else will bring as much joy. We are waiting patiently for this to happen, and as I have said many times, it is hard sometimes and we have gotten upset and frustrated. But Veronica found a verse that may best sum up what I have tried to say through my rambling on here and what led to a great converstation with God.
James 1:12 "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love me."
It brings me great joy to know that this experience will not only make being a parent so special, but we are also building our reward in Heaven. I really hope we have a baby this year coming up, if so, 2013 will be the best year ever and nothing will be able to top it.
Sometimes this blog serves as therapy for us, sometimes it serves as information for the readers, and lately I have found it as almost a form of my own devotional time. Some of my best conversations with God come from talking to him about our infertility. There is a real issue in our lives that we have absolutely no control over and that is a first; the only person we can rely on is God. While I wish there was another way he could grab our attention, I have no doubt he is using this experience to teach us.
This weekend we finally put our Christmas tree up in the front living room of our house. It is a smaller room and we don't use it very often. Normally it's where she goes to watch her reality shows while I am watching the Yankees or the Hoosiers. The other night we just sat in that room for a while and talked about a lot of different things.
As we usually do, we got on the subject of infertility and something came to my head that I told her. I told her that sometimes I think about the day we actually do have a baby, how amazing that day will be. The amount of happiness and relief will be indescribable. We have never wanted or worked for something so badly in our lives.
My point was our kid is going to be spoiled rotten. This journey is going to make being a parent so special, and maybe that is part of God's plan. I'm certainly not saying that any parents that don't go through infertility will not appreciate their kids as much, or that we wouldn't have had we not gone through this. I just know that we will feel so much more blessed when it happens because of all the work and prayer that went into it. I can't wait, I honestly cannot put into words how badly I want a baby for us. This desire is concrete in our hearts and has not wavered at all since the first day we started trying. We are fully confident that God would not put this desire in our hearts if he did not want us to be parents.
We are not doing Christmas gifts this year, the house was our gift to each other. But really, I don't really have a lot of wants anymore. Maybe that is because there is just one thing that I want so badly, nothing else will bring as much joy. We are waiting patiently for this to happen, and as I have said many times, it is hard sometimes and we have gotten upset and frustrated. But Veronica found a verse that may best sum up what I have tried to say through my rambling on here and what led to a great converstation with God.
James 1:12 "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love me."
It brings me great joy to know that this experience will not only make being a parent so special, but we are also building our reward in Heaven. I really hope we have a baby this year coming up, if so, 2013 will be the best year ever and nothing will be able to top it.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Time for a New Year
Since we're just on maintenance mode right now for our fertility, it seems like we don't think about it as much. I'm not experiencing my nightly crying. I'm really trying to focus on being strong. I am worried about January though. I'm really hopeful that our last attempt at IUI will be successful. Sometimes if I really think about it, I get freaked out. What if we don't ever get to have children?? That thought scares me to death and it seems like it's a reality we may have to face. I know that may sound super negative, but I just want to prepare myself for the worst.
My wonderful husband said something to me last night when I was feeling down about all of it. He said 2013 could have some great things for us. Honestly, 2012 sucks. It has not been a great year. Yeah, we've done some fun stuff...but it can be hard to focus on having fun when this is always in the back of my mind. I'm praying that 2013 will be much better.
2009 wasn't a great year for me either. I was dealing with a bad ex-boyfriend and was just bummed on being single. Lots of bad first dates. But like magic, 2010 became the best year I had ever had up to that point. In January, I started dating the adorable Mike Idle and I got a surprise trip to LA with two of my favorite gals. The year was off to a great start. By February I knew this is the guy I would marry and couldn't live without. The rest of the year including having tons of fun together, getting engaged, and planning our special wedding.
So basically I'm hoping that the complete change from 2009 to 2010 will be mirrored for 2012 to 2013. I know that God has great things in store for us.
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
Hebrews 10:36
My wonderful husband said something to me last night when I was feeling down about all of it. He said 2013 could have some great things for us. Honestly, 2012 sucks. It has not been a great year. Yeah, we've done some fun stuff...but it can be hard to focus on having fun when this is always in the back of my mind. I'm praying that 2013 will be much better.
2009 wasn't a great year for me either. I was dealing with a bad ex-boyfriend and was just bummed on being single. Lots of bad first dates. But like magic, 2010 became the best year I had ever had up to that point. In January, I started dating the adorable Mike Idle and I got a surprise trip to LA with two of my favorite gals. The year was off to a great start. By February I knew this is the guy I would marry and couldn't live without. The rest of the year including having tons of fun together, getting engaged, and planning our special wedding.
So basically I'm hoping that the complete change from 2009 to 2010 will be mirrored for 2012 to 2013. I know that God has great things in store for us.
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
Hebrews 10:36
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
One Thing Remains
Lately I have been trying to focus more on the things that God has blessed us with. As I have said in the past, we were starting to let infertility control our lives. All we would be doing is fighting or crying. I think that is Satan trying to do that, making us forget about all the blessings and narrowing our focus on a negative until we blame God. He wants us to think that God doesn’t care about us, that he has forgotten about us. We have tried to focus on the things God has blessed us with because of his love that bring joy to our lives: family, friends, our small group, our church, our house just to name a few. And I have found myself being more and more satisfied with the knowledge that God is still here and still has a plan. It has helped our relationship with God and helped our marriage.
I meant to write this a few weeks back but kind of put it off because it is kind of embarrassing. A few weeks ago at church we sang a song that is quickly becoming one of my favorites, it is called One Thing Remains. I wanted to write the song out (just, for your own good, don’t try to imagine my voice singing it)
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains
One thing remains
Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me
On and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me
In death and in life I’m confident and covered
by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there’s nothing that can separate my heart from your great love
by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there’s nothing that can separate my heart from your great love
Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me
When we sang this song I was in one of my funks. We hadn’t gotten any good news in a while and we were just throwing ourselves a pity party. When I heard this song it was almost like I had some sort of stark realization of how fortunate we still are. Sometimes it is easy to feel empty from infertility like when you get nothing but bad news, everyone you know is getting pregnant, you hear how expensive procedures are, you hear how expensive and risky adoption is. The future can look bleak and it can be easy to blur everything else out and focus on what has taken over your life.
In that moment we are supposed to focus on God’s love and how amazing it is. I’m embarrassed because this song brought me to tears just hearing the words because some of them hit home. This infertility battle feels like a tall mountain, and it feels like a powerful force. But His love is taller and stronger. Sometimes I feel like God isn’t there and it makes me feel empty, but His love goes on and on. And if you allow it to, it will overwhelm and satisfy your soul. I get afraid a lot, afraid of what the future holds for us, but with God’s love I don’t have to. I can be confident in the future and have no worry and no fear. Because when there is nothing else I know that one thing remains, and it is His unfailing, unending love. I know God’s love has always been there, I just have let Satan distract me from it. I feel guilty for the times I have questioned God, gotten angry at him, or doubted him.
The last few weeks have been really annoying on Facebook mostly because of the political posts but also because everyone does their thankful posts every day. I’m not judging anyone for doing them, but when everyone does them it clogs my timeline up. Plus after the first few days when everyone says family, friends, pets, etc they run out of creative ideas and end up being thankful for peanut butter or something like that. However, in the spirit of being thankful; I am thankful that when we are down, sad, and feeling empty we have support to fall back on. We have our family and friends, our church and small group. We have those of you who read this blog and leave us notes of support. But most importantly we have the amazing, unfailing, never ending love of an awesome and amazing God, Savior, and Creator.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Pity Party
It's been a busy week at work. Yesterday was Ad Day at the Downs, so I spent the afternoon at the track and got to see some of my favorite people in the ad business. With life always staying crazy, it's my only chance to see some of those people. I get into work today and my to-do list is long. However, it starts out with hearing that one of my co-workers is pregnant. Now all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and I don't feel like working at all. I decided to write on the blog.
I'm sorry if it comes off a little angry. It's not angry, it's sadness. I know I should be happy for my co-worker, but it just stinks because her assistant is currently on maternity leave for having a baby and the client that the 3 of us work with is also pregnant. I can't wait to have the meetings when all 3 of them are discussing their cute babies and complain about sleepless nights. I would give anything to get up in the middle of the night to comfort my crying baby. And if anyone knows how much I love to sleep, they know that's huge for me to say.
I know this probably sounds extremely selfish, but as infertile people know, it's so hard to be around this when that's all you think about. It's all I have thought about for 14 months. I feel I've worked so hard at something that I see everyone else getting, but not me.
I know we haven't updated since our last doctor appointment last week. It did go pretty well, if you don't count the hour we had to wait before seeing the doctor. He told us that Mike's testosterone has doubled since the drugs he's on. It was already on a normal level, so he is extra 'manly' now. The thinking was that if we get this really high, then maybe it'll improve the sperm count. We can't know that for sure unless we do a test. However, we can do that at the same time as an IUI and only pay for it once. The doctor does want us to continue doing this as well as get Mike to lose weight for a couple months. So our plan is to try another insemination in January. To me that is the bad news, it seems like so far away and I hate not having something to do each day working toward having a baby.
I'm really praying that this third insemination is successful. If we still don't have a high enough sperm count, then there isn't really a good reason to waste our money on doing it again. And then that's when the hard decisions and big bucks are needed. Now that I have avoided work all day, I better get back to it. Hopefully I can get through the day without crying at my desk.
I'm sorry if it comes off a little angry. It's not angry, it's sadness. I know I should be happy for my co-worker, but it just stinks because her assistant is currently on maternity leave for having a baby and the client that the 3 of us work with is also pregnant. I can't wait to have the meetings when all 3 of them are discussing their cute babies and complain about sleepless nights. I would give anything to get up in the middle of the night to comfort my crying baby. And if anyone knows how much I love to sleep, they know that's huge for me to say.
I know this probably sounds extremely selfish, but as infertile people know, it's so hard to be around this when that's all you think about. It's all I have thought about for 14 months. I feel I've worked so hard at something that I see everyone else getting, but not me.
I know we haven't updated since our last doctor appointment last week. It did go pretty well, if you don't count the hour we had to wait before seeing the doctor. He told us that Mike's testosterone has doubled since the drugs he's on. It was already on a normal level, so he is extra 'manly' now. The thinking was that if we get this really high, then maybe it'll improve the sperm count. We can't know that for sure unless we do a test. However, we can do that at the same time as an IUI and only pay for it once. The doctor does want us to continue doing this as well as get Mike to lose weight for a couple months. So our plan is to try another insemination in January. To me that is the bad news, it seems like so far away and I hate not having something to do each day working toward having a baby.
I'm really praying that this third insemination is successful. If we still don't have a high enough sperm count, then there isn't really a good reason to waste our money on doing it again. And then that's when the hard decisions and big bucks are needed. Now that I have avoided work all day, I better get back to it. Hopefully I can get through the day without crying at my desk.
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