I wanted to write an update about our Christmas and how thankful we are by the birth of Jesus. I know that this blog is focused on us having a baby, but our lives would be nothing without the birth of Jesus over 2000 years ago.
Here's an update after our egg retrival....
Over the weekend we had lost a couple of the embryos, which is normal. She also had a grading system for them and they were looking good. On Monday, she called to say that the craziest thing had happened. One of the embryos was in the shape of a heart. She said she's only seen it a couple times and sent me a picture. It instantly brought tears to my eyes. It was like God has already filled these embryos with love.
The next day we were scheduled to go in at 9:15. This time I was allowed to eat, but I had to arrive with a full bladder. I had started taking progesterone 3 times a day over the weekend and on Monday night, I was feeling major dizziness from it. My body wasn't use to that dosage and I woke up Tuesday morning with a very swimmy head still. I hadn't been nervous until that morning and the feeling just freaked me out.
As we drove to Lexington, I would hear my phone go off with text messages from well wishers, but I didn't want to even bend over to check them. I kept counting down the minutes until we were back home and this process was over with. I hated the extreme nervousness I was experiencing the past couple weeks.
They get us into a room to get me prepped. We have to wait a few minutes and I'm just so nervous. I want to get this over with. Our doctor comes in the room to talk with us. He's so great explaining everything and being super professional.
We had been debating between 2 or 3 embryos to transfer. And up to that point, we really hadn't made a decision. With 2, our chances of twins was 15%. We honestly were ok with twins and were hoping to increase those chances. With 3, a chance of twins went up to about 40% with triplets being 10%. We wanted to defer to the doctor and as much as we were ok with twins, we were very against triplets. There are too many risks going in that direction.
The doctor told us that our embryos were even more advanced than where they should be. The embryologist had picked the best 2 embryos for us. They both recommended just those two. The doctor said that with the way these looked we were looking at about a 70% chance of success. I took a quick look at Mike and we were both thrilled with that number. He said because we were family he would even say it could even be a 90% chance...something he wouldn't say to another patient. This was great news! However, that 10% was huge. We are very use to bad news, so 10% meant a lot.
We went into the operating room and it took no more than 10 minutes to complete the process. I had my husband at my side holding my hand.
The drive home was very exciting. We felt good about everything and we were told we could find out the results in 8 days. Normally it would have been 9, but it fell on Thanksgiving and they were going to let us test a day early. We would get to stay in Louisville and just go to a local hospital to do a blood test. It seemed so quick. We were definitely use to the waiting, but it would give us time to pray and trust in God.
I'm trying hard to keep posts coming...too many distractions to sit down and type out everything. Here's the next installment...
I woke up I believe to the nurse saying something to me. I realize that Mike's in the room, but then I fall back asleep. I wake up and talk to him a bit, but then back to sleep, and then awake and asleep. He tells me this goes on for over an hour. My doctor comes in to give us an update and we find out that they were able to get 14 eggs!! The nurse gives us directions for drugs to take. I wasn't feeling great, but it was mainly just feeling completely out of it. I finally am feeling up to getting dressed and Mike helps me do that. I need a break between each step. After a few minutes, I'm able to get up and we leave and head home.
I actually don't feel bad at all. We get home and I plant myself on the couch for the rest of the day. I only took one small nap, but just felt super tired. I didn't even need to take any more of the pain killers. Mike definitely took great care of me by making me dinner and hanging out with me.
We are also so thankful for all the messages, the flowers, the dinners, and the prayers from our loved ones.
By the next day I was feeling completely normal, but a bit bloated still. We would be getting daily calls from our embryologist. Our call that morning, she told us of the 14 eggs, there were 3 that just weren't very good. And off the remaining 11, they were able to fertilize all of them! This was great news! We would know the next day when we would need to come in for the transfer.
The next day we got the call that all embryos were still doing good and that we would do the transfer the following Tuesday. We were excited to have the weekend to relax (plus we had scored suite tickets to the Cincinnati Bengals game the next day).
I was definitely getting tired of all the drugs. We started another one that day. Some were once a day, some were twice, and one was 3 times a day. Plus some couldn't be taken with food and some did. It was all so confusing, but I think I got it all right.
I didn't know what our future held, but I was so thankful that all of this was possible. I know some religions have objections to IVF, but I was so thankful that it was going so smoothly, that we found a way to finance it, and that the success rates were higher than anything we've done before.
I then had the dilemma of being hopeful. I wanted to think that this would all work and we'd have a baby in 9 months, but yet, we're so use to getting bad news. And I know several women that have failed with IVF, so why should it work this one time for us?
I just kept praying and thanking God. I knew He had something big planned for us.
Our last ultrasound/blood draw appointment was on Monday, November 11. The doctor liked the look of everything. He said everything looked good, but maybe too good. I was in risk of hyperstimulation, which could make me really sick. So he added a new drug for me to take for that. He knew we were close to being ready for the retrieval, but would see how the blood work results were.
Our call that afternoon said we would be ready for Thursday the 14th. We would need to be there at 10:15 and they gave me the long list of instructions. I couldn't eat anything after midnight the night prior, no lotions or perfumes, and what to bring with me. We were also told to do our trigger shot Tuesday night/Wednesday morning at 12:15am. And we could quit our other injectibles on Monday night.
We were both excited. Everything seemed to be going smoothly, but then nerves were setting in. We were getting close.
We knew we wouldn't be able to stay awake past midnight so I set an alarm on my phone. We both feel asleep on the couch and got up to take care of business. We really struggled with the shot. You have to mix two vials and then get the exact amount. It was taking us time and we were worried because this is a timed drug and there was a reason we had a specific time to take it. Luckily we got about 3/4 of the dosage we were to take and went to bed concerned. I was trying not to cry. I just don't want anything to go wrong that we can help.
I called the nurse the next morning and she said we were all good. What a relief! But that day before the surgery, I was so nervous. It's all I could think about. I kept thinking about all the papers we had to sign about how this could fail and even result in death. I wasn't worried about dying, but I just wanted everything to be ok. This was definitely a BIG deal and it was hard not to worry.
We had let our friends and family know what was going on and when and we knew we had lots of prayers. It really meant a lot to us and helped to calm us down.
I was able to get a good night's sleep, but still woke up earlier than I needed to. I watched some Seinfeld on the DVR to occupy my mind. It really was a mental game of trying to get myself to relax. I didn't want to be stressed to complicate anything.
Once we made the drive to Lexington, it didn't take too long to get things started. Supportive text messages started popping up from the amazing people in our lives. We went into the post-op room and I got into a hospital gown and the nurse had me take pain killers that should kick in by the time the surgery was over and then she started the IV. The doctor and anesthesiologist both came in to discuss what was going on.
A moment when we were alone, Mike asked if I wanted him to pray. I quickly said no. I just didn't want to start crying or get even more nervous. We've both been praying like crazy the past couple weeks, so I know God was with us.
The nurse came to get us. I went in to the surgery room and she directed Mike into the 'collection' room to do his part. As I got up on the table, there were tons of people in the room, but they were all friendly faces that I had meet before. The anesthesiologist quickly went to work and I would guess he had me out in about 60 seconds.
I know we're way behind on updating our IVF journey...it may take a few posts to fill everyone in....
I have to first say that I'm in awe of any couple that go through the IVF process. Wow! What is does to your body and emotions!
The first week of the injections weren't so bad. I pretty much continued with my same routine and even kept up with workouts, but just proceeding with caution. I was told that by day 5 of the injections that I shouldn't do any type of workout (or even movements) involving bouncing. The goal of the drugs are to stimulate the ovaries to produce lots of eggs, so I could feel some bloating and discomfort going on. By the first weekend, I walked slowly up and down the starts to avoid overstimulation which could even rupture the ovaries and cause me to lose one. I'm sure this is rare, but I didn't want to take any chances.
For the most part, I just was super tired and having a lot of abdominal pain. A couple major hot flashes popped up too. I was also trying to eat better and just do what I could to remain normal and not think about what was coming up.
For the first week, we had an ultra sound and blood work on Monday and then again on Friday. Everything was proceeding as expected and we were to go back the following Monday for the same drill. After each appointment, we'd get to call to let us know how the blood work came back and how or if we need to adjust our dosage of the shots.
I was so impressed with my husband, who took charge of all the drugs. He measured the dosages and had a system going with our mini-pharmacy. Our nightly routine just wasn't fun. We'd hang out and then he'd get the shots ready for me and then I'd have to make sure I was taking the right pills on top of it.
I know I just wasn't feeling myself and we were both stressed thinking about the upcoming egg retrieval.
Several months ago we had started talks of how our church needed a couples support group for infertility. We're both comfortable as leaders and sharing our story, so we met with a member of our church staff to talk about it. We both procrastinated on getting it started and finally in the fall, we realized that we needed to get going.
The first meeting was to be in November. We designated the 2nd Monday of the month. The first meeting fell during our IVF process. There were only two couples besides us that showed up, but it went really well. We all had different and interesting stories. Every infertile person I have met has the same goal in mind, growing their family, but the adventure it takes them to get to that point is always so different.
I know God called us to go through this journey for a reason. I'll never fully understand why, but I appreciate that He knew I could handle it enough to never lose faith in Him and never give up on my dreams.
Well, it's November and life is going to get tough for us. The past couple weeks have been really amazing in my faith journey. I've felt such a connectedness to God and I feel like I can trust Him fully in whatever comes our way.
I've tried to watch my diet closer and take it easy. I don't want to stress at all. That could be the thing that hurts us more. But easier said than done.
I really feel like I've been on a balance beam the past couple weeks and I'm going strong, but then all of a sudden a gust of wind is trying to throw me off. I don't know how to deal with it and keep going. Now I'm having doubts if we need to do IVF. I know so many people know about it and are praying for us, but I feel like if I have doubts that it will work, then why put ourselves through the emotions and pain of the process. I'm so confused. But regardless, we know we have to move forward. We made the decision and we spent a buttload on drugs, so no turning back.
Last week we ordered the drugs. I have talked with the online pharmacy several times and it was scheduled to arrive on Wednesday. I was so stressed that day to know that they would be getting to us safely and on time. Yes, it was a lot of money that couldn't be refunded, but I felt like my baby was the package that Fedex was delivering. And in a lot of ways, the hope of a baby was. I had a freak out moment when they were telling me that it may be stuck in limbo and I couldn't get it until the following morning. Some of the drugs had to be refrigerated and I was worried they'd be ruined. I'm so blessed to have a husband that came to the rescue! We were able to track the package down that night and we got it home safely.
After a long talk with the husband and encouragement from my amazing support group, I feel a little more back to normal and ready to move forward. I need to realize I have a lot of people supporting me...more than I have infertility against me.
We did our first injection last night. I think we were both nervous. It's been a few months since we've had to do shots and this was a big fancy one. Mike did struggle a bit and cut me a little and bent the needle back. The medicine went in, which is all I care about. We'll have to do it twice tonight, so hopefully his jitters are gone. If not, we need more band-aids!
I did wake up in the middle of the night a couple times feeling really weird, but I was able to go back to sleep. And I did feel like someone blasted the heat into my office at work, but it wasn't a full-blown hot flash, because 10 minutes later I started freezing. Hopefully the side effects starting out won't be too bad. Fingers crossed, but I'm prepared for the reality.
I not supposed to be working out once it's time for the surgery, retrival, and transfer and the nurse said I likely won't feel like doing anything leading up to it either, so it gives me a lot of down time to try to destress and spend time with God.
I came across this Psalm that I've read several times, but it has a whole new meaning to me right now.
They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord. Psalm 112:7
My prayer is that Mike and I can fully trust God and that our fear of what that dreaded pregnancy test may say will go away. We're just waiting to see the amazing plan God has in store for us and we will trust that it will come someday.
Mike and I can't thank our friends and family enough for the outpouring of love we've had over the past few days. Our attitudes feel a lot more positive right now. Yesterday, we had our first official appointment (we've had phone convos) with our new doctor in Lexington. He wanted me to do a SHG, which I was not excited about...especially since I've had one before and it was probably the most painful thing I've experienced. A friend of mine also had two done and thought it was more painful than childbirth. I'll have to take her word for it, but it gives me confidence I could handle childbirth one day.
I was super nervous. Not only was it a painful test, it was with a new doctor (that I know personally), and a new facility. The nurse was extremely nice. The test was done quicker than I expected and with much less pain than expected. Mike's hand only got squeezed twice. I was so relieved. This new doctor is amazing! Plus the ease of the test was good news going forward. He thought he might have to put me under just to get my uterus and cervix to line up better, but he has a much easier plan (which I'll leave out the gruesome details). And it won't delay us any more.
We then had a meeting with his nurse to go over the schedule for the IVF process as well as all the injectibles that Mike will get to give me. The month of November is going to be crazy for us. We'll definitely need prayers and patience. One of the daily shots is to stimulate the ovaries. I asked her if it was like clomid, and she said clomid on steroids! If anyone remembers past posts, clomid gave me hot flashes and serious mood swings...so you may want to stay clear. I'm sure Mike will need his friends especially...just don't offer him any alcohol or caffeine...two definite no-no's during this process. Also, stress is a no-no, so if you play him in fantasy football, please let him win.
We were both feeling good and excited when leaving the doctor's office. We expected that I'd have to be shipped right to the couch for a long day of recovery...but I was good to enjoy the day. As much as we want to get excited that everything in this will run smoothly, we know what we are up against. The costs financially, emotionally, and physically will be tough. As I mentioned, the drugs will have some major side effects, but they can also be dangerous to my system. We're going to take one step at a time and trust God fully.
It's been a busy few months at the Idle house, and I think we have preferred it that way for a reason. It has helped to distract us from the reality we are about to face. Since August we've been to Detroit, Toronto, Pittsburgh, Mt. Sterling, Las Vegas, and Lexington for trips. I've played in two different softball leagues and a few tournaments. We've allowed work, school, and our dog to keep us busy; but all of that is coming to an end now.
What we have to look forward to now are expensive medications, blood tests, painful ultrasounds, restrictive diets, and then a three day procedure that only has a 48% chance of being successful. What we need right now more than anything is prayer and encouragement. We have always kept this situation somewhat private, but we'll take all of the prayer we can get now. There are specific things we need people to pray for:
God's Will- We did not take this decision lightly. It has been several months since our last attempt at any sort of infertility treatment, and that is because we have spent the past few months talking, praying, and listening. I know we are making the right decision because of the change of mindset I experienced in this process. Going into it I thought there was no way that I wanted to undergo this procedure. God slowly changed my thinking and provided me with a reassuring calmness about this. I feel very confident it is going to work. On that note, the second thing you can pray for is......
Success- I don't know why it would be God's will for us to do this if it was not going to be successful, but all the faith and prayer and the world will not make those two weeks between the operation and the test any easier. We will be praying for a positive constantly, the stakes will be higher than they have ever been. Some of the worst days of my life have been hugging Veronica and trying anything to stop the tears when we get a negative pregnancy test. I don't want to even think about it this time around, yet I can't help it. I have to recite Matthew 6:34 at least 10 times a day in my head. We have faith that this is what God wants for us, please just pray for a smooth procedure with no issues. And pray for calmness, especially for Veronica. Stress and worry can affect the potential pregnancy. On that note please also pray for..........
The Future- Regardless of what happens from this procedure; things will be drastically different for us. Hopefully we will be expecting a baby and we will still need all kinds of prayer and direction from God if that is the case. If it does not work out for any reason, we will be facing more important decisions. Either way, pray for us to continue keeping the faith and to seek God's direction. One more.........
Finances- God has blessed us both with great careers and has blessed me with a wife who is financially savvy (because I am the opposite). We researched the area practices that do IVF including Louisville, Cincinnati, Lexington, and Evansville and found that the highest rate of success for couples with factors similar to ours was in Lexington. We actually know the doctor that runs this clinic so God also blessed by placing the best option with someone we know and are comfortable with, and is also giving us a discount. We can find the resources to pay for this procedure (this is not my way of asking my friends for money). But it is going to require some changes for us. Regardless of how the procedure works out, things are going to be incredibly tight afterwards. Please pray for God to give us wisdom with our finances now and in the future.
I am thankful for an outlet that I can share these thoughts, requests, and emotions on. Sometimes I have to ignore this blog because I just need to forget about infertility for awhile. But I love coming back to it when I start to get nervous or afraid. Thank you for taking the time to read this, for your encouraging words, and most importantly, for your prayers.
We've written before about our life verse; this is a verse I have been clinging to lately:
Genesis 25:21-"Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his Wife, because she was childless. The Lord answered his prayer, and his Wife Rebekah became pregnant."
Well, we're back from vacation. It was a great time, but very exhausting, so blogging took more energy than either of us wanted.
We left on the 24th and visited Gramma and Grampa Idle for a couple nights in northern Ohio. We always have a blast with them and it was a great way to kick off our vacation. From there, we made a short drive to Detroit. We met up with Aunt Joni and her friend for a Tigers game. Also, wonderful to spend time with her. After the game, we attempted to see some of the city, but a bit of a preview was enough. We both agreed it wasn't our favorite city by far. The next day we drove a few more hours to Toronto. There we saw the Yankees play the Blue Jays and we both got a hi and wave from Mariano Rivera. We were both giddy! We took a ride to the top of the CN Tower, went through the NHL Hockey Hall of Fame, Kensington Market, Chinatown, and some fun shopping and dining. Next we went to Niagara Falls. It was much more laid back and we had a great time together. Toward the end of the trip we did lots of driving. We stopped in Buffalo, NY for buffalo wings, of course. Then to Pittsburgh for a Pirates vs. Cardinals game. Then on to eastern Kentucky for a Johnson family reunion. A night at my parents' house and then back home.
We both love exploring and making new experiences together. I love just having all that time just with my husband without all the day-to-day distractions.It was my hope that we would be able to take the time away and make a decision about our next step of fertility options. That really didn't happen, but what did happen was that we were away from some of the reminders about our issues. We didn't go to the doctor, we didn't have to answer questions about it, and we didn't feel different. We just enjoyed each other.
There was a moment on our trip when we were got onto the elevator back to our hotel room and a couple with a baby got on with us. I didn't even look at the baby, but I could tell they were trying to show it off and I just ignored them and stared into my husband's eyes. At that moment, I felt so lucky to have him and so much love for him that a negative thought or a sad feeling had no way of ruining that moment for me.
The past week has been a bit tough emotionally I have to admit. I wish I didn't have certain feelings and awkwardnesses (is that a word?) in every day life. I just hate when people just talk about things related to kids or being parents and don't realize how it would sound to someone like me. I wish I could brush them off and it not offend me, but it does.
We do have some amazingly supportive people in our lives...but also some not so supportive people as well. I do feel sorry for both groups. The first group I know it must be hard to know what to say and how to say it. To be honest, you really can't win. If you ask me about our infertility, chances are I could start crying or get bummed. But then if you don't ask me about it, I wonder if you just don't care. It really is something that's always on my mind. I don't think an hour of the day goes by that I'm not thinking about it. So the safer bet is to ask us about it, and be ready to grab a tissue or say something funny to change the topic.
As for the second group, I feel sorry for you because you can always learn from people in different experiences. I'm sure you'd want support if you were facing something difficult. And you really don't realize all the people out that going through this. It's definitely something that most people don't feel comfortable sharing. I learned today of a couple more people around me that had been dealing with infertility for years and I never knew it.
God's given us something tough to deal with, but together with his help we're going to get through it and we're going to have a great testimony to share.
Here's a proverb that is inspiring me today and giving me hope for our next journey...
Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.
Hello, friends. Sorry we've been a little MIA on blogging. I know a lot of you have asked me about what's going on and how the sixth IUI turned out. Well, no big surprise to us, it failed. There are no words to discribe our devastation. Not that we had tons of hope that it would work, but we knew that we didn't want to do another IUI again. Although the procedure, drugs, and doctor visits have been time consuming and expensive, it was always an easy decision on how to move forward. Now that's not the case.
It's been two weeks since we got the negative test and we still haven't come to a firm decision on our next plan of attack. We are debating between IVF and adoption. And when we come to a decision, we have to figure out timing.
If we do IVF, it's about a 2-month process that we both have to be completely committed to. There are lots of do's and don'ts, doctor visits, injections, days of bed rest, and prayers. If we decide to stop any fertility treatment, then we need to get started asap on adoption. We had an IVF meeting with our doctor a couple months ago. She partners with a Lexington doctor, who has the highest success rate for IVF around in my age group, which is 42%. When looking at all the numbers, we were excited that he had the highest percentage, but then again 42% isn't that encouraging. I want more of a guarantee. I need a higher statistic to give me hope that it would work.
Honestly, the hope of having a biological child is diminishing tremendously. I'm pretty sure that having a biological baby is stronger for me than Mike. Every time I look at him, I think of how adorable his baby pictures are and how much I want a little one just like him. I want the experience of being pregnant too. I know that with having PCOS, my ability to lose baby weight will be extremely difficult, but I don't care. I can buy bigger clothes, but it's not as easy to grow a baby in my uterus.
Before the pregnancy test, I was pretty sure I wanted to do IVF if it was negative. But after we got that negative, I spent the next couple days thinking I was over trying and maybe adoptiong a baby in need of parents was the way to go. But then I started thinking of this picture...
and I'm not sure if I'm ready to throw in the towel on a biological baby just yet. Plus I was quite a cute baby too, I have to admit.
Adoption could likely be something we have to do down the road, either for baby #1 or baby #2, but I just don't know yet.
We each made a pros and cons list for IVF and adoption thinking that would give us the answer, but it hasn't yet. So we're taking a much needed vacation. We both stay so busy and rarely get 2 nights in a row where we're together, so now we'll have over a week together. I'm hopeful that God will speak to our hearts on what we need to do.
We'll share details throughout our trip on social media, and our blog when we get back. Hopefully we can share where our infertility journey is taking us next.....
We celebrated Jeter's birthday last weekend. I did invitations, make a dog friendly cake, bought presents, and made bone shaped cookies. I was all about celebrating my favorite four-legged friend.
Honestly, I was very hesitant to get a dog and I was hoping that Mike would just forget about it. However, he was very persistent and I finally had to give in. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've had several dogs growing up, but none that I bonded with quite like Jeter.
No doubt he's stinking adorable, but he has the best personality. He is super smart and luckily potty training was easy. He's also got some sassiness, but he's very friendly and lovable. If I'm ever having a bad day, it's impossible not to cheer up when I come home and he runs up to me so excited to see me.
I know it's a little silly how I treat Jeter like our kid and having a birthday party for him, but it has been a lot of fun. I do feel guilty about how much I obsess about him and how he has to overcompinsate for us not having a baby. Poor dog. I'm sure there are times he just wants to chew on a bone or play fetch, but I just want to cuddle him and treat him like my baby.
Some day, Jeter, I hope to make you a big brother. Hope you had a great birthday! I love you bunches!
Wow! What a fun weekend we just had. We didn't get much time to ourselves or just to relax, but it was great. We got to spend time with our church small group, Mike's family, and my favorite ex-co-workers. The weekend was to celebrate a friend's birthday. It was the one we've mentioned in our blog before, who lost her husband to pancreatic cancer last March and is raising 3 of the most adorable little girls ever.
Last year we celebrated this weekend with our group of friends who all came in to be together, so it worked out that we could all get together again this year. I hate that we don't get to see each other more often or for more time, but it was defintely special time.
After everyone left on Saturday afternoon, Mike and I made plans to come over to her house that night. Mike was going to mow her lawn and we were bringing take out for dinner. I had a fun time chatting and playing with the girls. After bath time, we were playing in the youngest one's room. This has to be the cutest, spunkiest, and sassiest little 3-year old girl I've ever seen. You can't help but love her instantly. Mike and I both loved getting some quality time with her that day as well as her two big sisters. While we were playing, Mike comes in the house and sits by the door to her room. This cutie pie yells out, "Daddy," and runs into his arms and says, "This is my daddy! This is my daddy!"
Mike and I were both speechless. I think mainly because we both were fighting not to cry. Her mom and one of her big sisters were in the room. Being a great mom, she knew what to say and asked her where her daddy was and she and her sister said he was in Heaven. She was only a year and a half when he passed away.
As Mike and I drove home, he brought it up and I broke down. When I looked up, we were driving by the cementary where their daddy was laid to rest. I can't describe how much it breaks my heart that he is no longer with us and he can't be there for his wife and girls. But then I keep having to think of the legacy he left and what amazing things he did in his short 34 year old life.
I thought about the incident several times in the past couple days and Mike and I talked about it again last night. He realized it was an ironic situation. That little girl wants to be able to call someone Daddy, and Mike wants some little girl to call him Daddy.
God makes everything happen for a reason. And sometimes, we don't always understand. As Mike mentioned in a previous post, our church did a series on Life Verses. For years, the verse that always came to me was Romans 8:28. (NIV) It's gotten me through some really tough times.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose. But after this series, I just don't think it fits me as my life verse anymore. I went on the search for a new one. I went back through our past blog entries reading verses that meant something to me that time and none seemed right. I've always loved Romans, so I skimmed the enitre book, but nothing seemed to fit. I also looked around in Hebrews, James, and Timothy.
For some reason, I was drawn over to Peter. Since we went to Rome back in the fall of 2011, I've felt a connection to Peter. We were in Vatican City in front of St. Peter's Basilica and Mike went to the restroom. The lines were very long, so I was sitting near a statue of Peter. I had a long time to talk to God and I gave Him thanks for great men like Peter and I was just in awe of what Peter did to share the Word. My new life verse is 1 Peter 1:21. (NLT)
Through Christ you have come to trust in God. And you have placed your faith and hope in God because he raised Christ from the dead and gave him great glory. Through the process of infertility trust has been tough for me. Well, to be honest, trust in general is hard for me. I've had to learn to have complete trust in God. This verse says so much about my relationship with God and where I am in my life.
I have hope that someday a little one will run into Mike's arms will be able to call him Daddy and I have hope that that adorable little girl will have a father figure in her life to call Daddy until she gets to meet her real Daddy in Heaven.
Well, we couldn't avoid it any longer. It was time for the tube test. We both knew it had to be done before we were going to move forward. I was definitely a little nervous. I didn't think Mike was until he followed me into the bathroom without thinking at the doctor's office.
The test was definitely painful and I was embarrassed that I had to scream out a bit. We were both very worried that we would find that the tubes were closed and we'd have to make a decision. If they are closed, it could mean that surgery is needed or we just skip on to IVF. But then sometimes the tubes can spasm during the test and close up, giving a false positive. So do we still go with those options or do IUI in case they are really normally open? Well, we don't have to worry about it, because both tubes showed to be open! We were both very relieved to see this. I know it might not seem like that big of a deal, but for a couple that only gets bad news, this is HUGE for us.
Mike took me home after the test to recover. The doctor gave me a pain killer to take, but I had to wait an hour to make sure I didn't get sick. It left me pretty wiped for the day, so I decided to just work from home. I had no meetings that day and I just wanted to be in my jammies.
One of my favorite things to do on a weekday when I'm home is to watch The Price is Right. If there's ever a chance, I'm off work, I try to plan my day around the 11:00 hour. Well, guess what? Ironically, on this day they were doing a special for pregnant women on the show! Are you freaking kidding me?! The audience was all preggos! I was very annoyed. I immediately sent a text to the husband, who made me laugh by saying, "You would think a show that is always trying to prevent pet pregnancies wouldn't openly promote them amongst humans!" Oh, well, such is my luck.
Life is just ironic sometimes...like I went to a baby shower on Sunday. It was for a very good friend that is pregnant with a miracle baby. I couldn't be happier for her and her husband. It's been awhile since I've had to go to a baby shower and I got through it great. However, after I got home my period started. I think just to remind me that I shouldn't get excited about baby stuff yet.
I just have to keep remember that God has a plan for us. It's hard to accept, that we have to continue waiting like Mike talked about in his last post. But we're trying to exercise patience and complete surrender to God.
I can't lie, infertility is rough and for the most part, the way I have reacted to it and handled it has made things even rougher. It is one of those things that you cannot be prepared for, nothing in life leading up to it can make it easier or have you better prepped to deal with it. You have to decide on your own how to react and adapt to it. The first decision we made was that we wanted to glorify God through this struggle, and that is one of the best decisions we have ever made. However, our initial goal was to show others struggling with infertility how much easier it is when you go through it with God, yet I read back on this blog and realize that I have stuggled through this process and have doubted God. I've lost faith and I have begun to hate the hope that is still in my heart.
Hope has been a buzzword for me, I can't decide how I feel about it. Every time we go to the doctor and get some good news or we do an IUI, my hope spikes for a few days or a few weeks, only to be dashed by another negative pregnancy test. I was really starting to hate hope so much that I tried to stifle it when I would feel it coming on. After I was able to resist my own hope, I began to hate my wife's hope. Doubts overwhelmed me along with frustration and exhaustion. I just didn't want to do this anymore. My heart grew cold towards everything about our infertility, I was fine with just stopping everything. My wife wasn't anywhere near that point and I could not figure out why she didn't see things the way I did. Why was I so sure about something while she was so far on the opposite end? Being a big movie fan, I am going to utilize one of my favorites in order to make my point:
I was siding with Red (Morgan Freeman for the 3 people left who haven't seen this movie). I found hope to be dangerous, misleading, disappointing, and depressing. All hope was doing was setting me up for failure, making me want something (that I thought) I could never have. I was choosing failure over hope, I was ready to setttle for a life of just the two of us because hope was wearing me down so much.
I've been a Christian my whole life, so I knew this wasn't right. But I also knew that so far, right wasn't working. I was presenting such a shallow and empty faith, two years of a struggle and I'm ready to abandon all hope, destroy my desires, and settle for less than I believe God has planned for me. The reason I have been so absent from this blog lately is because I did not want to reflect that to other people. I can't help how I am reacting to all of this, but I can control who sees it in hopes that no one else does. I could go on and on about this stage of my "hope-hating" for several more paragraphs but I am assuming you get the idea. It wasn't fun and it wasn't good for our marriage. Then we came to church last week and the sermon series was each preacher teaching on their "Life Verse". This week was Phillip Holland teaching, I posted the entire sermon below and it is definitely worth a watch; but I think you will see just how much we felt like we were being spoken to by the opening video in the message:
Hold on, I am supposed to be patient and wait?!?! Of course I already knew that, I just have never liked it. I hate waiting for things, I am all about instant gratification. I am always settling for something less now instead of waiting for something better later. If I really want the 160 GB iPod but only have enough money for the 80 GB iPod, then there is no chance I am waiting 2 extra weeks to have enough money for the one I want, I am settling for the 80 GB. I hate that about myself, I don't think it makes me a bad person, but I would love to have more patience. It really hit me when Phillip talked about settling, because I had never really thought about it but I settle all of the time.
Settling destroys my hope, hope requires patience. There would be no hope if we got everything we wanted immediately. Hope is not what gets you what you want, it is what keeps you going until you get what you want. I used to think I was wrong for thinking about having a baby, that would just get my hopes up. But then I realized why my attitude had shifted so drastically over the past few months and was now polar opposite of how Veronica felt. I had abandoned hope. And that is how a person without hope lives, they become cold and negative. They become pessimistic, doubtful, and their life gets mundane. I can relate because I was there, but I am happy to say my hope has been renewed and I think for the first time I am getting hope right. I am not going to let bad doctor appointments or failed pregnancy tests ruin my hope. They will still be very awful, and I am pretty sure we will still have more of them. But I will continue to hope for what I want. The only person who should take away your hope is God, and he is the one who provides us with hope, and I still want to be hopeful. I always have been, I chose on my own to bury my hope so I could avoid the anguish of the letdown. A negative pregnancy test is a lot easier to handle when you are expecting it all along. But I don't want a negative pregnancy test to be easy, I want it to crush me. Then, I will be that much more hopeful for the next one.
As I think about my life verse I can't help but think about hope, and my life is full of hope right now. I hope my grandpa gets positive results back tomorrow from his operation last week for skin cancer. I hope my mother in law and father in law can adapt as best as possible to dealing with my father in law living in the advanced stages of alzheimers. I hope the void Veronica and I feel is fulfilled soon. Hope is a great thing because all of these things seem possible. I went through a lot of verses that I love, but if I had to settle on a life verse at least for right now, it would be Romans 12:12 "Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble and keep on praying."
In closing, I have to play another Shawshank clip to show how Red realizes he was wrong about hope. They found their hope in that movie, and I cannot wait to find mine!
We are now in a pretty weird place with our infertility. One that we feared would come up. And that's facing a tough decision. We've talked about them before, but we're soon going to have to make one. And it's one with no right answer or guarantee.
I called our doctor to chat about our recent failure and what's next. She talked for awhile about our past numbers and the science of it all and I asked her thoughts on IVF. She explained a little and said that the first step was having a discussion in her office. So we made an appointment for that.
After talking to her and thinking about it more throughout that day, I felt excited about it and ready for something new to try. But then the next day, I did more research on it and I got discouraged. First the odds of its success aren't as high as I thought and those odds start to go down after age 35. So then I'm thinking why attempt something with such a big price tag?
I stopped in one of my favorite places today. I went to Shane Co. to get our rings cleaned. Of course, I looked around while they were being cleaned and had the sales associate get out some diamond earrings to look at. They were so pretty! I'm not a big expensive jewelry person. I wanted a nice engagement ring and I'd like some nice earrings, but I'm good after that. Yes, the earrings were thousands of dollars, but they were cheaper than IVF. I even joked with Mike that the earrings were a guarantee. If I bought them, I would definitely get them. With IVF, we can't say for sure that we'd take a baby home in 9 months.
I'm currently reading Life of Pi by Yann Martel and here's an excerpt from it that relates to my feelings on this...
Some of us give up on life with only a resigned sigh. Others fight a little, then lose hope. Still others - and I am one of those - never give up. We fight and fight and fight. We fight no matter the cost of the battle, the losses we take, the improbability of success. We fight to the very end. It's not a question of courage. It's something constiutional, an inability to let go. it may be nothing more than life-hungry stupidity. As long as I have this longing in my heart to have a baby and be a mom, I'm going to keep fighting. As much as the emotions and rejection knock me down, I'm never giving up.
I really think my blog post last week was too negative and missing an important element. Our faith. Without a doubt, our faith has been challenged and I need to stay positive and know that my God is with me. I keep thinking about Job and all that he went through and his faith never waivered. I really need the strength of Job right now.
A couple weeks ago, we stayed in Mt. Sterling with my parents on a Friday night to get up the next day and drive on to Ashland, KY for my cousin's high school graduation party. Since Jeter had a 'sleep over' with his friend Bruno, we were puppy free and I was excited at getting to sleep in. Unfortunately that didn't happen. At 7:30, I woke up to hearing my dad screaming. I jumped up and ran to check on him. I saw his body going crazy and I screamed to Mike that he was having a seizure. I went to his side and he quickly stopped and I was able to calm him down. It really scared me.
I knew this was a side effect of late term Alzheimer's, but I'm tired of the new obstacle and I know it really upset my mom. He had another one a few days after that, so now we're going through testing about it. I'm not sure what the tests can tell us or what can be done to help. My main concern is that whatever we encounter we find the solution that makes things as easy as possible for my mom.
For some reason, this latest challenge has really made me wonder how much time is really left with my dad. I'm mentally prepared for it, but I just want so many more great moments together. I really feel the urgency even more to give him a grandchild. That thought made my tears flow so much last week and what continues to break my heart. I so want him to meet his grandchild. I want to see his face light up when he gets to hold our baby.
I don't know what plan God has for us. I am so anxious to know what it is. Instead of feeling an end to our infertility journey, I feel like we are walking backwards.
My mother-in-law passed on this verse and it really gives me comfort right now:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Hours after my last post, we went to the doctor for the dreaded test. I was nervous about it, but ready for it. Well, they did an ultrasound to make sure I wasn't close to ovulated, but actually I was very, very close. We had one huge follicle. The drugs worked really quick this time. So the test was canceled, I took a trigger shot, and we scheduled an IUI for the next day!
I was very relieved not to do that test, but I had a few doubts. The reason we were doing the test was to make sure my tubes weren't blocked. Would it be worth our time and money to do the IUI if we didn't know for sure? And especially for only one follicle? Every time we've done and IUI before we had at least 3. I'm a numbers person and I liked those odds better. But I thought that God was really trying to tell me something and I really had a good feeling about this special follicle.
Luckily the IUI was scheduled late in the afternoon the next day, so I could go home and recover. This was by far the worst one yet. I was in a lot of pain for the next several hours, but all good by the next day.
Fast forward to this weekend...testing time. The doctor told us to test Friday, but we voted for Saturday. We didn't want bad news before going to work. We even debated on not testing. We both get so nervous and were afraid of the same results. We were both awake at 5:30 Saturday morning. The anticipation kept us both from sleeping. So at 6:00, we decided to go ahead and test.
I don't really remember all the details from there...at least I don't want to. I don't want to remember the sobs, yelling, and tears that flowed. I had several plans for that day, but instead I couldn't focus on much more than lying in bed with my tissue box. I'm now angry with myself for not being more productive, but the errands will get taken care of and the house will get cleaned eventually. I had to mourn the loss of another failed pregnancy. Another failed cycle. And failed faith that our prayers will ever be answered.
I had so many fights in my head. The faith I've been living by all my life versus the hurt and disappointment that we keep facing. Words like "unfair" and "why?" stay in our vocabulary.
I had to snap myself out of my funk. So by 6:00, I got out of pajamas and ate a small dinner and we got out of the house a bit. I know I can't feel sorry for myself too long and I still have a husband, puppy, and family that depend on me. I know Mike is hurting just as much as me. He expresses it differently and has the added stress of trying to be strong and supportive for me.
We were both thinking about what to do next, but we haven't made any decisions. Honestly, I don't know how to make the right decision. It seems pointless to do a sixth IUI. One of us has been hesitant about adoption and the other is feeling against IVF. I had a feeling we'd get to this spot, but I was just praying that this decision would be avoided.
I'm sorry to my friends and family that I may not be 100% right now. This infertile life has changed me. I'm just trying to go through the motions. I'm tired of crying and being sad. I know I'll be ok and I'll get through this and I'll get through the next heartbreak, but bitterness and pessimism have taken over my outlook.
We really have lots to blog about, but I think we're both afraid to put it down into words. Today we have a doctor appointment and she is checking my fallopian tubes for blockage. I haven't heard good things about the test, so I'm a little nervous about the pain in that. Honestly though, I'm mostly afraid of the results. I just don't want any more bad news. I have walked out of that office with physical pain, but that goes away. I don't want to walk away anymore in emotional pain. That's been tougher to cure.
I've got lots of work to do today in the office. On top of the craziness, we are planning our own Alzheimer's fundraiser. The past few years, we've just been asking for donations for our Walk, but this year, we want more money for a cure. My husband plays softball and usually every year there's an all-day tournament and it's sponsored by a charity. He hasn't heard of one this year, so he came up with the idea of us doing it for our fundraiser. It's June 29, so we have lots of work to do. We've gotten lucky on a church that donated their field for a day and an umpire helping us out. I've made some progress on getting some raffle prizes, so now we're working on sponsors and food donations.
This has been exciting to do. I love event planning...it's not as exciting as a wedding, but it is fun and keeps my mind busy and focused on a good cause.
Just wanted to reach out to our blog followers quickly...now back to work.
So many times, I've come to the blog to write a new post and I just stare at the screen and have no clue what to write. Today isn't much different. I no longer know what to say. I feel like the tears are drying up, but the sadness isn't gone. I don't get emotional as often as I have. I guess that's a good thing. I know there are so many things to be thankful for and so much that others are dealing with that are so much greater than our infertility.
I know what's coming up this weekend, but I hope I don't let my heart fully know what's going on. Both my husband and I are thankful for our moms and we plan to celebrate them and all they've done for us.
I had a pretty good derby week. It seemed to fly by and I didn't get a chance to do everything I had wanted. I missed the chow wagon, but I did get to the track, got to wear my new fascinator, place some bets, eat a few pieces of derby pie, and attend a couple super fun parties.
I like having the freedom to go to parties and do fun things, but honestly I've had that time in my life for so many years. I do love the parties, but I'm ready to be stuck at home for a new baby. I always felt bad for my friends that had to leave early because they had to put a baby to bed, but now I'm jealous of them.
I can't express how much Jeter has changed our lives though. He really has been a special addition to our family. I don't know if I'm pouring more love into him because I have so much to give for a baby, but he is definitely our baby right now. I am so obsessed with that 4-legged animal. I'm now planning our social life around him. I don't like being away from him very long and we always try to plan things where he's included.
More than anything I'm trying to trust God and just keep my heart filled with thankfulness to Him that it can't hold anything else. I'm truly very blessed. I have a wonderful husband, amazing parents, fabulous friends, a great job, an awesome church, and I live in a pretty cool city. God has been taking care of me and I'll continue to let Him do great things in my life.
Interesting article one of my former infertile friends past on to me. I say former because with her last IUI, she's now expecting twins. Good to know that there can be good news with this journey. However, I found out bad news yesterday from another friend. They were preparing for their adopted baby in about 3 weeks, but the adoptive mom changed their mind. As this article describes, there are so many going through this journey and whatever avenue selected, it's hard on the couple emotionally, physically, and financially.
Yes, we've been pretty quiet on the blog lately. Our lives have been busy and not a lot to report on our infertility. I like staying busy. I don't like to just sit around and I don't want to give myself time to think. My period started a couple days ago, which means we have been trying to get pregnant for 20 cycles and it hasn't worked.
Like I had posted before, I just need some time with God. I ordered a book called "Surviving Infertility." It has really been amazing and is really blowing my mind. It reminds me of how awesome God is and His power and it has given me a whole new peace that I haven't been feeling during this process.
A friend also recommend "Jesus Calling" to me. It's a daily devotion book and it has been an uplifting and amazing way to start my day. I'm feeling so close to God and really in awe of how great He is.
Through this books, I can feel the bitterness and negativity falling away from my heart. I'm still sad and confused when I think of our infertility, but I no longer expect answers from everything we've gone through. I'm just waiting and praying. I don't feel as sad either. Normally day one of my period can expect an emotional breakdown, but I felt ok. Since we didn't do a procedure, I didn't really expect it anyway.
Also, my little Jeter has been a great distraction. I absolutely love being his mommy. He is the cutest, most loving puppy I've seen and it brightens my day when I get to see him. I love how he comes running to me every day I get home and covers my face with kisses. We have quickly become obsessed with this little guy, but we would love to make him a big brother.
Yes, I'm still very bummed I'm still not pregnant, but I'm very thankful for the life I've been blessed with. The past few weeks my prayers have been focused on giving thanks to God. I realize I can never thank Him enough.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
As you can tell from the tone of the past few posts, things haven't been great lately. We are back to a wall again in this struggle. We thought we had made some progress but it almost seems like it was just a tease. It actually feels like we are moving backwards at this point.
To be honest I haven't felt like writing on this blog much anymore. It's just not therapeutic for me like it used to be. I don't feel like talking to God about this anymore. I'm tired of not getting an answer back. I'm tired of not feeling comforted by him or confident that he will give us a solution. We have begged God to give us something. If we aren't meant to have kids then take the desire away. If we are, just not yet, then tell us. If you want us to go this route of procedures, doctor appointments, drugs, tests, schedules, stress, and serious financial burden; then at least try to make things easier around us. I know I have listened for God to talk to me, I just don't hear anything.
There was another "not great" appointment today, one that I couldn't be at and I am overridden with guilt about that right now. It sounds like even our doctor is losing hope.
We made two decisions that hopefully will help us through this time: first, we got a puppy. This is Jeter.
He doesn't replace our desire for a baby or even lessen it at all, but we just really wanted a puppy and he does at least give us a distraction from this crappy infetility junk. It seems like we don't ever get to have a normal evening or a normal conversation because right now everything just leads back to infertility; and inevitably we either end up debating some serious decisions or just crying.
That leads me to our next decision. We are taking a month off from this. We'll keep taking our drugs and going to the doctor, the only thing we really aren't going to do is any procedure intended to get Veronica pregnant.
Instead we are going to do a devotional we found for infertile couples. I say I don't hear God, but maybe we just aren't listening the right way. We really hope he will use this month to speak to us.
This months should bring some happiness as well. There is a family birthday this month (mine), we both always enjoy March Madness (especially when the Hoosiers are looking at a 1 seed, well that's just me), and now we have a puppy to play with as it gets warm outside.
Please pray for my wife, she is so strong yet so passionate. It kills me to see her want this so badly and get told no every single month. I feel helpless, I want a baby too, but I want it more for her.
Thank you all for your prayers and support.
Job 33:14- "For God speaks again and again, though people do not recognize it."
I can't begin to describe what a terribly, yucky day yesterday was for us. So much that it's awfulness is creeping into today and it threatens to ruin our weekend.
It started with getting a text from Mike saying that he was in a car wreck with work. He was in one of the vans from work and he wasn't hurt, but still it made a not-so-fun morning for him...especially in the cold, nasty weather.
Secondly, I got a call from my ob/gyn telling me that again my pap smear came back negative. I had done a coloscopy a little over a year ago and she's been monitoring my cervix in 6 month visits. If everything came back ok this time, then she said we could go back to yearly check-ups and assume all is good. Well, all is not good, but because of my body undergoing all of this infertility fun, she didn't want to do anything now and just wait and check again in 6 months. In my head, I wonder if something bigger is going on in my body preventing me from getting pregnant.
Next I get an email finding out that one of my former co-workers has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. The outlet looks good, but I hate that she's in pain and is going through this.
And the final big doozy of the day, I got home from the gym and knew I need to take a pregnancy test. We did our 4th IUI two weeks ago. All the numbers looked good again. Leading into ovulation I had four large follicles and our doctor was a bit concerned it was too many. After taking an injection, one of the follicles dropped down, so she felt relief that we only were working with 3. I just like the fact that our odds were better. I told her I wasn't worried about triplets, I just wanted to see one work.
I was suppose to take a pregnancy test in the morning, but just didn't want the news. I knew that I wasn't pregnant. I took the test in our bathroom and went downstairs before I could see the results. I waited for Mike to come home and he confirmed that the news was bad and didn't even let me see it. I completely lost it...again. I can't even describe the despair I feel. I wish God would just take this desire out of my heart, because I can't take this pain anymore. We decided to sit down and talk for a bit and try to figure things out between tears. There's just so much uncertainty.
We considered taking a break. Our bodies are so drugged up right now and it's really been difficult living from one drug to the next and waiting for ovulation and then waiting for the bad results. Plus the cost is adding up. We still haven't finished paying for our 3rd IUI and we're about to get the bill for the 4th one. I also got a letter yesterday that the cost of one of my drugs is going up...and it's the one that costs the most! I really don't see taking a break as an option for me though. In 2 months, I'll be turning 36 and my clock is really ticking. Plus I know that my dad's memory is running out too.
So what do we do? Seriously, if you are reading this, tell me what we should do?!! I have no clue. We need answers. I really feel like I'm not going to get pregnant any time soon. Even if we jump back in and do a 5th IUI, I just don't think it will work. So we mentioned going for IVF, the success rate is much higher. Logically that makes sense, but again, I just don't think God is planning on me getting pregnant soon, so why go through that and go into debt for it?!
And then there's adoption. That's really a lot more money and there's so much uncertainty and stress in that process. We would be going through many more months, possibly years before we could get a baby.
And then there's the scarest option of all, one that we did talk about, which is remaining childless. This is one that has been coming up more often. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am with my husband and how much fun we have together, but I will always long for something more in our relationship and that's for us to experience parenthood together.
When I hear women complain about only getting 2 hours of sleep last night because of a sick kid or a sweater getting ruined by baby puke or not getting to stay out late because you have to get home to relieve the babysitter, you have no idea how jealous I am of them. I would love to make any of those statements. As much as I love my sleep, I would give anything for a crying baby to wake me up in the middle of the night. I even woke up several times last night and the silence was so deafening. I longed to hear a baby crying from down the hall.
I'm praying and trying to figure out what God is telling me, but I'm not hearing anything and I feel like I've got to decide quickly. I suspect our next cycle will be delayed a week or two. I can feel at least one, maybe two of the follicles didn't decrease, so we'll have to treat those before they become cysts.
For awhile, I thought God was telling me something. I'm currently in the middle of training for my next half-marathon. My mileage and intensity is increasing. Well, the day after the IUI I caught a terrible stomach bug and didn't run that night. And on the nights of two more of my long runs, I started feeling bad when it was time to go to the gym. I wondered if God was telling me to take it easy because something was forming inside. So I listened to Him and started taking it easier. I still wanted to exercise and I continued to train, but my running was at a very slow jog and I even did a couple of the miles walking...just in case I might be pregnant. I guess it wasn't Him at all and I'm just being silly. I'm just hoping for any sign or communication from Him.
God, I love you and trust you, but please talk to us...We're ready to listen.
Last week I went to my first Resolve Support Group meeting. There is a relatively new chapter started in Louisville for women facing infertility. I met 5 amazing women also fighting this battle. For the first time in a long time, I felt comfortable sharing in a group and I could use slang medical terms and they would know what I was talking about.
I often feel like the freak in the group of any of my friends. I'm the elephant in the room when people are talking about kids and babies and I'm the one with the disability. These ladies made me feel normal for once in a long time. I didn't have the saddest story of the group. I was amazed by what the other ladies have been through. I love that even after our first meeting we were sharing so much and we were all pulling for each other. I look forward to the next time with these ladies and I hope to see a happy ending for all of them soon.
As much as I am excited to find this group, I wish it didn't exist. I wish there wasn't a need for a support group for women struggling with something that comes so easy to others.
There are so many half thoughts coming in my head right now to write about, but I'm just in a really weird place. I feel bitter and just numb. I can also tell my husband isn't 100%. He's been wanting a puppy and he's been researching constantly. As much as I resist because of the extra cost that we don't need, I do think he deserves one and it's what our family needs. I think it's a way to fill the void and a way to share all the love he has.
I'm hoping that getting some warm weather soon will help both of us. I need a change and a new beginning. But it also reminds me that another season has gone by and more time has passed and our dreams are left unfulfilled.
We'll continue to pray and put our trust in God's plan...
I have a daily calendar that has inspirational quotes. Today's was from Dale Carnegie: "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."
I read this over a few times and I understand it's meaning and I'm sure it's so true, but it's really hard from me to apply it and have hope. We have tried something for 18 times. 18 times! After doing something over and over again for 18 times, most would say to give up. It isn't going to happen. If Mike asked me out 18 times and I said no every time, I bet he would have given up and we wouldn't be together. If I applied for my job 18 times and got rejected every time, I wouldn't have applied again. I doubt I'd go more that 2 or 3 times and I wouldn't have found the job I love and am challenged almost daily.
What keeps us going and trying to get pregnant is that our desire for a baby is so strong. I don't want to give up, but the rejection is so hard. I'm wondering if this is God telling us something. Is he saying to try something else or telling us to wait? I am praying, but not listening enough. Mike didn't get home until late the other night and I spent a long time in prayer. I know I need to really stop to hear what God is telling me. I know I need Him to get through this.
Since our last failed IUI attempt, we are going at it again. Back to the drugs, shots, etc. I honestly am not excited about it this time. I don't have the energy to be rejected again, so I'm not going to get my hopes up. I know this is all turning us very cynical. There's a new EPT commercial that we've seen a couple times and Mike always talks back to the TV rude comments about the couple that get positive results. Even watching movies we make jokes about the couple that easily get pregnant. This situation has made us a couple bitter people.
I know we need to be strong and hold onto our faith, but it's hard. We're looking forward to a fun weekend. We're going to Red River Gorge with our small group at church. It's now our annual thing where we rent a cabin and have a fun time away together. Maybe getting away and having lots of fun is what we need right now.
It's been a tough couple of weeks. We had been coming off a string of several doctor visits over several months that had our hopes really high. After two bad IUI attempts in August and September we were told to take some time off. I went on some medication and went to the urologist on October 31. The results of the medication were excellent and he told us to wait two more months and then start trying again......so that's what we did.
Flash forward to January and we get back into the swing of things with our fertility doctor. She had a new drug plan to help the uterus lining and we had to do a couple injectibles. We followed all instructions. Veronica even bravely let me give her a shot. And on January 15, we went in to try our third IUI. The procedure went so much better than either of the first two. Veronica had 3-4 good follicles and my sperm count had gone from 400,000 to 8 million! All of our numbers were well above where they needed to be for a succesful insemination for the first time during this whole process.
Hopes were very high for the next two weeks. We both felt good about the numbers. I just had this feeling that it had worked. I didn't even want to consider "what if it didn't". We were thankful, excited, and overall relieved. We even spent a dinner discussing baby names. We figured we had taken our meds, done what the doctors have asked of us, been persistent, and trusted God; and our reward was finally coming.
As it turns out, we got too far ahead of ourselves. For the 18th straight cycle Veronica took a pregenancy test, and for the 18th straight month it came back as Not Pregnant. Over the span of several days, we took 4 tests, and they all said the same thing.
We always had a reason before for the negative answer, my numbers were bad or hers were off. None of that applied here, we had done everything right, and still nothing.
I told Veronica that I didn't want to blog for awhile, because I had nothing but negative things to say. I didn't like the way I was feeling, and what bothers me the most is not that we cannot have a baby, it is seeing the pain that it causes my wife and that there is nothing I can do to fix it. For every failed test, every commercial about a baby, every person that announces they are pregnant on Facebook, everyone who talks to her about how they can't wait to have babies and assume that no one else will go through what we are going through, I know it hurts her. I feel like every man likes to know he can fix any problem he may encounter. I have two that I can do nothing about. I really want a baby as well, and I am out of ideas as far as what we can do next to make that happen. But I also want my wife to have the happiness she deserves, and to see these last 18 months wear on her the way they have has been really devastating. To go through the emotional stress of this on top of dealing with a terminally sick father and still carry on with the strength that she has is really a testament to her faith, and her love for her family and God.
I haven't lost all hope, but I'm not sure I will ever get my hopes up again. I am to the point now where I can no longer see that God is waiting on something, it's just not working. I feel if this was a test of faith, we've endured long enough. I know from the notes and compliments we have gotten that this blog has had a wonderful impact on others, so I don't think we are waiting for God to bring something good from this situation. I don't really know what this all means, but I don't want to try and guess what is in store for us next. I have been trying to predict God this entire time and I have never been right, maybe that's why, maybe God wants me to step back and just trust him, but I feel like I have done that.
For a few days I just gave up, I didn't really talk to God, or talk to anyone really. I couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, and just really lacked a reason to do much. I didn't talk about it and covered it up as much as I could. On one of my sleepless nights I watched a video they showed at our church a week earlier that I had missed.
I've gotten really good at praying with God, both talking and listening to him. I feel like I am a witness to him through my service, leadership, and my life. But I have never spent the amount of time I should in the word. Our church has been doing a series called "Truth Revealed" and it has been challenging us to read our Bibles more. Our small group even started a challenge for reading our Bibles. I never thought of what impact reading the Bible could have on how we deal with infertility till I saw this video. The Bible has so much to say to me, just like it did for David (who lost his wife about 10 days after this video was made). David showed me it's OK to be angry with God, it's OK to struggle with his will and still accept it, and that it's going to be a journey full of obstacles and you need to have God's word in your heart in order to overcome them.
That night I jumped back into my Bible. I didn't want to just pick a place so I went to an old reading plan I had been following for a while and decided to pick up where I left off on it. It took me to Daniel Chapter 10. I knew immediately what it was because my dad had shared this verse with us a few months earlier. In Daniel 10, Daniel has had a vision and was waiting on God. He had fasted and prayed for three weeks; Daniel grows frustrated as he waits on God to answer him and he finally does in verse 11:
"He Said, 'Daniel, you who are highly esteemed, consider carefully the words I am about to speak to you, and stand up for I have now been sent to you.' And when he said this to me, I stood up trembling. Then he continued, 'Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kindrom resisted me 21 days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help because I was detained there with the king of Persia. Now I have come to explain to you what will happen to your people in the future....'"
While Daniel was not exactly in the same situation, I can relate to the frustration. I had been feeling like God had abandoned us, maybe he wasn't even listening to us. What other reason does he have to make us wait this long? What I learned is that God is always with us and hears us, he just doesn't promise immediate results. If he did Beth Holdcraft wouldn't have lost her battle with cancer and we would already have a baby and probably be close to a second. I wish it did work that way, but it doesn't, and I know I have to accept that. It brings me great comfort though to know that God is always with me and always hears me. I have even more desire now to dig deeper into the Word knowing that it will serve as help and inspriration when I encounter troubles and doubt like I did after that failed test.
So that has been my range of emotions over the past few weeks. I don't feel great, I am by no means happy about any of this now, but I feel some peace. I can stop trying to "solve this problem" and stop trying to figure out what God's plan is. He'll reveal it in due time. I am just grateful for His Word, which I can use on a daily basis to help get through the bad days. My greatest prayer when I think of all of this is that no one has to go through death, or infertility, or any other hardship without God to get them through it, because I just can't imagine doing it. David Holdcraft says the same in his testimony. I would encourage anyone out there going through a similar struggle to depend on God, even if it is for the first time in your life. He can help you through it.
To my wife, it's Valentine's week and you made me promise not to spend too much money so this might be a part of your gift. I love you so much and am so sorry for what you have had to go through over the past 18 months. A lot of good people would react much worse when dealing with such heartbreaking things like Alzheimer's and infetility. You are the strongest and most amazing person I know, and you are going to be such an amazing mother one day. You are already an amazing wife!
