Well, Christmas is almost here. Our shopping has been done for some time. Our cards sent out. And we've had a few parties and ready for some time off work.
I think back to last year and how we were timing ovulation and we're just waiting to get a positive pregnancy test. We thought it could come so quickly. It's now a year later and our optimism is diminishing. I thought we would have a baby by now, so I just hope and pray that we'll have one next year. It's easy for me to get sad about it. I love being married and I truly think God couldn't have found a more perfect husband for me. I know we'll have our ups and downs, but overall I know we will be happily married forever. However, I just don't want it to be the two of us. In 40 years, who will we spend our Christmases with? Our parents will no longer be around and our other family will have their families to be with. Will it just be the two of us? That thought sounds depressing to me.
One of my favorite Christmas commercials is from Folgers. Mike makes fun of me about it, because it always seems to make me tear up. It's where the older couple wake up to coffee brewing and they go downstairs to see their son Jimmy home for the holidays. The actors are so great in it and you want to think that happens so much in homes at Christmas. I want to experience our kids traveling home from their fabulous lives to see us.
I've been doing a women's bible study on Wednesday nights and this week our chapter was about Hannah and her desire for a child. She has been my Biblical heroine for awhile now. She also couldn't get pregnant and it was something she really struggled with. However, she kept her faith and God blessed her with Samuel and then 5 more children. I know I need to model my prayer life after Hannah.
For Hannah's story: 1 Samuel 1-2.
We hope all our blog followers have a wonderful Christmas and New Year! Here's our Christmas card. Because of the crazy costs of printing and postage, we weren't able to send them to all our loved ones.
There are endless stories out there about the tragedy that took place in Connecticut last Friday. It has been on my mind a lot since I first heard about it. I'm not going to write about what I think caused this, gun control, or what can be done to fix it. That has been covered over and over again by just about everyone else.
As a Christian, I feel compelled to do one thing, pray for them. That's really all I can do because I can't imagine there are any words that make those parents feel better. There is nothing to ease their pain or bring their child back. I know that the only person that can give these families any sort of hope is Jesus, and I pray that they all know him or will get to know him through this tragedy. It is easy to only think about the kids, but adult lives were lost as well. We seem to accept adult death easier than we do the death of a child, and to a certain degree I understand that. Most adults still got to experience a lot, they were given the chance to reach their potential, and even though their life was cut short, they still lived a lot. When a 6 year old child is taken it feels like they were cheated, and they were. The families of the teachers, counselors, and principal are hurting just as badly. They can take pride that they died most likely saving the lives of dozens of other children, but that doesn't do enough to take away the pain. Just like everyone else, Veronica and I are in prayer for the victims and their families.
This does tie into the blog, and that goes back to the pain and suffering. It has been a tough year for us in some respects. 2012 is a year we'll look back on with a lot of great memories but also some heartache throughout the year as well. I first went in to get tested the second week of January this year, so we are almost a full year into this process now and that doesn't include the several months we tried before getting tested. It doesn't feel like things are much better than they were last January. We have made some progress but we took some hits along the way as well. It's easy to look at the future with fear and worry. Will 2013 be any better? We choose to believe it will because we have the hope of Jesus, there is still the hope of a child. A week from today we will celebrate the miraculous birth of the most important person to ever walk the Earth, our Savior. If we ever are reminded of the hope we have in Jesus, what God is capable of doing for us, and how much he loves us; this time of year serves as a reminder.
Our pain is nothing compared to what those families in Connecticut must be feeling right now. Next week all around the country entire families will gather together while those families will have a noticeable empty spot at the table or around the tree. I hope they are reminded of the hope they have in Jesus, I know for us we are reminded even more of how much pain there is in this world and how thankful we are to have hope.
Psalm 39:7: "And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you."
Sometimes it's hard to think of things to write about on here, especially when were in the holding period we are in right now. Our last doctor appointment was on Halloween, so about 6 weeks ago. That part has been nice, no waiting rooms and co-pays is definitely something I can deal with. We've been taking our pills, trying to exercise and eat better, and most importantly doing a lot of praying. Sometimes this blog serves as therapy for us, sometimes it serves as information for the readers, and lately I have found it as almost a form of my own devotional time. Some of my best conversations with God come from talking to him about our infertility. There is a real issue in our lives that we have absolutely no control over and that is a first; the only person we can rely on is God. While I wish there was another way he could grab our attention, I have no doubt he is using this experience to teach us. This weekend we finally put our Christmas tree up in the front living room of our house. It is a smaller room and we don't use it very often. Normally it's where she goes to watch her reality shows while I am watching the Yankees or the Hoosiers. The other night we just sat in that room for a while and talked about a lot of different things. As we usually do, we got on the subject of infertility and something came to my head that I told her. I told her that sometimes I think about the day we actually do have a baby, how amazing that day will be. The amount of happiness and relief will be indescribable. We have never wanted or worked for something so badly in our lives. My point was our kid is going to be spoiled rotten. This journey is going to make being a parent so special, and maybe that is part of God's plan. I'm certainly not saying that any parents that don't go through infertility will not appreciate their kids as much, or that we wouldn't have had we not gone through this. I just know that we will feel so much more blessed when it happens because of all the work and prayer that went into it. I can't wait, I honestly cannot put into words how badly I want a baby for us. This desire is concrete in our hearts and has not wavered at all since the first day we started trying. We are fully confident that God would not put this desire in our hearts if he did not want us to be parents. We are not doing Christmas gifts this year, the house was our gift to each other. But really, I don't really have a lot of wants anymore. Maybe that is because there is just one thing that I want so badly, nothing else will bring as much joy. We are waiting patiently for this to happen, and as I have said many times, it is hard sometimes and we have gotten upset and frustrated. But Veronica found a verse that may best sum up what I have tried to say through my rambling on here and what led to a great converstation with God. James 1:12 "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love me." It brings me great joy to know that this experience will not only make being a parent so special, but we are also building our reward in Heaven. I really hope we have a baby this year coming up, if so, 2013 will be the best year ever and nothing will be able to top it.
Since we're just on maintenance mode right now for our fertility, it seems like we don't think about it as much. I'm not experiencing my nightly crying. I'm really trying to focus on being strong. I am worried about January though. I'm really hopeful that our last attempt at IUI will be successful. Sometimes if I really think about it, I get freaked out. What if we don't ever get to have children?? That thought scares me to death and it seems like it's a reality we may have to face. I know that may sound super negative, but I just want to prepare myself for the worst.
My wonderful husband said something to me last night when I was feeling down about all of it. He said 2013 could have some great things for us. Honestly, 2012 sucks. It has not been a great year. Yeah, we've done some fun stuff...but it can be hard to focus on having fun when this is always in the back of my mind. I'm praying that 2013 will be much better.
2009 wasn't a great year for me either. I was dealing with a bad ex-boyfriend and was just bummed on being single. Lots of bad first dates. But like magic, 2010 became the best year I had ever had up to that point. In January, I started dating the adorable Mike Idle and I got a surprise trip to LA with two of my favorite gals. The year was off to a great start. By February I knew this is the guy I would marry and couldn't live without. The rest of the year including having tons of fun together, getting engaged, and planning our special wedding.
So basically I'm hoping that the complete change from 2009 to 2010 will be mirrored for 2012 to 2013. I know that God has great things in store for us.
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. Hebrews 10:36
Lately I have been trying to focus more on the things that God has blessed us with. As I have said in the past, we were starting to let infertility control our lives. All we would be doing is fighting or crying. I think that is Satan trying to do that, making us forget about all the blessings and narrowing our focus on a negative until we blame God. He wants us to think that God doesn’t care about us, that he has forgotten about us. We have tried to focus on the things God has blessed us with because of his love that bring joy to our lives: family, friends, our small group, our church, our house just to name a few. And I have found myself being more and more satisfied with the knowledge that God is still here and still has a plan. It has helped our relationship with God and helped our marriage.
I meant to write this a few weeks back but kind of put it off because it is kind of embarrassing. A few weeks ago at church we sang a song that is quickly becoming one of my favorites, it is called One Thing Remains. I wanted to write the song out (just, for your own good, don’t try to imagine my voice singing it)
Higher than the mountains that I face Stronger than the power of the grave Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains One thing remains
Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me
On and on and on it goes It overwhelms and satisfies my soul And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me
In death and in life I’m confident and covered by the power of your great love My debt is paid there’s nothing that can separate my heart from your great love
Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me
When we sang this song I was in one of my funks. We hadn’t gotten any good news in a while and we were just throwing ourselves a pity party. When I heard this song it was almost like I had some sort of stark realization of how fortunate we still are. Sometimes it is easy to feel empty from infertility like when you get nothing but bad news, everyone you know is getting pregnant, you hear how expensive procedures are, you hear how expensive and risky adoption is. The future can look bleak and it can be easy to blur everything else out and focus on what has taken over your life.
In that moment we are supposed to focus on God’s love and how amazing it is. I’m embarrassed because this song brought me to tears just hearing the words because some of them hit home. This infertility battle feels like a tall mountain, and it feels like a powerful force. But His love is taller and stronger. Sometimes I feel like God isn’t there and it makes me feel empty, but His love goes on and on. And if you allow it to, it will overwhelm and satisfy your soul. I get afraid a lot, afraid of what the future holds for us, but with God’s love I don’t have to. I can be confident in the future and have no worry and no fear. Because when there is nothing else I know that one thing remains, and it is His unfailing, unending love. I know God’s love has always been there, I just have let Satan distract me from it. I feel guilty for the times I have questioned God, gotten angry at him, or doubted him.
The last few weeks have been really annoying on Facebook mostly because of the political posts but also because everyone does their thankful posts every day. I’m not judging anyone for doing them, but when everyone does them it clogs my timeline up. Plus after the first few days when everyone says family, friends, pets, etc they run out of creative ideas and end up being thankful for peanut butter or something like that. However, in the spirit of being thankful; I am thankful that when we are down, sad, and feeling empty we have support to fall back on. We have our family and friends, our church and small group. We have those of you who read this blog and leave us notes of support. But most importantly we have the amazing, unfailing, never ending love of an awesome and amazing God, Savior, and Creator.
It's been a busy week at work. Yesterday was Ad Day at the Downs, so I spent the afternoon at the track and got to see some of my favorite people in the ad business. With life always staying crazy, it's my only chance to see some of those people. I get into work today and my to-do list is long. However, it starts out with hearing that one of my co-workers is pregnant. Now all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and I don't feel like working at all. I decided to write on the blog.
I'm sorry if it comes off a little angry. It's not angry, it's sadness. I know I should be happy for my co-worker, but it just stinks because her assistant is currently on maternity leave for having a baby and the client that the 3 of us work with is also pregnant. I can't wait to have the meetings when all 3 of them are discussing their cute babies and complain about sleepless nights. I would give anything to get up in the middle of the night to comfort my crying baby. And if anyone knows how much I love to sleep, they know that's huge for me to say.
I know this probably sounds extremely selfish, but as infertile people know, it's so hard to be around this when that's all you think about. It's all I have thought about for 14 months. I feel I've worked so hard at something that I see everyone else getting, but not me.
I know we haven't updated since our last doctor appointment last week. It did go pretty well, if you don't count the hour we had to wait before seeing the doctor. He told us that Mike's testosterone has doubled since the drugs he's on. It was already on a normal level, so he is extra 'manly' now. The thinking was that if we get this really high, then maybe it'll improve the sperm count. We can't know that for sure unless we do a test. However, we can do that at the same time as an IUI and only pay for it once. The doctor does want us to continue doing this as well as get Mike to lose weight for a couple months. So our plan is to try another insemination in January. To me that is the bad news, it seems like so far away and I hate not having something to do each day working toward having a baby.
I'm really praying that this third insemination is successful. If we still don't have a high enough sperm count, then there isn't really a good reason to waste our money on doing it again. And then that's when the hard decisions and big bucks are needed. Now that I have avoided work all day, I better get back to it. Hopefully I can get through the day without crying at my desk.
I know it's only Tuesday, but it's been a rough week. I have felt miserable and I wonder if I'll always experience pains from PCOS or bad periods. I'm just feeling a lot of discouragement. Hopefully I'll bounce out it, but I feel like I stay busy and that keeps my mind off of the pain of my body and my heart. I'm also a bit nervous about a doctor's appointment in the morning. We go back to the urologist. I think the reason I'm nervous is because I just don't feel too positive about it and I expect to hear the worst.
We also heard from another infertile friend and she finally got a positive pregnancy test...however, ended up having a miscarriage. My heart goes out to her and I was able to give her encouraging words. I just have a hard time encouraging myself. I don't even know this woman very well, but we have bonded because we are going through the same things. She hasn't been able to talk to a lot of people about her situation and I'm very thankful that she trusts us and can share, so we can pray for her and her husband. It's also nice to have her prayers and to do all we can to encourage each other.
I made several friends on the jury a couple weeks ago and in chatting with one lady, she somehow told me that she was trying to get pregnant without success. So I started to share my story too. It got to a point in our conversation where she said, "Well, I know all about your ovulation, but I don't even know your name!" This cracked me up. I do tend to share too much, as this blog can witness. But I know how much it helps to talk about it with someone that understands. I wanted to share with her my pain and I wanted to help her too.
I really hate to hear when there are other people facing this struggle, but it gives me a little strength to know that God hasn't singled me out with this. I just need to slow down and spend some time with Him and pray that I can get some understanding out of this.
Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are. 1 Peter 5:9
It's been a crazy couple weeks. I'm glad the stress of jury duty is over, but I wasn't happy with the outcome. I was on a trial for 9 days and since I was in my brother-in-law's wedding on Friday, the judge made me the alternate so I could be a part of the day's festivities. It basically felt like reading a really amazing book and then it's taken away from you when you're on the last chapter. I made friends with the other jurors and one emailed me the verdict. I read it after the wedding and I just wanted to cry. It wasn't at all what I wanted. And now that I'm able to google more details, I still think I would not have mixed well with the other jurors' decision. It's been a few days and I still can't stop thinking about it.
The past few days have also taught me that I need to be more strict with my diet. As mentioned in a prior post, I'm trying to limit my 'white food'. Basically complex carbs like potatoes, white pasta, and white bread are very bad for me. I might let one per day slide and it doesn't really bother me, but the past several days, I haven't been able to avoid the white food so much and I've had a constant tummy ache practically. I'm glad I know it's because of my diagnosis of PCOS; however, it doesn't make the pains go away.
It just makes me wonder if my body can get completely right to carry a baby. We've learned that we can get my body to ovulate, but can we get an embryo to stick and can I carry a baby full term? We still have so many uncertainties.
On Saturday we attended an adoption workshop at our church. Besides talking to friends and doing a limited amount of online research, adoption hasn't been an option we've talked about much. I was worried about it causing me to get emotional and I felt awkward as we walked in. I wondered if everyone could see the look of infertility on our faces and I wondered if there were other people around like us. There were speakers and then a workshop afterwards. It was mainly about foster kids and adopting older kids. That's really not what we're thinking right now. Our hearts are still set on a baby. We left with more confusion than what we walked in with.
I'm definitely not opposed to having an adopted child. I would love to have one, but the whole adoption process still really scares me. Infertility has been heart wrenching enough that the waiting and possibility of minds being changed at the last hour worries me tremendously.
It's just so much to keep on our minds. I may not have gotten to deliberate in jury duty, but I feel like my life is a deliberation right now. Even talks of donor sperm have come up and that also scares me. Right now that is the cheapest option, but my least favorite. I can already foresee the arguments. I'll want a donor that's just like Mike and he'll want one that's just like Derek Jeter.
We're still going with the plan and we just pray that God tells us what we're supposed to do. We wonder if it's wrong for us to spend loads of money attempting to get pregnant when there are so many kids out there that need a home. But then my heart gets a vision of little Michael Patrick and I would so love to have a little boy just like him. God, what are you telling us to do?!! These deliberations really require a lot of faith and patience!
Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13
Not much is going on in fertility world right now, we are just taking our meds and doing our best to get our bodies right.The baseball playoffs are keeping me from being overly active and encouraging me to eat pizza.
Apparently there is a male form of Clomid as well and of course, I need it. So now I get to wake up at 3am for no reason like Veronica did a few months back. At least Home Improvement comes on TV Land around that time. I also managed to pass out on the front porch while doing yard work, which terrified Veronica and probably thoroughly impressed our new neighbors.
Fertility world can be a consuming place. It tends to occupy our marriage and I am sure we aren’t the only ones it has done that to. We have talked about how we just need a night or a weekend away from infertility or Alzheimer’s, a night away from any type of stress where we can just go on a date. Pretend like it is two years ago, but that seems impossible. I can’t even go to bed without thinking about fertility world because I have to take my pills. I just got a new order of pills and they taste like death. I take them at night and still have a bad taste in my mouth when I wake up in the morning. This, of course, is when I have to take them again. This makes me think that maybe the last order of pills were bad because they didn’t have the bad taste. If the drugs work I am totally cool dealing with the bad taste, it’s no different than when Veronica makes vegetables with dinner.
It’s amazing to me how much this can consume your life. Having kids was always an afterthought before, we just knew it would happen. Now there are no guarantees, we don’t know what is happening. The word adoption is being spoken a lot more frequently right now. We try to distract ourselves with other things but the topic always comes back to fertility. I sense we are ready for some finality to this issue. I don’t know if that is us trying to rush God’s timing or God trying to tell us to take a different route. We are praying for clarity and direction on that issue. That’s all we are doing right now is praying and hoping things get better. I get to be the best man in my brother’s wedding next weekend. I am really looking forward to that. We get to go see Veronica’s parents this weekend and I know she is looking forward to that.
Please pray for God to give us some clarity and hopefully some answers. After over a year of this, we are ready for another answer besides no.
1 Corinthians 13:12:"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."
Very sorry we haven't posted. It's been really hard to put my thoughts into a post right now. I'm honestly been avoiding thinking about what's to come. I know we likely will have some big decisions to make soon and I just don't know what to do or think. I'm currently serving on jury duty. And of course, I get picked for a big trial. So the next couple weeks are going to be exhausting. I've got to digest all the information in the courtroom and try to take notes and remember every detail that I can and then I come home and catch up on the work I missed at the office. Tonight I went to the gym. I've been too slammed to go the past couple nights. I debated going, but a kickboxing class got me pumped up and I needed a good workout.
I've learned that what helps me get through this infertility life is knowing that I'm not alone. I'm also learning that it's hard for people to truly understand what we're going through. It makes you feel less of a person because you can't do what almost everyone else can do...procreate. I know that it takes couples multiple months before they might get pregnant and they experience that disappointment. But when doctors tell you that your chances of having your own biological child are low, it's a sadness and disappointment that I can't even discribe.
Monday on my lunch break away from the court house, I ate lunch next to a couple of ladies. I couldn't help overhear their conversation where one lady shared with her friend that she was pregnant. I can't escape the fact that people are getting to share that news everywhere. I wonder why I had to pick that table to sit at and why I had to hear that. I know that to some it isn't a big deal, but God knows that it always hurts me to know that I have little hope that I'll be sharing that news with a friend over lunch.
Now a new season of Guiliana and Bill has begun and I've been so excited to watch. They have really been my inspiration through their infertility. I'm so happy that they are getting the answer to their prayers and have become parents. However, my interest in their show has gone down a bit because now they are in the next step that I can't relate to. I'm now watching them plan for making room in a new house for a nursery and having a baby shower. I am happy for them and I just hope we have a light at the end of the tunnel like they do. I know an episode about the birth is coming up soon and I know it will be sad to watch a baby placed in their arms when my arms remain empty.
For our other infertility friends, here are some blogs and websites that I visit often that have helped me.
Often times we include a verse that goes along with what we are talking about. I want to do a post differently today. I want to lead with a verse. 2 Timothy 4:5 really stuck out to me. Here it is:
But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you. No doubt God is telling us a lot in this verse. For us, I think He's telling us that we shouldn't be afraid of the struggles with infertility we are facing. This is the ministry that God has given us and we need to use our suffering to share Him with others. I do feel like my faith has really grown throughout all of this. There is no way to really explain why this is happening to us unless God wants us to use it to do something good. Maybe it means we use this blog to minister to others with infertility or any other struggle. Or maybe it means it's for us to adopt a child that needs a home. We have to continue to pray and ask Him for guidance and understanding.
Often my prayers include asking Him to make me pregnant. As I lay with my hips propped up at the doctors office, I am pleading for God to make me pregnant at that moment. We all know God has big plans for all of us and sometimes it isn't what we think we want. I do think I want to be pregnant and carry our own child, but maybe God has something bigger and greater in mind. We don't know yet. I know patience is something I don't have a lot of, but I know God has great things for me. I just need to rely on Him and His timing. He definitely knows better than I do.
As I write this, my heart does still struggle to accept all of this. I know it's wrong for me to have the doubts in my head. But I'm working on it. My talks lately have changed from begging to be pregnant to thanking Him for everything great He's already given me and asking him to reveal His plan to me. It doesn't make me any less sad, but it really helps to know I have the big guy to talk to and help me through this. I can't imagine dealing with this without Him.
I want to ask for prayers for a friend of mine. She and I have been going through this fertility struggle together. We're daily texting each other about what drugs we're taking, our PCOS, what our doctors are saying, how expensive everything is, how we're feeling, etc. We even ended up ovulating at the same time a couple months ago and we did our first IUIs within hours of each other. We were both so hopeful that we'd get pregnant together. Hers was more successful than ours, but unfortunately yesterday she had a miscarriage. My heart is breaking for her and I feel like it happened to me too. She has had complications the past few weeks and I have prayed non-stop for her. Now she has to wait 3 more cycles and start infertility again. I really can't imagine how hard that is. I do know that miscarriages are common and it happens to most women, but it still doesn't make it emotionally easier to deal with. Please pray for my friend and her husband. Hopefully in a few months we can be pregnant together and our little ones become BFFs!
I know we need to get better about posting more often. At least once a week. There really isn't any good news to report. Just doing a lot of thinking and praying. We've gotten settled into our house and I need to start another big project. I feel like the past few nights I have just felt down and I guess it's not good to have too much time to think.
I know a lot of people have dealt with infertility longer than our 13 months. I feel bad when I'm down and I know so many other that have had harder struggles than we have. I have been desperate for a baby for many, many years. I really feel that God put a calling in me to be a mom. I remember back in early 2008 going to see Slumdog Millionaire. All I could think about that night and the next couple days was that maybe I should adopt a kid from India. The boys were so cute and I really couldn't stop thinking about them. I even looked up details online. I did hold off on the adoption, but I kept the hope of being a mom.
So when Mike and I decided to get married, I let him know that I would want kids soon. It was mainly because of my age. I did want time to enjoy being married and just the two of us, but I knew my clock was ticking. I felt guilty because Mike was so much younger, but he was just as excited about parenthood as I was. We thought we'd wait about 6 months, but we didn't wait that long. I have friends that had fertility problems, so I thought it would be best to start as soon as we could (How right was I?)
We were going to take a vacation to Paris and Rome 4 months after our wedding, so we decided we start then. But it was about a month before that though when we stopped using birth control. I really wanted to conceive in Paris and give our kid a French name like Pierre or Antoinette. Well, we didn't get pregnant before Paris or during or after.
I really hate that infertility is so much of our lives. I honestly probably don't go an hour of my day without thinking about it. Pathetic, I know. I want to scream sometimes how unfair all of this is. I don't even feel like turning on the TV. I don't want to hear about Snooki's baby or Honey BooBoo's teenage sister getting pregnant. With all we've learned and everything we're working on, I can't comprehend how someone can accidentally get pregnant. I would love to wake up one morning vomiting and it just dawn on me that I missed my period.
I'm really losing hope that it will happen. I already know it won't be easy. This week has been frustrating because I'm waiting for my period to start. We knew we didn't have much of a chance that the last IUI would work, but there was some hope. But three tests throughout the week told us "not pregnant". I really just want one time to see it say "pregnant" even if it's a false positive, just so I know those tests can give anything besides negative news. I hate when my period's late, because it gives us false hope and it just delays our next cycle. I can hear my clock ticking louder than ever now and it's not shutting up...
Life sure has been keeping us busy lately. We love our new house; perhaps we'll post some pictures here soon. The new house has been awesome. Veronica loves tackling projects in different rooms while I love being able to do yardwork. Sorry these projects have left us quite absent from the blog.
The news has not been getting any better. Now that they finally got Veronica all fixed up they found out there are still all sorts of problems with me - possibly worse than we thought. I'm on some new drugs, because that is the answer to every infertility problem, and I've been trying to stay active in an attempt to drop some weight. I dropped some back over the summer but hit a wall and gained most of it back. I need to get on it again and stick with it. They really aren't sure how much good that will do though. We are starting to discuss things such as adoption and IVF seriously for the first time, knowing we may have some decisions to make in a few months. I was really hoping we'd never have to think about those two things, it's been a rough few weeks for us.
There is a lot of good going for us right now. We got a new house, we welcomed a new niece to the world a few weeks back, two of our siblings are getting married shortly, Veronica gets to go to Cancun soon, and so on......
With that, it's fair to say say that my life is very conflicted right now. I'm having a hard time mixing the joy and sadness, and honestly I've let the sadness win out more often than not. It seems like every piece of good news comes with some bad news on the side. I'm struggling to figure out how to deal with each as I know that is just how life goes.
One day we're going to have kids, I am very confident of that and I accepted a long time ago that it is not going to be the normal route. But the future has been getting more and more blurry and that worries me. I wish there was some finality to all of this. I have tried to trust God and accept that he has a plan for us, but with each appointment it feels like we are getting further and further away from an answer, specificially the answer we want. Trying the IUI felt like one step forward but then hearing how bad my numbers were felt like 2 steps back.
I don't really know what to say to wrap all of this up, just felt like I needed to post something and get some of those feelings out there. I ask that you continue to pray for us, specifically that we remain strong throughout this. I hope everyone reading this and prays for us knows how much we appreciate your support and your prayers. I don't know where we would be without the support and encouragement.
Last week was extremely rough for us, but we made it through it and are happy with our new home. We closed on a house on Monday and straight from the closing, we started working. Cleaning, painting, repairing, Home Depot runs, more painting, packing, moving, and now unpacking. Our wallets are empty and our bodies are exhausted. However, we love our new house and are excited for great experiences in making it our home.
We haven't posted in awhile on our infertility and that has been a big toll on us. I think we're just discouraged and haven't felt like sharing. Even with all the house stuff, we can't forget about our desire for a baby. As previously posted, I was on some hard core drugs to get me to ovulate. Well, it worked fantastically. We got 3 big follicles, so we were finally ready to do IUI (intrauterine insemination)! We've been working on this since April and it was finally going to happen! We were a bit caught of guard on how quickly I ovulated, so we had to go into the doctor at 6:45 one morning (with Mike's fresh contribution in a sterile cup). We went out to breakfast while the doctor cleaned and prepared the good sperm and then went back for the procedure. We were in and out in less than 30 minutes. It was a bit painful for me, but by the afternoon, I felt fine. I was mainly excited to be off the bad drugs!
So then the big wait began. We should know in about 10-14 days if it was successful. We waited until the 13th day to test. For the past year, I hate doing those and seeing "not pregnant". I feel like the stupid thing is mocking me. Well, it mocked me again and the next morning my period began. We were both devastated. We now have to start making payments on a procedure that didn't work. It really stinks and I hate this!! We're both really struggling to understand what all this means. And also we have to decide what we do next. I dread doing the drugs again and I dread the bill that comes and I dread the disappointment! This was the 12th attempt we've had at getting pregnant and each cycle ends in sadness.
We do know that we're very fortunate. We now have a great house and it will be a perfect home to raise a family. We really got to see how loved we are by some amazing people. It's never fun to help someone paint or move in 90 degree heat or come pick us up after we get locked out or do home repairs or help us unpack. But we had some great people there for us. My parents spent a few days in town helping and our church friends were there for us. After we got all moved in and there were boxes and sweaty people everywhere, we had greasy pizza and hung out. The Old Veronica would have kicked them out after about 30 minutes and started insanely unpacking everything, but I was mentally and physically exhausted and I just loved having our friends around. Everyone was laughing and having a great time. I took a moment just to look around and cherish that time. It made me realize why we wanted a house...to entertain and have friends over. I can't wait to start cooking in my new kitchen and hosting fun parties.
I hope God hears our prayers and continues to bless us. We pray that we will some day get to fill that empty room down the hall...
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. - Hebrews 11:1
This is one post I've wanted to write, but have been dreading doing. One big reason that I want a baby so badly and quickly is so that I can make my dad a grandfather. Even as I type this I am holding back the tears that I know will come streaming down my face soon. I love my dad soooo much and I cherish every moment I have with him. Since he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease 8 years ago, it has been a huge life changer. First, my love for my parents has grown so much. I would do anything for them and every moment I spend with them seems so much more special to me. I've learned to not take them for granted. Secondly, my responsibilities have really increased. My mom relies on me for making the big decisions and if there are any struggles or problems, then I will be the one to take care of it. My mom still does so much and I rely on her for so much as well, but I know she needs a support system and dealing with this is way too much for one person to bear. And the third reason is that I feel like it has speed up my life. It has made me grow up quicker. All of a sudden I felt like I needed to be on the quick path to start a family. I wanted to get married and have kids just to make my dad a grandfather and allow my kids to see what an amazing and loving person he is.
I know that was not what he asked or expected of me, but I wanted that so badly. It caused me to stay in bad relationships because I didn't want to start over and find another guy or it caused me to scare guys away because I was in such a rush. When I finally relaxed and realized that my dad would just want me to be happy, I left my future in God's hands. And in 2010, He put the amazing Mike Idle in my life. God really answered my prayers above and beyond what I could have imagined. Even though my dad can't exactly express it, I know he loves and adores Mike. If I show up for a visit alone, my dad will stand by the door waiting for Mike. He got so excited when Mike would take him for rides in his corvette before we had to sell it.
My mom worried that Alzheimer's would scare a guy away from marrying me, but we had no idea what a great husband God had in store for me. He is wonderful with my dad and has done way more than what's expected of most sons-in-law. You have no idea what that means to me and one of the best things he does is hold me when I'm bawling at how this disease is changing our lives.
So as we continue on this fertility struggle, many times I want to give up and just have a big pity party, but I just think about how awesome it will be to see my baby in my dad's arms. He loves little ones and I just hope he understand that it's his grandchild. I also want to give my mom a grandchild to give her something happy to focus on besides the every day tradegy that she deals with. If we have a girl, we plan to give her his mom's name. He was such a momma's boy and he was crushed when she was taken away by Pancreatic Cancer before he met my mom. I wish I could have known her as a grandmother and I can't wait to met her in Heaven some day.
Also, I want to mention Mike's parents too. They are wonderful grandparents to our nephews and I want them to have that relationship with our kids too. They have been a great emotional support to us through our infertility and I don't know what we would do without them. His dad gave a powerful sermon on Mother's Day that I will never forget. He made me feel for the first time that this day could be about me too...(not just women with working uteruses).
We will continue to pray and work at having a baby. That is all I can do at making my dad a grandfather. For the past several years, I have become involved with the Alzheimer's Association. I want to do something about this disease and it's really the only way I could find. Here is a picture of my dad when he first saw me all ready for my wedding day.
I really appreciate all the prayers we're getting at becoming parents someday, but we would also like prayers for the future grandparents.
So I'm definitely starting to know what infertility women really go through. Wow, what a week my body has been through! I'm currently on a steroid and we paired it with Clomid. I also increased my dose of Metformin. Every morning and night I have to concentrate and make sure I'm taking the right meds. I'm experiencing lots of not-so-fun side effects. Basically every night almost like clock work around 3:15-3:30, I wake up with hot flashes. They usually would go away quickly, but it would take another hour or two to fall back asleep. I know I probably shouldn't share this, but this goes out to all those other infertile women who wonder what's going on with their bodies...I can't poop! It's so frustrating! I don't even feel like eating because I know it'll be with me for awhile. Once I'm off the meds, I'm hoping to drop about 5 extra pounds! Speaking of extra pounds, I don't feel like working out even though exercise is proven to help fertility. It's a struggle just to get myself to the gym and I cannot do a normal workout. I'm also committing to limiting foods such as white rice/pasta, white bread, potatoes, and sugars. Not only are these foods bad for fertility, they also do not work well with PCOS.
Mike also said he noticed that my moods have been affected more this round. I did notice it over the weekend. I just feel very irritable and I want to snap at the smallest things and really have to hold myself back. I almost went off on a server yesterday that asked me if we wanted appetizers. The lack of sleep and digestive issues can't help.
I just hope this month is successful, because I'm already stressed about having to do this all again next month and on.
Besides feeling like blah, I did have a great weekend. I got to spend it with the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for. Some friends came in town to celebrate the birthday of our good friend who recently lost her husband. It was so great to just be able to chat and laugh and be together. It sucked because someone was missing from the party, but I felt so thankful that this experience has brought us so much closer. I never want to take those friends for granted. And I know we'll all be ok no matter what we're going through because we have each other and our faith. Not only so, but wealso glory in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3
This weekend had some ups and downs. One of my co-workers passed away from cancer on Friday night. I didn't know her well at all, but I have been praying so much for her. She will be leaving two young children behind. This will be the third funeral I have attended in the past 8 months that I will have to see young children lose a parent. There are no words for how much this breaks my heart. I want a baby so badly, and I pray so much for that. But I also need to pray that Mike and I will be around to raise that child.
Saturday was nice. I volunteered at an Alzheimer's event all afternoon and then went to a party with old Finelight friends. (Finelight was the agency I worked at prior to Power Creative). It was so great to see everyone. I probably stayed out too late, but it was worth it to hang out and laugh with everyone.
We had to get up Sunday morning at 6:30 for a doctor's appointment before church. Per usual, we got bad news and our doctor saying she was so sorry. The drugs we tried last week didn't work at all in getting me to ovulate. So we're going back to Clomid with another drug. The issue with Clomid before was that it took a while for me to ovulate and it can cause thinning of the lining in the uterus. This is probably more detailed than most want to hear, but basically we need 2 things to happen. 1) for me to ovulate...without that there will be no egg. And 2) we need a nice thick lining of the uterus for implementation. (When the sperm fertilizes the egg, then need a place to stick). After I take a weekly dose of fertility drugs, I go on a patch that is supposed to help that. Once we can figure out the right formula to get these to work, then maybe we can do IUI. That has been our plan since April when we first starting going to the fertility specialist. It has been a roller coaster of getting my body all figured out. But I really appreciate our doctor. She calls me and is available any time. I really feel like she and her staff are really giving us a lot of attention. I just hope we can get something figured out soon. This is not getting easier.
Sorry it's been a while since I have posted on here. Buying a house is a lot more stressful than I ever imagined. We are both so excited though that it is totally worth it. There has been a lot of uncertainty to go along with this stress though. We have had our condo on the market since January and anyone that has ever sold a home knows the uncertainty that comes with that. Once we decided to just rent the condo there is the uncertainty of finding the right renter. We are fortunate that we have had plenty of people apply and will have no problem finding a renter, but it is stressful trying to find the right one. Exchanging offers brought uncertainty, the inspection, applying for the loan, refinancing our condo. It's a lot of waiting, wondering, and hoping. Which sounds really familiar to something else going on with our lives right now.
I've talked before about the waiting game we are in, it's all we can do anymore. We've become almost numb to all of the appointments. We haven't lost hope in all of this but I think that hope we get with each doctor visit is gone. We are now officially in full-blown "wait it out" mode. Every week one of us has our body do something really weird as a result of our medication, usually it's Veronica, it's never fun but we're just used to it. Our lives have started to revolve around this process. Before making plans anymore we have to make sure we don't have a doctor appointment. In a sense, we had entered into this monotony of life, probably something everyone with infertility goes through. As awkward as it is for me to say this, even our sex life now has to revolve around fertility. Everything goes according to the calendar. There is no room for "the element of surprise" (I want to apologize to all of my friends and family that didn't really want to read that). We do our best to avoid getting into this rut, but it is almost necessary.
Having said everything I said up there, I have to say this house is good for us. It gives us a distraction for a while. New York was a distraction but as soon as we got back we are told that Veronica has cysts and it is going to set us back. That was a slap in the face that got us right back into the reality of infertility, vacation was over. Buying a house is something that can occupy both of our minds. Every day Veronica can think about paint colors, packing, and new funiture. Every day I can yell at my mortgage broker to get my paperwork finalized so I can have peace of mind. I spend every day vetting all the rental applications I receive trying to make sure I pick the perfect tenant so our condo becomes an investment not a money pit. Moving will definitely occupy our minds, after that we'll be fixing the house up to our exact specifications.
The distraction is nice, but in a few months we'll be all moved in and loving our new house. However, there will now be three empty bedrooms instead of one. There will be tons more space to fill yet still just the two of us to fill it. There will be a huge backyard with no need for a swing set. There will be a space reserved in the front room for toys with no toys to put there. Sorry to be a downer but that is the reality we know we are still facing, and it is not ideal.
I'll remember Wednesday, July 11 for a long time. The previous weekend we went to look at houses on Saturday and made an offer on a house Sunday. The next three days were stressful and long, with us exchanging offers 3 separate times. The sellers reached a point where they would not longer budge and we had a decision to make. Upon making our first offer we had a ceiling in mind of what we though the house was worth, they were stopping just above that ceiling. While that was the ceiling for this house the amount was still well within what we could afford so we had a decision to make. Was such a small amount of money worth walking away from the house? I went into Veronica's office once I received their final offer and we spend 3 hours in there discussing it. It was long, but we had a good conversation. A major factor in all of this was fertility. We needed to make sure we were still financially flexible should we need to do IVF or adopt down the road. There were some moments of frustrations, and more often moments of tears as an issue we never thought would affect our lives so much was very possibly about to keep us from buying a home we loved very much. Then I said, not intentionally at all, it just came out; during the talks I said "if we have kids". Oops. That one stung, but I wasn't wrong. Something we were both so sure of our entire life is no longer a certainty. It was time to accept the fact that while we are still very hopeful and confident in what will come of this struggle, we need to start accepting the fact that it may not happen, and if it does it might take a really long time. With that coming out of the conversation, we felt that we should do something we do have control over instead of worry about something we don't have control over. We accepted the offer and we close on August 17.
We hope that down the road all 4 bedrooms will be filled with members of our family, but honestly we would just take one. We do know this is what God wanted us to do. The house didn't fit into our exact specifications but we both loved it the minute we saw it. The house isn't too big for just the two of us or too small for a family of four. We love it, but in a time of uncertainty for us, we are learning that all we can do is lean on God every day. Honestly, I covet as many prayers as I can get. There are days when this hurts, the thing that hurts me the most is seeing how sad this makes Veronica. I have to fight myself to maintain hope while also fighting back feelings of anger. Some days I fail and I get so mad at myself. Other days I just try to avoid it all together and that isn't right either. There is a giant uncertainty staring us in the face, bigger than buying a house or a car, or starting a new job. An uncertainty that was such a sure thing to us for so much of our life. How many times when we were dating and first married did we use the phrase "when we have kids", that's not easy to say anymore. I would do anything to make having a baby possible for us, but as a Christian I know all I need to do is trust God and pray to him daily, and ask everyone else to pray too. I look forward to the day God answers this prayer, because I know he will provide us with the best answer for; not just with the answer we want.
Psalm 94:19: "When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."
I just finished reading an amazing book The Kite Runner. It was sooo good, I could barely put it down. I had seen the movie years ago and never got the book until recently. Such an amazing story and great characters. It was so well written and mid way through the book I find that the main character and his new wife can't get pregnant and with testing and treatment are diagnosed with unexplained infertility. It makes me sad for our current infertility and every couple struggling with this. The author Khaled Hosseini writes an ending to Chapter 13 that is so powerful I wanted to share on the blog...
Sometimes, Soraya sleeping next to me, I lay in bed and listened to the screen door swinging open an shut with the breeze, to the crickets chirping in the yard. And I could almost feel the emptiness in Soraya's womb, like it was a living, breathing thing. It had seeped into our marriage, that emptiness, into our laughs, and our lovemaking. And late at night, in the darkness of our room, I'd feel it rising from Soraya and settling between us. Sleeping between us. Like a newborn child.
I sense that the author knows what infertility feels like to write this. There is much, much more to the book, but those words really stood out to me. I know there is hope for us and I pray that our infertility is something we can look back on some day as a distant struggle and know that it made us stronger people and more faithful Christians.
Sorry we haven't written on here in awhile. Life has been extremely crazy. We bought a house!! We've been constantly on the prowl for a house and we fell in love with one on Saturday and put a bid on it Sunday after seeing it again. After many counter offers, stress, little sleep, constant number crunching, praying, and feeling like vomiting a dozen times, we reached a decision. We really feel like this is the house for us. We got it at a good price that won't stretch our budget too much. The only thing that caused hesitation for us was wondering what role infertility will continue to play in our lives. What if we have to keep spending our money on this and what if we have to do IVF or adoption?? I'm always telling my mom to stop the 'what ifs' with my dad's disease, so she told me to stop saying 'what if' on this. We can control the house we get and how we save our money, only God can control when we get pregnant.
We had a visit today and I totally suspected I had a cyst, which the doctor confirmed I had two. They have been causing some discomfort. Because fertility drugs produce so many eggs, cysts are likely to form. They usually go away on their own, but we need action. So I'm going on birth control pills for a week to get rid of them and then we start fertility drugs again. We decided after leaving the doctor's office that we weren't going to be upset about this. Yes, it's another stumbling block, but the doctor didn't seem concerned. We'll just take care of it. Besides we have moving stress to keep our minds busy.
I'm very excited about getting a house. I just hope the room we have planned as a nursery doesn't stay empty too long.
Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. Ephesians 3:17
We
finally got some good news. My mom will be receiving money for being a
caregiver! And it’s way more than we expected. She was in shock with happiness
as was I. Since my dad’s disease was diagnosed, things have changed and
finances have become tight. My mom was told she could get money as a caregiver,
but wouldn’t until she didn’t have an income. She quit her day care last
September and it took 10 months to get any financial help! She was denied twice
before yesterday’s good news. She has been extremely diligent on working on it
and it seems like God has really answered a major prayer. My dad was getting a
small retirement, but without penny pinching, selling a lot of her stuff, and
help from her church friends, she couldn’t have survived. I know the stress of
finances has kept her up at night. We have let her borrow money…she refuses to
let us give her anything. Sometimes Mike and I would sneak money to my dad. She
has such a generous heart and still wants to buy us dinner when we go out and
buy us gifts. She was able to sell my dad’s corvette and she sent us a big check
from it. She wanted to help with our infertility expenses. I am in such awe at
her love for her family. It makes me pray harder that she can become a
grandmother very soon.
This
call really relieved some major stress for me. I am very protective of our
savings account. I know we’re in the house hunting stages, but I just get so
hesitant and I feel so far from pulling the trigger. I do want a house and I
know we need one, but I just worry that we need to keep the money. What if my
parents need it? What if I lose my job? What if we have to do IVF and adoption?
All of this is so expensive, and we’ll be taking that savings for a down
payment and improvements for a new house. I know I stress my husband out with
all my hesitations and I know it’s hard to know how to deal with the ‘what
ifs’, but they’re always in the back of my head.
Regardless,
I’m very happy as a write this post. Getting good news isn’t something I
receive often. Since my dad’s diagnosis, there hasn’t been any good news there.
It’s never going to get better and so far, nothing positive on the infertility.
But the best news of my life is that I have a loving Savior that is listening
to my prayers.
Sing
to the Lord; praise his name. Each day proclaim the good news that he saves.
We spent 5 days in New York City along with a day in Philadelphia. Our room had a futon bed, a shower, and a toilet; all in the same room. I ate 10 slices of pizza, 3 hot dogs (one footlong), 2 philly cheesesteaks, and rabbit. Veronica ate the Brooklyn Bridge. We saw 4 baseball games. We missed a walkoff home run because we had to catch a train. We saw someone beat up a homeless man with a canoe paddle. We saw a girl in a Yankees jersey get beat up by a girl in a Mets jersey. We saw the Yankees win 3 games. We saw Robinson Cano and Nick Swisher hit 2 home runs. We saw Dewayne Wise make a catch that he didn't make. We saw the World Trade Center memorial. We walked through Central Park. We went to Independence Hall but couldn't get inside. We saw Joe Girardi walking down the street. We shopped a lot. We were on the Today show. We didn't talk once about infertility.
That last one is the most important, we took a week off. Not just from work, we took a week off from everything. We didn't worry too much about what we ate, how much sleep we got, or anything else. We were still cautious, still took our pills, and are now ready to go into ultimate frugal mode as we try to save some of that money back and put off the weight we gained while feasting. The only rude reminder I had was when I took all 5 of my pills one morning before eating and walked around feeling like I was going to hurl until we finally found some breakfast.
This vacation was needed, not the physical break, our lives aren't that difficult. We needed the mental break, posting on here is pretty therapeutic because we are pretty much always thinking about our fertility issues. We write about the appointments, tests, results, medications, etc. That is almost easier because we are at least getting answers or taking new directions, the waiting and thinking between all of that is what gets difficult. That's when you start to allow the negative in, you start to think the worst of the worst is going to happen. We are house shopping right now, and on more than one occasion we have considered if we should buy a very big house in case we don't have kids. We quickly correct our thinking know it is wrong to even wonder that at this point, but it's hard not too. The wondering and waiting can wear on someone, it had been on us. The break helped.
My wife is so awesome, she gave me this trip and as you can tell from the above description it was mostly a Mike trip. I got to go to the new Yankee Stadium for the first time. I love New York City in general and it was awesome just to spend a week there. I remember how awesome it was to walk into Yankee Stadium with my dad for the first time. I hope to take my son there someday. It was an awesome week though, the best part was spending 6 days with Veronica. We spent every minute together and never got sick of each other (at least I didn't), we just enjoyed the trip.
We are back to reality now and that is fine. It 's good to return to normalcy and if I had eaten much more pizza I would never be able to get her pregnant. I think we both have a renewed sense of hope now. We are confident and excited for the next stage of all of this. This trip was physically exhausting but mentally refreshing. We feel rested and renewed. I like the verse below, we feel like God has given us our rest. We continue to take our medications and pray and wait. We pray constantly throughout the day and cannot wait to see God's awesome answer to our prayers. I am thankful for God blessing me with a great wife who planned a whole trip for me when she needed a vacation more than I did. We are both very grateful for everyone's support and prayers and ask that the prayers continue. We hope to hear good news soon.
Jeremiah 31:25 "For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing."
We've realized that our posts have been pretty negative lately. We've gotten a lot of yucky news and it's hard to stay positive, but we are still very blessed with what we do have. I can't thank God enough for giving me a wonderful husband. I'm also very blessed with great family, supportive friends, a great church, and a rewarding career. We really just need some time away and we're really looking forward to an upcoming vacation. I definitely think it's exactly what we need. I'm not taking my infertility book, we're not writing in the blog, and we're going to focus on having fun. After all, once we have a house and a little one, it will be harder to take these trips. I think we need to enjoy each other. It's seems like our lives are so busy with work, church groups, softball, and family that we don't get a lot of time just the 2 of us. We have so many stresses in our lives not just including infertility, and we hope we can come back refreshed and ready to keep moving forward on having a baby.
For the past couple weeks, I get super sad when I think of the
upcoming Father’s Day. Honestly Mother’s Day didn’t really bum me out like I
would expect it, but celebrating dads is different.
First, I think about my own dad. I am definitely a daddy’s
girl. I love my dad bunches and he is the coolest dad ever. He and I have
always had a special bond and I would do anything for him. He is in the later
stages of Alzheimer’s. It has been an interesting past 8 years and this disease
shook up my life like nothing else. Whenever a big milestone like Father’s Day
comes up, it makes me think. Will this be the last one where he remembers me?
Or will it be his last? I hate thinking like that, so I’m going to keep on
cherishing each great moment with him.
Secondly, I think of the kids of 2 of my friends that lost
their dads the past year. They are all so young and I imagine that even as they
grow into adulthood that they will think of their dads on this day and always miss
him.
And third, I think of my husband. I know he will make such
an amazing dad. I want him to experience a little one looking up to him and
worshiping him as much as I did my dad as a kid. I have been reading a book on
infertility and I know that he can become a dad, his problem isn’t as severe as
mine. I know he is in pain with all of this and I feel so bad that I’m the one holding
this process back. I really pray that by next Father’s Day he will either be a
dad already or close.
Happy Father’s Day to my dad Ron, my father-in-law Steve, my
Papaw Clarence, my Grampa Ken, all my friends who are dads….and soon to my wonderful husband.
Today marked our 3rd appointment over the last two weeks. We actually had a decent appointment today. The news was we had to wait longer. That may not sound awesome, but it's better than what we had been hearing. Nobody was diagnosed with some other infertility condition and most importantly no more drugs were prescribed. But still, we have to keep waiting.
I guess I'm looking at it as baby steps, or maybe the doctor just liked bringing in these $40 co-pays. God has taught me to trust him and have faith, and then he taught me to pray; both were through this experience. I'm starting to wonder if patience is next on his list.
I'm not a very patient guy. We started looking at houses and guess who wants to just buy the first house we can afford, me. We start looking at vacations and guess who wants to go the earliest week possible, me. If we are out and get hungry and decide to stop and eat somewhere, I am the one who wants to stop at the first resaurant we drive by, even if it is Arby's.
Patience has never been my strong suit, maybe God has that on his checklist. I'm OK with that and I'm sure Veronica is more than OK with that. I kept thinking throughout this entire process that we are just a few days away, the next appointment will be the one. That only set me up for frustration and failure. I'm starting to learn that I can't think like that, that this very well could be a long and drawn out process that we are just in the beginning stages.
Like I said, I want what God wants; I'm just not sure what he wants yet. On the brightside of all of this is that if I am patient and accept that it will probably take a while. Who knows, maybe God will surprise us.
James 1:2-4 "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an oppotunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."
Life is funny right now with how we operate. Everything is in two week intrevals, instead of waiting for weekends, holidays, and vacations to show up on our calendar; we are waiting for positive LH kits, doctor appointments, and that time of the month to not show up.
The other day we learned of a couple we are friends with that just found out were pregnant. We talked about how it is easy to get jealous or mad when that happens. It seems like it is happening to everyone we know, and I think it is only natural to get a little frustrated with the thought of "why can't that be us?" We've found it better to think about how exciting it will be when we get to tell all of our friends the news, and how great it will be having so many other friends and family members with young kids around.
In the meantime we will keep going in two week intrevals, where we wait and then go onto the next step. I pray every night that soon enough we will wait two weeks and find that the next step is not necessary because we are pregnant. I cannot describe the excitement I feel when I think about that day. Going into this, I was perfectly fine with going ahead and trying to conceive or waiting, it didn't matter; but now that we are all in on it, I am so ready for it to happen.
When Veronica starts taking those preganancy tests, the prayers get pretty intense. One positive coming from this is I have never prayed longer, harder, and more often to my God than I have over the past several months.
Some prayers are filled with questions: what is the reason for all of this? Is it to improve my prayer life? I feel like that has gotten better but maybe it's just not good enough. Is God trying to tell us to enjoy being a couple first? Or is this God at all? Maybe some people just have bad luck with fertility and there is no rhyme or reason for it, it just happens.
Like we've said before, we choose to believe that God has a plan. We are simply trying to follow His direction. Each step of the way I pray that God comforts us and leads us to the next step. He has never failed us and never will. It's easy for us to get annoyed or upset at things like bad news from doctors, but through it all I am thankful that God has kept us encouraged and reminded us of His big picture. I hope He understands our brief moments of frustration. I am thankful that we have such a strong faith to rely on. I couldn't imagine where we would be right now without God.
So we'll keep living life 2 weeks at a time, hoping the monotony of the 2 week intrevals is soon broken. Until then, we'll keep doing what we've done all along. There may be some bad days but we'll just look forward to the good days.
Job 8: 5-6 "But if you pray to God and seek the favor of the Almighty, and if you are pure and live with intergrity, he will surely rise up and restore your happy home."
UPDATE: I started this blog last week, since then we published a couple others. Last week was not a great week for us with the car repair, bad appointment, etc. Luckily this week is off to a better start. Nissan is going to cover our new transmission and we have decided that we are not missing our NYC trip. We are hopeful this new drug will work, luckily is has not negatively impacted Veronica yet.
We had a pretty good day yesterday. After work we went to my softball game where Veronica got to hang out with some of her friends who also have husbands on the team and I got to help dominate the Beargrass Christian Church men's team. We then immediately took off for the Yum Center for a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. It was a fun show despite the fact that I am pretty sure we were the only two there with full-time jobs.
Looming over all of that was yet another doctor appointment this morning. So far these appoinments always begin with hope and end with despair. We have seriously gone in there every time thinking this will the appointment when they get us heading in the right direction, and every time we leave with nothing but more bad news.
To keep it short and simple, still, nothing is working. Her body isn't doing things right and the drugs aren't working to fix it. So the solution of course is more drugs.
It seems like so long ago when we thought I was the problem, and back then it seemed so simple to fix. The complexity of this whole situation just seems to keep getting larger.
I hear stories of people who went through this for 3-4 years with no resolution. If you are one of them you have my utmost respect. I don't know how you handle this feeling for so long. It's depressing to have so much hope then just 20 minutes later all the hope is gone until your next appointment. Anymore I have to constantly fight the worry and doubt that is creeping up inside of me. Everything within my faith tells me that our desire to have kids is something that God placed in our hearts because it is something that he wants for us too. But then I can't help but wonder what the purpose is of all of this; is it just this blog? Is it to help our faith? Does he want us to slow things down? Or is there no reason for this? Maybe it's just happening.
It's frustrating to read stories about a young girl who got high and left her baby on top of a car and drove off. Or to read about the guy who found an abandoned infant in an alley. Or about the guy in Tennessee that has 30 different kids with 11 different women and makes minimum wage so he gets out of paying child support. I read that story and the writer tries to get me to feel sorry for him. Sometimes I think it's OK to question God so long as we don't doubt God. I hope so because I can't help but question why fertility comes so easy to people like that when we go through this.
I know we'll be great parents that will raise our kids in the church and mold them into Godly people. We just need the chance to be able to do that.
Isaiah 41:10 "Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
Yesterday, I was in a really low place. I wasn’t feeling
well from my medicine, so I ended up leaving work early and just laying around
the house. Mike took my car in for an oil change and to check out the weird
noise it’s been making. He assumed it was the tires that soon need to be
replaced. Well, yes, they do need to be replaced, but also the noise that
needed to be fixed is the transmission. Ugh! The cost would likely be around
$2500. That doesn't include new tires. That’s so frustrating especially since we have so much left to pay on
the car. I’ve been strategic on working to pay as much as we can on the cars,
but it seems like our finances are so stretched. The costs for our infertility
are really adding up with all the tests, doctor visits, and medicines. Mike is
finishing up his bachelor’s degree online and when he’s done at the end of next
year, we’ll have a huge bill to start paying. Plus we have a spending problem
we can’t seem to get under control. We're working on it, but it's so hard to not spend.
I think we were both a bit bummed and even last night Mike
said that we keep getting bad news, so I think he was feeling my negative mood too. We really want a house and it doesn’t seem
like we’re going to sell our condo anytime soon. We’ve considered renting it
out and working on our savings for a down payment, but now we’re struggling to
build that up.
My parents are also struggling with money and that stresses me out too. My mom could no longer handle having her daycare on top of caring for my dad, so in September she quit her job. My dad does receive retirement money, but it's not enough, so my mom has worked so diligently to get more help. She has had a little luck and her church has been so supportive, but it has been extremely tight. She should be fine once she receives money from a program that helps caregivers, but it looks like she might not get that until 2013 when she's had a full calendar year of no income. They think she makes too much, which is based on her 2011 tax income. We've jumped in to help a few times, but if anything big comes up I know she'll need our help.
We so want a baby and we haven’t gotten positive news on that
and we just don’t know how much we’ll have to keep spending. Our health
insurance doesn’t cover infertility and we are just now to the point of doing
expensive procedures and more expensive meds. We’re praying that IUI works, but
the thought of IVF and/or adoption is still looming out there. And those are
really pricy. Estimated costs are $10,000 and $30,000 respectively. And
that’s just the start of getting a baby…we’ll have to budget in daycare,
diapers, clothing, and at some point the kid will want food.
I ended the day with the Season Finale of Giuliana and Bill.
It’s currently my favorite reality show and a big source of my inspiration to
staying positive through our infertility journey. They have gone through so
much in trying to have a baby for 4 years and I’m so happy that they are
finally getting their prayers answered. However, it makes me so scared that I
may have to endure all the things they went through including failed
IUIs, IVFs, a miscarriage, breast cancer, and a gestational carrier. Throughout
all of that, they have stayed strong and are using their celebrity status to
share their story with the world and encourage others.
Today is a new day and I'm hoping my personal pity party is over. Here is the verse that is speaking to
me:
Come back to the place of safety, all you prisoners who
still have hope! I promise this very day that I will repay two blessings for
each of your troubles.
